Night Visions, April 2022

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Guess I'm Not So Irresistible (April 29, 2022)

I'm in bed with an IRL friend (who is single) and we're about to get busy—she's literally on top of me when we notice a half-completed jigsaw puzzle coming apart on the bed. Nooky opportunity spoiled.

Next, I try to pay for my Dollar Tree goods with checks that are made out to ME. Obviously, this is a problem for them, so I just flee with the stuff anyway.

We end with a prison mini-riot scene. Things are starting to escalate when a lone inmate asks everyone to stop...and they do. #DrederickTatum #TheSimpsons

The Urban Barbershop (April 28, 2022)

Three situations:

 

1) I'm a Detroit Tiger, and I beat up an ex-teammate who's stalking me and shows up uninvited to an event. 

2) Outside the 1250, kids are playing near the street when Superman passes by and distracts them into the street, forcing my uncle Bubba and I to deftly swerve and avoid them, and

3) Former S.F. Bay Area sports personality Mychael Urban cuts my hair.

...Or Did I Club You Too Hard? (April 27, 2022)

At the 1250, I tell investigators about my uncle William's involvement in whatever. William finds out and pistol whips me once in the head...only to then ask me to help him post photos on Facebook (which he's unfamiliar with).

I Didn't Kick The Bucket. I Threw It (April 23, 2022)

At a Target-type store, I wait patiently in line to pay for my bucket of chicken. But for some inexplicable reason, the cashier decides to ring up some random person ahead of me. Obviously I'm not happy, and I fire my chicken bucket across the floor before storming out. In the parking lot, an armed guard is loitering near my ride, having clearly been tipped off to my behavior. But I manage to avoid him and drive away.

I visit another business and get chicken from there, then head home across a two-lane bridge. Despite said bridge curving side-to-side and upside-down like a roller coaster, I do not spill any of my food!

I'll SURELY Be Safe In Sac-Town! (April 20, 2022)

I'm out jogging, and make my way past a class of kids and into what ends up being a private club for Yankees fans. Though I am hardly a Yankees fan, me and two others are given a tour of the premises by a very serious gal—she strongly urges us to not break rules or tell anyone we were there.

Later, I grow suspicious and question a former Yankees employee, who fills in some blanks but is killed five hours later. The rest of the vision is spent with an ominous feeling in the air and me fearing an attack from the club leader at any given moment. Finally, I book it to the safety of Sacramento and the vision ends.

Sweet Home Alabama (April 19, 2022)

I'm Al Bundy from Married With Children, and I've got a job doing deliveries for some clothing store. Issue is, there's no orders for me to deliver so I return to my car, where "my" kids Bud and Kelly are getting busy with each other...FML.

Next, I'm me again, and I help deliver some items to local radio personality Damon Bruce, who is running a sports merchandise store. I ask him to please display the Oakland A's stuff more prominently, and he responds with an anti-A's rant that goes on until I finally leave. Back home, I approach my apartment but somehow accidentally catapult a teen girl onto the top of a giant wooden box being hauled into the parking lot.

Fearing she will be killed in some way, I try to get the driver's attention, but before anyone can do anything the box slowly collapses, bringing the girl to a safe height. In fear of insulting the girl's weight, I resist asking how/why a giant wooden box collapsed so easily.

At Least I Didn't Make Things WORSE (April 18, 2022)

The 1250 has been vandalized, and a large plank reading something like "It Ends Here" has been erected in the backyard. So my uncle calls a neighborhood watch meeting; various area homeowners begin constructing God knows what in order to deter future vandals. My sole contribution to the project is meeting the elderly INV parents of J.D. from Scrubs.

Paging Dr...Anyone (April 14, 2022)

MLB Hall-of-Famer Frank Thomas is at the 1250, curious about Josie's hermit crabs. Despite being 6'5", he's struggling to see inside their tank, so I lower it onto a chair...only to find Thomas gone.

It works out, however, because Carla from Scrubs needs me to help round up Turk for surgery. Turk is in the 1250 driveway, delirious as hell and walking around aimlessly with an expressionless face. We eventually get him on a stretcher; where the operating room is located is anybody's guess.

Skillz Can't Move! (April 10, 2022)

Some guy attempts to sexually assault me while I'm lying on my stomach. I partially awaken, but with sleep paralysis. This leads to numerous screams as I struggle to shake myself fully awake. Sorry, neighbors.

Later I fall back asleep, where local sports personality Ray Ratto and I invite MLB star Andrew McCutchen to kick it at the vacated 1250. McCutchen bashes the place and adamantly refuses.

Is The Ceiling In Play? (April 9, 2022)

Me and San Francisco Giants broadcasters Duane Kuiper, Mike Krukow and Jon Miller play baseball in the 1250 hallway. Miller has a weird obsession with pickoff throws, executing about five of them in a row even with nobody on base. Eventually John Madden shows up and wants to play, too.

OOOO. That's Unsportsmanlike Conduct (April 7, 2022)

In a Super Mario Bros. movie, one of the villainous turtles wakes up by emerging grossly from an egg. 49ers broadcaster Greg Papa criticizes the movie, leading some jerk to quip "We know you're not buying the Father's Day Edition", referencing Papa's late father. Understandably, this leads to a fistfight, but the vision skips...

...to my cousin complaining about his missing friend, and two buddies plus some overweight gal trying to coerce me to the gym with them. Unsuccessfully.

Dancing Cops, Romancing Cops (April 4, 2022)

Things begin with me simply walking out of my HS class when I've had enough of it. At home, two cops appear to deal with my truancy, but one ends up shooting the other right in my presence and leaves. I then watch on TV as the shooter cop is questioned by his superiors. He denies pulling a trigger...then presses a buzzer on his shirt to somehow shoot his supervisor. Within a minute or two, he's shot the entire department as well as some civilians, all of whom lie in the street in unknown stages of peril.

That is, until the victims all suddenly rise to their feet and join the shooter in a musical-type dance number. I can only shake my head at the time I wasted watching this silliness.

Skip to me watching more police in action. It's a Chicago PD-type show, one unlikely to end in a dance number. One rookie cop is partnered with a cute female, Rachel, and he's smitten almost immediately and vows to protect her. Meanwhile, a woman flags down her Uber (the driver is played by Kevin James) and hops in...only to be joined by NBA star Kevin Durant and two of his boys. They make James drive around for hours while they "torment" the woman, but it seems they're just being ridiculously annoying, not physically harming her, so there's that.

On Day 2 of their partnership, Rachel and the rookie are patrolling in their car when shrapnel from some random attack seems to take Rachel OUT. The rookie screams her name loudly and melodramatically, reassures her, and tells anyone within earshot she's just fine...even as she lays in her seat bleeding and limp. I, not enjoying this turn of events, tell myself she's just fine like the woman in the Vegas shooting photo was, and quit watching.