Night Visions, April 2020
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Check On The Treehouse, Homer (April 26, 2020)
Someone is asked if they'd let President Obama babysit their kids. The question completely goes over his head as he replies, "I've already got a (childcare) system." Then a very fat(ter) Homer Simpson deals with a storm at the 1250 as I play computer baseball.
I Ain't Santa! (April 25, 2020)
After catching my estranged father with his ear against the window of a birthday party I'm throwing, we skip to me driving my armed courier truck over a bridge twice without clearance from "the bridge people". Knowing I'm about to get in serious trouble, I make a pit stop at a crowded men's room to poop. I sit and go to work...but some lowlife spots every bowl taken and opts to sit on my lap and wait (did I mention I was pooping?) I shove him off and finish my business.
When it's over, an IRL acquaintance is now fat, weak and pathetic, begging me for cash and to not withhold any because he's so pathetic. I comply, reluctantly. Things close with me and some colleague constructing some complicated mission to get him re-hired at the mall. All the planning proves anti-climactic when we enter the mall and are promptly given jobs before even beginning the mission...he's displeased at all the time wasted.
Upon leaving, the colleague's car is shot up by mystery assailants as I stand and watch. No more job, it seems.
I'm All Out Of Faith...This Is How I Feel (April 23, 2020)
I'm in the Food Maxx parking lot with pal Luke and others; we're instructed to text "Vagina" to 765722 in order to receive an invite to Megan Edwards' wedding, whoever that is. I am the first to do so and receive an enthusiastic invite.
At a gathering for the guests (but not the actual wedding), someone asks what my "plans" are. I lie: "Gonna watch football and see some friends for the first time in 28 years!"
An old IRL friend, "Kate", is there but says nothing to me or anyone else until I finally muster the nerve to ask "Remember me?" She claims not to...then begins to cry softly. I make my way around the long table, kneel next to her and take her hands, at which point she unloads sobs. "I had a bad fall!" is her reason for "not remembering" me.
The moment is interrupted by a nearby 82-year-old with a squeaky shoe insert being banished from a mission in favor of his worst enemy; the old man adjusts his walk, silences the insert, and is reinstated to the mission.
The vision closes with me at the long table singing "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia word-for-word, and the Charmed sisters bringing a deer back to life by magically restoring its severed leg (they then find the leg and turn it into a stick).
Three Men And A Baseball (April 22, 2020)
I'm at an Oakland A's game, watching from a tunnel full of seats. A ball comes my way and I snare it; some female seated below me immediately tells me to throw it at her friend to get her attention. I refuse, and leave instead.
Next thing I know I'm in what appears to be a VIP area, and celebrities such as Reggie Jackson, Tim Allen and Ted Danson are just hanging out. I pretend I don't want Reggie to sign my ball, which is all the impetus he needs to sign my ball and pose for a pic with me (even though he looks as if being held at gunpoint).
Then we're treated to a movie scene of Danson riding a double-decker fire engine driven by Jerry Orbach of Law & Order. Danson ends up at the mansion of a young woman about age 19; she greets him at the door and walks him to the dining area where a giant spread awaits.
Just before the girl can grab a plate, a machine forcibly shoves a bland-looking sandwich into her hands—it's clear the people in charge are controlling her diet (even though she's already slim). Danson does not like this and tells the nearby maid the girl is moving in with him.
The movie ends with a few time-lapsed scenes of Danson in a chair and his new housemate happily stuffing her face until she weighs at least 250 pounds. He does not mind in the least.
The Butt Bus (April 21, 2020)
I'm seated on a bus to Sacramento with about a dozen other people. The need to pee arises, and for some reason I decide to do so sitting down on the toilet—which is right there out in the open. People look at me with disgust until I declare "I'm not droppin' a deuce!" However, noises emerge from the corner, where another guy is dropping a deuce on a second toilet. I still get blamed.
After the ride ends, I learn I was riding with a bunch of convicts. Oh, joy.
Don't Make This Grown Man Cry (April 19, 2020)
I attempt to flush about 20 goldfish down the toilet at once, with expected results. Then I catch Mick Jagger helping himself to milk from my fridge, promising to dance if we share some. Josie is vehemently against Jagger drinking our milk until I explain to her who he is and just how worth it sharing our milk will be. She acquiesces, Jagger drinks, and indeed performs a short and disappointing kitchen dance.
She Smelled DANGER! (April 16, 2020)
It's a Law & Order episode combining the first three series. In the first case, a motorist is so pissed off by a litterbug that he challenges the guy to a fight right then and there on the street. Expectedly, the litterbug decides to stab rather than fight. The litter is never picked up.
In the second case, a big ol' teddy bear of a man sobs over the corpse of his murdered best friend, who is female. As he explains the type of relationship they had, suddenly Detective Eames asks somebody "...do you smell something?"
Teddy Bear Guy thinks she's calling BS on his story: "Oh, no, no, it wasn't like that, haha!" but Eames really does smell something, and within seconds she and all other law enforcement present are being spirited away by Teddy Bear Guy in one long open vehicle. Almost immediately after they depart, an excavator activates, scoops the corpse up by the braids somehow, and drops it on the roof of a car.
