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Giants 2011: Beat That Philly Ass!

(originally written 8/5/11)

I'd like to take you all back to last year's NLCS. Or specifically, the days leading up to it.

Hard-hitting TMZ caught ex-Giant Barry Bonds (and some malnourished lackey) returning to his ride in a Santa Monica parking lot. Uncharacteristically, the oft-surly legend flashed a huge smile and enthusiastically offered his support to his former team and fans—emphatically closing his speech with this wish: for the Giants to "BEAT...THEY...(Philadelphia's) ASS!"

Of course, Barry didn't mean literally. But it almost turned literal when Jon Sanchez drilled Phillie Chase Utley in the fifth game. That duo had some history; in '09, sprinkler-armed Sanchie flung a heater over Utley's head, and on the very next pitch, Utley parked one over the Willie Mays wall. This time, Utley casually tossed the beanball back to Sanchez on the mound, which the lefty did not like. He muttered something to Utley (just going by replay, it appeared Sanchez called Utley a "fink"), and benches cleared.

Now, this "brawl" never fell into the category of melee. It was more like uniformed same-sex ballroom dancing, and it was over before it started. At no point did Sanchez have to corral a crazed Charlie Manuel by the head and shove him to the ground Don Zimmer-style.

But that was 10 months ago, and I'm not here to talk about the past..
We're gonna discuss TONIGHT.

Tonight, August 5, 2011—in a game started by none other than Sanchez—reliever Ramon Ramirez drilled Phillie Shane Victorino square in the ass with a heater, during a game in which the visiting first-place Phillies led big. Ramirez apparently felt the Phillies needed a good bruise and he targeted their smallest—but fiestiest—player.

The very best part of this brawl—which did end up in the category of melee—Ramirez did not wuss away from the angry batter, who clearly wanted to fight. Too many times, pitchers curl up into a ball if a drilled batter so much as turns his way. I remember back in '09 when Tiger Rick Porcello drilled Red Sock Kevin Youkilis (a big, selfish baby who deserves to be drilled every time he bats). Youkilis, short-tempered after being plunked multiple times that week, went straight for Porcello, whose subsequent cowardly, Carmelo Anthony-esque backpedaling still evokes a cringe from me whenever I see it.

(Of course, had Ramirez cowered from someone no bigger than a teenage Smurf , he may have well pitched the rest of his career wearing a dress...but that's not the point.)

While Victorino and Ramirez exchanged pleasantries, Phillie Placido Polanco, who was on 2B, tried to get involved and basically got speared by Eli Whiteside. Man, I almost crowned myself on my friend's ceiling in pure elation right there! Eli may not approach Buster Posey's talents as a baseball player, but there's no doubt in my mind that thought never crosses Posey's mind were he healthy—which, for one night, I'm glad he wasn't. This ended up being a good, lengthy fight. I saw multiple punches thrown, as Victorino simply refused to allow things to die down. Aubrey Huff ended up with visible scratches.

It didn't get to Cardinals/Reds level from last August, but anyone fortunate enough to see this scrum live got their money's worth...and then some.

For the record, I like many of the Phillies. I don't like 'em all, though, especially Victorino. He's of the Youkilis mold, the type of player who believes he has yet to ever take a called strike in the major leagues, who argues and complains so much so that he once got ejected from a game for yapping from his position in center field. 

Then there's their doddering yokel of a manager Charlie Manuel. I don't like him AT ALL. He is shaped like the plug on the end of an extension cord. And when he takes his cap off, he literally appears to be over 100 years old. I can't imagine what on earth he adds to this team. Every time he approaches the mound for a pitching change, I half-expect him to forget why by the time he gets there.
Utley is just a spoiled, smug SoCal product. I hate him largely because Jon Sanchez does.

Then there's Roy Oswalt. I used to like Roy Oswalt, a lot. Until this clown basically took an in-season vacation. A tornado struck Oswalt's hometown, and Oswalt left his team to check on his family. So far, acceptable. But upon learning they were safe, does he return to the team paying him nearly $15M? No. He stays away from the team for EIGHT DAYS to bulldoze the damaged neighborhood and suffers a back injury that debilitates him to this day. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

During tonight's fracas, I wanted Brian Wilson to body-slam Utley so bad that, had he actually done it, I might have had an orgasm. Also, I was pulling specifically for Panda Sandoval to lose his balance and fall ass-first on Victorino's face like the old Samoan wrestler Rikishi used to do. Unfortunately, neither happened, but the new-look Giants proved they are more than willing to get their hands dirty, and NO team, not even the league's best, is going to push them around.


Everybody holds the Phillies on a f-----g pedestal as if they beat our ass in last year's playoffs en route to the championship, not the other way around, and I'm sick of it. They got us tonight, but the Giants are gonna grant Bonds' wishes yet again this weekend, just you watch.

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