Night Visions, August 2019

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Brown Does Everything For You (August 31, 2019)

I spot a UPS truck and decide to start working for the company right then and there, trespassing and all. A supervisor pulls me over, but other than asking for some paperwork doesn't seem to care that some dude off the street has taken over their truck.

On my second day, I'm sent to the house of a domestic violence victim and told not to leave after delivering. After some awkwardness, the victim does indeed end up going to the hospital...to give birth. Later, while on route, I scissor-cut two old ladies' hair in the middle of a field.

On my third day, rather than the brown uniform, I arrive to work in a shirt and tie.

It's Not Wrong If It's True (August 29, 2019)

In a hospital corridor, after a talk with ex-pitcher David Wells about his book, my grandma revs up her wheelchair and shoots down the hall at high speed. She bursts through an open double-door and slams into a parked armored truck outside. I come charging down the hall behind her "What are you doing, you IDIOT?" I chastise. Some woman questions me calling my own grandma an idiot; my response: "What else do you call somebody who crashes their wheelchair into an armored truck?!"

Meow-tta Here (August 26, 2019)

Steve from Beverly Hills, 90210 is in some Disneyland-type competition. His task? To hold a large tray over his head. Sounds easy enough until you realize in each corner of the tray is a cylinder with a cat inside—when Steve holds the tray up, each cat bolts out through the ceiling. Sounds sensible to me.

 

Once...Twice...Three TImes A Fanboy (August 25, 2019)

After trying to intimidate some fresh-acting youths by unsuccessfully dangling them by their throats, I return to high school, where Lionel Richie is a teacher. I nervously ask him to autograph my Dancing On The Ceiling album and while he complies, he signs it to "Mr. and Mrs. Ellie". I share my true story of listening to "Dancing On The Ceiling" 14 times in a row one night. Richie doesn't seem to care.

Who Exactly Hired Them For This Mission? (August 17, 2019)

I'm a fumigator, that is, until I'm caught removing my shirt outside a customer's house.
Next, The A-Team is crazily congratulated by Burt Reynolds after completing their mission, which was throwing balls at kids and knocking them over like bowling pins.

Wrong Sport, Boch (August 13, 2019)

It's NBA Legends vs. Modern Stars in a playoff battle. Bucks star Giannis Antetokounmpo dishes to former Warrior Monta Ellis for the game winning J...brick. As they walk off the court, annoyed Stars fan George Karl (the ex-NBA coach) mutters to Stars coach Bruce Bochy: "You can get your receipt at the front", since Bochy just sat and watched like a fan rather than call a timeout.
After the game, more action goes down, including #23 LeBron James swatting #6 LeBron James, Michael Jordan winning his 7th championship, and the 76ers playing four games in one day.

Wouldn't You Resist, Too? (August 10, 2019)

As I take my mom to work, I attempt to throw a resisting cat in the car with us. Why is it resisting? Because the eyes of the stuffed flamingo in the back seat are moving, supposedly. So instead we use a too-small bike with a gym bag tied to it for "safety".

 

Finally, Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray chases local radio host Damon Bruce onto the roof of some house.