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Giants FanFest 2011

(originally written 2/5/11)

Today Skillz went to the 18th annual KNBR/San Francisco Giants FanFest at AT&T Park. He went with hope, and anticipation, and specific goals in mind.
Unfortunately, Skillz came away with absolutely nothing except a crispy nape.

“What do you mean, Skillz?”

Skillz was determined to get his long-sought photo with the Giants broadcast team. He came oh-so-close in 2009—if only those dang team officials hadn’t forced Kruk and Kuip off the platform in place of Daves Righetti and Roberts ten spots in line before Skillz’. Skillz had nothing against the Daves, but they weren’t Kruk and Kuip.

Skillz did not get his photo with Kruk and Kuip. Or with any other Giants. Or with any other human beings at all.

Skillz wanted a picture with the 2010 World Series trophy, like almost everyone else in the Bay Area (and New York) seems to have. He wouldn’t have touched it or even breathed on it.

Skillz did not get his photo with the trophy. Or even a glimpse of it. For Skillz, it is equally as elusive as his target weight of 250 lbs.

Skillz wanted free stuff. In the past, Skillz has received free shirts, free gym bags, free keychains, and more from FanFests past. (Not that I’m here to talk about the past.)

Skillz got no free stuff, unless you count the views of the water and the Bay Bridge. You shouldn’t count that because last I checked they charged people to drive on the bridge, not to look at it.

Skillz wanted to hear (and see) Gary Radnich, Fitz & Brooks, and the rest of the KNBR team interview his favorite Giants up close.

Skillz saw none of his favorite Giants up close, or otherwise. Nor did he see any KNBR personalities. All he heard was a distant, staticy, drowned-out interview of Jeremy Affeldt by Radnich: “Jeremy, fans would the 18, no more cheese to be bounced?” “Well, Gary, sure shot like Greece, if only cancer will ballparks here.”

Skillz wanted to ask the Giants’ personnel some very good questions during the Q&A portions.

Skillz asked no one any questions except himself. “Why is that dude waiting for change after paying for four $5 hot dogs with a $20?” “How did that slob score a hottie like that?” “A tank top, jean shorts…and black tights?” “Did that chick really try to sell us raffle tickets when we don’t know if we’re even getting inside the stupid ballpark?”

Why didn’t Skillz’s wishes come to fruition?

Because the Giants won the World Series. About 50,000 folks washed up in McCovey Cove on their tidal wave of success—10 times the norm.


Because the fire department cut off entry at 50K, Skillz had to wait in line with about 1,000 other exiles for those inside to lose interest and split.
Mind you, this was at the back gate, the one nearest the McCovey statue. The front two gates near the Mays/Cepeda statues restricted about three times that many…EACH.

After 45 minutes of little progress, Skillz’s back and legs began to ache, his neck slowly broiling under the mean sun. Fed up, Skillz tapped out. No autographs, no photos, no Q&A’s, no free stuff, no proof Skillz was ever even there except for his CalTrain day pass. (Good thing Skillz used CalTrain and wasted only $20 as opposed to the $35 driving woulda cost.)

Forget the NFL—this lockout will go down as the year’s most disappointing. 

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