Night Visions, May 2021

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

I'M On Trial With All These Trespassers? (May 30, 2021)

I'm on trial for something, and being led up a hill near the 1250. Just as things intensify, I find myself back AT the 1250, tasked with firing Baltimore Orioles manager Buck Showalter (who happens to be in the kitchen). I'm afraid of running into Showalter, and/or some kids roaming the house looking for chicken. After building up courage in the bathroom, I rush into the darkened kitchen and fire Showalter...who is outside the door but still hears me, groans and leaves. (I eat the kids' chicken.)

Next, a flurry of scenes including my aunt insisting I do her taxes, me in a classroom hanging with my arm in a basketball hoop for attention, and "helping" medics at an accident scene (by recovering a pillow they dropped).

I THINK She Consented (May 29, 2021)

I walk around a parking lot repeatedly praising and hugging an old friend from 30 years ago. Then, after playing Little League baseball in the mud and only getting to bat once, I'm suddenly a San Francisco Giant making repeated bonehead mistakes on the bases. Things end with me retrieving my buddy's old Cadillac from inside my aunt's apartment building (?)

The Freaks Come Out At Night (May 27, 2021)

I am soap actor Roger Howarth, planning a 3am convenience store robbery. However, after crossing some dark foot bridge to get there, I am quickly emasculated by the store's eight-foot tall manager.

My Nursing Skillz (May 20, 2021)

Nothing much, just me serving as caregiver for an elderly IRL relative (something I'm grossly unqualified to do) while watching One Life To Live. Next thing I know, I'm in the scene, holding a jar while an evil doctor "examines" his patient.

 

Also, in what may or may not have been a video game, I explode a bomb which turns five converging rivers into a pond. NOTE: This vision was only posted because of my recent dry spell; it would normally go in the "Not Worth Mention" pile.

Someone Call Sorrell Booke (May 14, 2021)

Nothing much, just a boy kidnapping Catherine Bach (who played Daisy Duke in the original Dukes Of Hazzard), asking dumb questions, then escaping. Also, I play some center field with no glove while snacking on stolen jellybeans.

Can You MOVE, Kareem? (May 13, 2021)

In a giant, crowded theater, I sit watching some movie with about two dozen NBA Hall-of-Famers seated directly in front of me. Just as a key plot point is shown, some hoodrats, annoyed with the movie, loudly stomp past me and out of the theater. Already barely able to see, and having just missed critical dialogue, I soon exit myself (after deciding a potential autograph isn't worth staying).

Reprimanded Back To Infancy (May 8, 2021)

Young Josie has a tantrum on the bus; I scold her so effectively that she becomes baby Josie. We bus to some house, where I hose her down after she takes a giant #2 in the yard. Skip to The George Lopez Show, where George's obnoxious brother-in-law is arrested after an extended round of idiocy. The Lopezes celebrate with a cigar, and hilarity ensues when it accidentally sets George's hair ablaze. (The subconscious is a funny thing; I had not thought of George Lopez or his show at least since it stopped airing over a decade ago.)

Oh, Crap! (May 7, 2021)

My IRL godson Ashton, age two, is doing two-year-old stuff wearing only a diaper. Eventually he fills it with moist poo, and despite me doing everything in my power to prevent it, the diaper eventually lands squarely on top of my still-wrapped burrito. Cue me trying to justify still eating said burrito, since no poo ever directly touched it.

Next, an MLB brawl breaks out, eventually dissolving into me "beating up" a handful of IRL friends as ex-Giants manager Bruce Bochy looks on.

Football On A Wood Surface? (May 5, 2021)

I'm at the 1250, playing NFL football going back-and-forth between my uncarpeted room and my grandma's room. After a while of this, two young women pull me aside and accuse 49ers legend Joe Montana of...bad stuff. I quickly shoot them down by confirming Montana was "at the Super Bowl" when the bad stuff is alleged to have taken place. The girls quickly go poof.

Seven Trump (May 1, 2021)

George and Susan from Seinfeld agree to be surrogate parents for Donald Trump...until he announces he wants to name the child "Seven". An angry George calls the whole thing off.