Micky Arison's Open Letter To LeBron

(originally written 7/16/14)

Dear Miami, All of South Beach and Miami Heat Supporters Wherever Y'all At Tonight,

 

As you now know, our former import, who threw up in the very region he deserted this evening, is no longer a Miami Hot.

 

This was announced after a several-hour, low-key, clandestine negotiation culminating with an online tweet of his decision. This was unlike anything ever witnessed in the recent history of the NBA (i.e. Dwight Howard, Carmelo Anthony).

 

Clearly, this is disappointing to the percentage of you who actually care if the Heat win games. (The other 75% of people who just take up space in our arena to be seen, I'm not talking to you.)

 

The good news is that the ownership team and all the remaining Heat staff are still here, working hard on our tans. We will never abandon you unless a better offer comes along.

 

There is so much more to tell you about the recent past and our exciting future. I was going to wait before communicating it, but what the hell—Dwayne Wade got his knee drained again! Plus we're bringing back Mario Chalmers.

 

Back to the issue at hand...when a star ditches his hometown team and promises upwards of five championships, you don't expect him to ditch you, too. While many of you do deserve that kind of betrayal, it's still wrong.

 

You have given so much (publicity to Instagram) and deserve so much more.

In the meantime I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE POST-LEBRON MIAMI HEAT WIN ONE."

 

You can take your jerseys back to Champs. (Non-stretched only)

 

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Miami, you weren't watching because we already had it. This stunning display of maturity and evolution by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown levels. Norris Cole has vowed to start making shots, he's so upset.

 

Some people think they should go to Cleveland but NOT have to opt out to get there. Even though that's exactly how it works.

 

This shocking act of disloyalty from our store-bought superstar sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn—go where the most money and the hottest women are.

 

But the good news is that this expected and justifiable  action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland and whatever state that Cleveland is in.

 

The King will send the Curse back down south, where it will combine with the curse surrounding the Dolphins and general incompentence of the Marlins to form a mega-curse that will sweep South Beach. Until he does right by Miami, James (and the hotel where he stays) will undoubtedly lose sleep because of guilt-induced night terrors.

 

Just watch.

Sleep well, Miami. 

 

I promise you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: 

DELIVERING YOU to Cavaliers games, since most of you are just 'Bron followers.

 

Micky Arison

Owner

Miami Heat