And I'm FROM The S.F. Bay Area! (April 15, 2020)
Nothing much. Just one scene with me at Michael's trying to pick out some stock card paper (?) for a model bridge I'm building. I'm told what colors are available, which includes orange. My dumb ass: "Who's ever heard of an orange bridge?...oh, right."
Screw Education. I Got Twix! (April 13, 2020)
With my buddies Juan and Chicken (again, Chicken?), I visit UCLA with plans to enroll. As I walk through the halls, I practice how to greet O.J. Simpson should I run into him there, and creep out a couple of people who think I'm saying "Hello, Mr. Simpson" to them. (Nevermind that Simpson went to USC IRL.)
When I reach an administrator, I'm told I must have proof of completed 14th-grade (?) math and science units. I do not. I am promptly and coldly rejected. But the guys take me to 7-Eleven for candy, so it's not all bad.
Things close with a football game; a player is put in the "Chicken Wing", a wrestling submission hold, during a play. Cue forfeit, even though the offender's team was ahead.
They're Safer Than The Weirdo (April 11, 2020)
I give a kid a gift by...throwing a changeup with an invisible baseball. He responds by running off with strangers.
Tears And Tears (April 9, 2020)
I'm attending a high school graduation with friends, and all of our kids jump into a six-foot hole to celebrate. Then I become Giants catcher Buster Posey, and every pair of jeans I try to put on turns out to be shredded near the crotch. Not only that, but I weep over the song "I Just Called To Say I Love You". Buster's not the toughest dude on the block, but come on.
Things close with me rolling a baseball back and forth with Chicken, then sitting in on a book club about the JFK assassination with a bunch of very old men, one of whom keels over.
Can't Hurt The Ironman (April 8, 2020)
Things begin with me ordering inside Burger King, and them leaving my food by my car without telling me.
Next, I'm with D-Rock, watching the opening of Schindler's List until the Three Stooges appear in a scene. Suddenly, a party fills our room, highlighted by me and a number of drunken friends ordering Chicken to "Take it off! Take it off!" (He doesn't.) The mood changes when Ellen Page is spotted curled up in a corner asking for a robe and some medicine. I supply the robe, but she complains that it's "a lot damp".
Later, I'm a Major League second baseman, but a ground ball goes right through my legs and I fumble the next one because the ground was folded in. As other players quietly take over my position, I veer over to left field (the actual left fielder is a young woman just chillin' in a pile of foam, totally content.)
When the inning is over, the legendary Cal Ripken Jr. insults my play so I hit him right between the eyes with a baseball. It doesn't faze him and no one else is really concerned.
She Protected My One Life To Live (April 7, 2020)
I'm an armed courier, and during my workday I have guns pulled on me two separate times. When I spot suspicious people later on, soap actress Kassie DePaiva protects me with a shotgun (the people turn out to be my colleagues). Then, despite an all-out effort, I can't find a San Francisco Giants sweatshirt. Because I'm wearing it.
Stay Out Of Our Bathroom, Sir (April 6, 2020)
At vision's open, I am among a quartet of farm workers being interviewed by SF Bay Area reporter Ann Makovec—evidently, the field we've been working has tons of sand beneath the crops, and for whatever reason this is a giant controversy. We take turns speaking on camera, although Makovec rudely pulls the mike away from me before I'm done speaking.
Later, I find myself grocery shopping (for a surplus of Chinese food) with Josie, who needs to use the bathroom. She enters...then retrieves me; apparently the toilet is too wide and she can't balance herself. So there I stand, balancing my 10-year-old on an XXXXL toilet.
Upon exiting, a very enthusiastic dude grabs my hand and gives me mad props for the job I'm doing as a father, including the toilet thing, which he somehow knows about. It takes a while for me to get my hand back.
Telling The Truth On-Air (April 5, 2020)
A World Series game is being played in my childhood bedroom at the 1250; on the call is ex-FOX announcer Tim McCarver. Pitching is former Dodgers star Fernando Valenzuela, who is hit on the hand by a line drive but insists on remaining in the game.
He does, and even strikes out the next hitter. For some reason McCarver says nothing, so I step in: "Since Tim won't open his mouth, I'll tell you what a good pitch that was," or something to that effect. Naturally, McCarver wonders what's my problem, so I tell him: "I don't like you, McCarver. You can't broadcast."
Then, as he did in the 2000 World Series, Roger Clemens flings a broken bat toward Mike Piazza and three security guards tackle Piazza to keep him from doing anything to get ejected. Is it obvious I'm missing baseball?
But I'm Still Hungry! (April 2, 2020)
A lot of small scenes plus one notable scene: "backstage" at some concert, me and a buddy chill out in a trailer. Nearly nude Tiffani Thiessen arrives to give each of us a lap dance, which consists of her rubbing food on her person and feeding it to us. As she is with my buddy, I'm suddenly reminded that Thiessen played on Beverly Hills, 90210, which I was a huge fan of. But when I mention this to her and ask a follow-up question, she leaves annoyed.
Also, in a fictional Three's Company episode, Mrs. Roper comes up with a plan that'll save each of the three roommates $50 per month in rent and asks the skeptical bunch to "trust her on this". They do, and she brings the plan to Mr. Roper—he promptly figures out her math is off and her plan will actually cost the roommates $50,000 per year. OH, the laughs this will bring!