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Blog: My Shave-Free Summer, Day 49

(originally written 7/17/17)

The term “shave-free summer” is not entirely accurate—I’m still shaving my head every couple weeks. As an adolescent, my face was baby-smooth as I combed my hair. Now, my scalp is baby-smooth as I comb my face. That is, when I remember to comb my face.

The beard doesn’t look half-bad when given proper attention, and neither do I. People approach me like I’m one of them. They’re not concerned about what I’ll morph into if I pass under the moon.


Sometimes, though, I forget the beard is even there (or am just in a big hurry). There’s been a handful of instances of me leaving the house with the facial hair uncombed. It doesn’t take long for society to alert me to my mistake. You couldn’t clear a grocery store aisle faster if you used a turd for a tie.


When your 49-day-old beard isn’t combed, people think you’re an escaped mental patient. (Joke’s on YOU, public...I stayed until they released me!) I could show up someplace wearing a full suit and tie and they’d just assume I was a mental patient who escaped his court hearing. It ain’t right.


I like being helpful, especially being asked directions and putting my geographical skillz to use. Ask my buddy Arnell—earlier this month we spent five minutes in Smart & Final helping some guy find some specific frozen burgers after he (for who KNOWS what reason) mistook us for employees. But I’m not here to talk about the past.


You can’t be helpful with an uncombed beard, however. Women might scream if you approach them, especially if you’re also large as I am. Men will likely attack you and ask questions later. Both genders figure no sane person would go out with his beard that wild, and conclude that my offer of help is a diversionary tactic so I can eat them.


The moral of the story: neaten up your beards, fellas.


And grocery employees typically wear UNIFORMS...

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