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Facebook Unfriending Bewilders Cousin

(taken from 12/1/14 "Ask Amy")

 

LETTER: My cousin has unfriended me on Facebook, and I'm wondering how to react. I saw him two weeks ago at a reunion, and I did my best at least three times to engage him in conversation. His answers were monosyllabic, and he didn't ask me any questions in return.

 

My cousin's recent (third) wife is a mean-spirited drama queen, and I fear he's fallen under her spell — looking for offense where none is meant, cooking up situations to get reactions. I got the sense they purposely excluded themselves at the reunion so they could later claim no one talked to them.

 

Though he's unfriended me, I feel as though I should try to reconcile with him again, even though I did no wrong.

 

Complicating things is the fact he's in remission from cancer but might have a shortened life span. As far as cousins go, I feel our relationship has run its course. Should I not mention this to anyone and simply do as my meditation teacher encourages me to do with difficult people — bless them and move on?

 

Amy suggested the novel idea of asking your cuz if he's okay. If you were gonna do that, you'd have done it already. So here's what WE think:

D-ROCK SAYS: Dear Crazy,

 

Forget the whole "I got unfriended on Facebook" drama because there's...how should I put this...?  (no, literally, HOW should I put this?) Because there's:

A) a deeper problem aFOOT

B) a deeper problem that rests on your SHOULDERS

C) a deeper problem at HAND 

D) a deeper problem that requires both BUTT CHEEKS

 

Based on all that you have revealed to me, it is quite clear that you've stumbled upon some supernatural force at play.  Your cousin's wife is undoubtedly a practitioner of the dark arts, and indeed has him under her spell.  If I were to guess, she offered him a "cancer-free" lifestyle again in exchange for his soul.  In an attempt to elude suspicion of her underhanded deed, they occasionally attend family functions and partake in other human traditions (like unfriending people on Facebook).Your cousin is bound by this underworldly pact, and I'm afraid there's nothing you can do....or is there??? 

 

This is a bit of a stretch, but I guess it is worth a try.  You'll need to gather Alyssa Milano, Holly Marie Combs, and Shannen Doherty together in a room and have them use their powers to break the pact between your cousin and his wife.  Start by reaching out to your meditation teacher.  That crazy, vegan bitch probably has Shannen Doherty's phone number.

 

 

SKILLZ SAYS: If we're being fully honest—did you ever consider the reason he unfriended you is because you're the type of person who uses "monosyllabic" in everyday conversation? I'd unfriend you, too! Still not convinced? Go back through your recent posts. If you posted any of the following:

 

Duckface selfie, mirror selfie, any kind of selfie, twerking pic, pic with protruding tongue, slutty pic accompanied by religious caption, or anything condemning "the haters"...

 

...there's the answer to your unfriending. If you did none of these things, assume his nutjob wife is convinced he wants some incestual lovin' and demanded he sever all ties, or else she'll take up smoking and restore his cancer. Now forget about him and go meditate. WIN! You're welcome.

Parent Wants To Be Adult Son's HMO

(taken from 11/29/14 "Ask Amy")

 

LETTER: Our son is in his late 20s. He is a successful professional. He is brilliant, good-looking, witty and admired by all. The problem is, he is about 20 pounds overweight and has not visited a doctor for a physical in over two years. He has not seen a dentist, dermatologist or ophthalmologist!

 

His last physical showed that his cholesterol is high. With a family history of diabetes and heart problems, my husband and I are very concerned. With his permission I have scheduled appointments, which he has canceled, saying he will "make them on his own" when he has the time.

 

He loves to travel, eats out frequently at any well-rated restaurant he can find and usually eats the most unhealthy item on the menu.

 

We are a close family but I do not seem to be able to discuss this issue with an otherwise rational individual because he refuses to discuss the matter. Perhaps it is time to back off and let him live his life as he pleases, hoping for the best? Health problems can be so easily averted with a bit of attention now. 

 

Amy suggested you indeed back off and hope for the best. D-Rock thinks you're overlooking THE medical issue:

D-ROCK SAYS: The vibe I'm getting from you is that you are one of those hypochondriacs who go see the doctor for the littlest things.  Whether it be because you woke up with a stiff neck and assume that you have Polio...or that one time your foot fell asleep and you were certain you had Gout.  

 

The "20-year-old male" demographic is the last section of society you should be worrying about.  They are as close to indestructible as a human can get.  If your son jumped off of the roof of your house right now and fractured his ankle, the bones would heal on the drive to the hospital.  I think you might be a danger to your son's health (mental or otherwise) moreso than any other danger.

It's good to look out for your son's well-being, but I think what you're really doing is slowly implanting your neurosis into his psyche.  If you keep it up, he will become as bad as you...maybe even worse.  It won't be long before he wants to get tested for Ebola, citing the fact that you guys "live next door to black people".

 
Grandpa Struggles With Sex Secret

(taken from 12/3/14 "Dear Abby")

 

LETTER: I'm carrying a heavy burden concerning my 14-year-old grandson. He told me in strictest confidence that he had sex with a 14-year-old girl. I have been his male support system, mentor, adviser, disciplinarian and friend for 12 years because his father is rarely in the picture.

 

He swore me to secrecy, which I want to respect, but I'm torn about telling my daughter. She has a right to know that her son is sexually active and needs closer supervision. We discussed condoms (they used them), accidental pregnancy, possible criminal charges and responsibility, but I think he is more proud than alert to the possible consequences.

If I share this with my daughter, I break a long-held trust. When I urged him to tell his mother, he refused. What do I do? This is tearing me up. 

Abby suggested you tell Mom to "have a frank talk with the boy". You won't do that because you don't want to betray his confidence, so...

SKILLZ SAYS: Sir, I'm going to say this as kindly as I can—based on this letter, you have zero business advising anyone. How can you be guiding anyone about anything when you are under the belief that "criminal charges" could be levied on a 14-year-old for having sex with ANOTHER 14-YEAR-OLD?!

 

I mean, seriously—those two words made me forget everything else you wrote. You're a grandpa to a teen, which means you're likely at least 55-60. Have you ever heard a policeman (fictional or otherwise) say "Young man, you're under arrest for having sex with someone your own age?" It is scary what other advice you give him. "Son, you can't pee-pee in a public bathroom. Having your thingie out is a felony!"

 

So here's my advice: don't say anything. Shadow him for a while, find out where and when these trysts are occurring. If these were adults, I'd suggest you recording them, putting it on XVideos.com, and sending the link to his mom disguised as a "concerned friend". 

 

Since we're dealing with kids, we'll have to be more creative. You'll need to replace the tramp's number in his phone with his mom's number. Text him from his mom's number (but with the tramp's name), keep the convo going until he brings up the sex. At that point, all you do is pass the phone to Mom. This will require lying, obviously, but I promise you the police will not take any of you away. WIN! You're welcome, idiot.

 

Parents Too Involved

(taken from an October 2014 "Ask Amy")

 

LETTER: I live with my boyfriend of six years. We are very happy. We plan on getting married and having children, but we are trying to get stable first. We recently moved away from our hometown to another state several hours away.

 

Things have been going well, but we are struggling with my boyfriend's family back home. They have always been very involved in his life. We were hoping that once we moved they would be less involved. Unfortunately, his parents are still constantly intruding in the decisions we make as a couple.

We are trying to make decisions for ourselves and learn from our mistakes.

 

I love my boyfriend's family dearly, but I am afraid that all this tension will cause tension between us.

How can we build a barrier and live more on our own? 

Amy suggested you keep mum on private issues. D-Rock has another viewpoint:

D-ROCK SAYS: Have you ever considered that maybe YOU two are the problem and not his parents?  First of all, you two have been together six years and aren't married yet because you're trying to get "stable" first.  What does that even mean?  Is "getting stable" code for "weening your boyfriend off of an obsession for Asian porn?"  Or maybe it's code for "I'm trying to transition from a life of heroin and stripping to that of energy smoothies and personal training?"  

Second of all, you can't even move to another state correctly.  That was THE opportune time to ditch his folks...but apparently you guys decided to tell them WHERE you were moving to.  I'm guessing you gave them the exact address and everything.  Oh brother!

What you need to do is take a step back and reflect on your life choices.  You mentioned that you two are "trying to make decisions for ourselves and learn from our mistakes."  It seems to me that you guys are constantly making mistakes and his parents are kind enough to pull you out of them or prevent them altogether.  Until you guys are ready to put your big boy/girl pants on, you should relish the moments that his parents are there for you.  Without them, you might still be shaking your bon-bon under the stage name "Peppermint" and your boyfriend...well, let's just be real, here.  He's never gonna get over his obsession of Asian porn.  He's probably fapping it to Hentai as I write this.

 
Boyfriend Wants Me To Keep Second Job

(taken from 11/1/14 "Dear Abby")

 

LETTER: For the past year and a half, I have worked a full-time and a part-time job while attending school. I recently graduated from college and now have a career that has put me into a better financial position.

My problem is, I'm still working my part-time job. My boyfriend, "Jared," and I get into arguments over whether or not I should keep it.

I enjoy the extra cash, but I'm starting to feel like life is passing me by because I'm working seven days a week, usually 10 hours a day. I am exhausted, but Jared doesn't want me to quit.

Jared doesn't seem to understand that I feel left out when I work this much. I don't have time to see my family or visit friends, something I feel he takes for granted. Should I keep this job and keep Jared happy, or stand my ground and live life my way? 

 

Abby suggested you insist to Jared if he wants the extra income, HE go earn it. Which I doubt you'll do, so I've come up with this:

SKILLZ SAYS: Perhaps this will influence your decision. Have you ever thought why your man might want you gone so often? Did it ever occur to you that he's able to carry on with other ladies while you're slaving away? And that he probably funds these dalliances with money you earned?  Even in this day and age with more lazy men than ever, what reasonable man would want his girl gone most of the time? Even a selfish man would want her around at night if for no other reasons than cooking and sex.

 

You don't have a boyfriend. You have a son who you're working two jobs to support. And it would be wrong to sexually please your "son" in any way.

Let Jared the Jerk know that those things you guys do in the bedroom will have to stop cuz Mommy's too tired. And also let him know he's too big to share a bed with Mommy; he'll have to get his own room.  If Jared protests, remind him that only children let women work two jobs to support them, so from now on he is a child in your eyes. If that won't change his tune, he's beyond help. WIN! You're welcome.

 
What's A Proper Way To Bow Out Of Funerals?

(taken from 10/15/14 "Dear Abby")

 

LETTER: I can no longer go to funeral visitations. I have buried my parents, two sisters, four brothers and nine nieces and nephews. The number of loved ones I have lost, and the visitations and funerals I have had to attend, have been overwhelming. I can't face it anymore.

How do you suggest I avoid them? I am running out of excuses, and I'm tired of being a no-show.

Abby suggested you just tell people the truth...but we know you don't want to or you wouldn't have written. Instead...

 

SKILLZ SAYS: First of all, who exactly is inviting you to more funerals? Not to be insensitive, but it sounds like everyone close to you is already gone...and yet you continue getting these invites? Either you're really, really advanced in age, or you and your family live in West Africa.

 

I'm going to make the assumption that you're a senior citizen. If this is true, it'll make following my advice a lot easier: stage your own funeral. Only those closest to you have to know the truth, and you won't receive any more funeral invites from neighbors who moved away 30 years ago...or those bowling league opponents from 1997...or anyone who thinks you'd be interested in running your funeral total up to 20. You won't have to confront anyone—just make sure the papers don't find out or you might end up with a Homer Simpson predicament. WIN! You're welcome.

 
Resemblance Attracts Attention For Mom & Daughter

(taken from 10/5/14 "Dear Abby")

 

LETTER: I'm 75 and my daughter just turned 50. We both have nice figures and are stylish. On a number of occasions over the years, when my daughter and I are together, people have commented that we look like sisters. I usually smile and say thanks, and my daughter just smiles.

 

Recently, she asked me, "Does that mean I look old?" Turning 50 may have made her a little more age-conscious. She looks great for any age, and I would like your suggestion for a good reply that will boost her self-confidence.

 

Abby suggested you simply highlight the resemblance as opposed to the age difference, but here's a slightly more creative approach:

SKILLZ SAYS: Your concern for your daughter's self-confidence is commendable, but it blinded you to the fact your daughter basically called you old. (The truth is, you're both old, but that's for another column.) You shouldn't stand for that. A way to get even and boost your daughter's self-confidence is to force her to host the dull, unattractive visiting daughter of a friend. (Surely, you must know someone meeting the criteria.) She will look like a 10 next to a solid 3.5 and thus receive positive attention—but she'll be stuck with a bore for hours. Payback!

 

Also, you need to make note of the sources of these compliments—if they're coming from retirement-age males, chances are they're only saying that to soften you up because they're horny. Not that many stylish 75-year-olds around with nice figures. WIN! You're welcome.