I'm So Funny (August 30, 2020)

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I'm an announcer for a Portland Trail Blazers/Boston Celtics NBA playoff game; Trevor Ariza of the Blazers asks to borrow some White-Out. Me: "I thought you was gonna white out the whole logo!" He makes a sound that resembles forced laughter.

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With the game close and a minute left, both hoops are lowered to the ground. Each team rolls the ball into the hoop; Boston's rolls count for points but Portland's do not and they lose.

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Until Somebody Confesses...(August 25, 2020)

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It's New Year's Day and the Baha Men perform "Who Let The Dogs Out", except there are no other lyrics and the audience gets pissed. Brushing that off, the Baha Men then give a profane speech which includes references to s------ng themselves. Elsewhere, Ellen DeGeneres is a rookie cop tasked with apprehending a suspect, but she's forgotten her handcuffs and mumbles nervously.

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I'm Out Of My Head When She's Not Around (August 24, 2020)

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I'm a taxi driver on "Elliott Road", tasked with looking after the disabled Kendra. While at her house, Phyllis from The Office appears and puts her head on my shoulder as we listen to Hall & Oates songs.

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The Bank, Lotto And That Dime (August 23, 2020)

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My longtime bud moves to Oklahoma and goes no-contact with me, leaving me crying in a bank.

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Then I become a soap character in a pool hall; after some animosity, I gift Rob Schneider with some scratch-off Lotto tickets.

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Finally, after missing about 10 close bank shots in a row somehow, I ask a passing Shaq for "that dime". Though not thrilled about it, he feeds me a good pass and I finally (barely) put the ball through the hoop.

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Casper? Is That You? (August 21, 2020)

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At a San Francisco Giants game, for some reason kids are allowed on the field. Giants manager Gabe Kapler takes it upon himself to play with them, tackling and wrestling with them near the mound. One brat, however, tries to run over Kap's head with a scooter while he is on the ground. Naturally furious, Kap comes up swinging (but draws air). He later lets out frustration by angrily swinging a bat in an office; it is there he discovers the scooter kid actually died two years prior. Oh, well.

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I exit the park with two friends; as I do so, I simply take a bobblehead from another fan and continue on my merry way...until reaching a billiards hall. There, Los Angeles Lakers fans loudly (and wrongly) refer to me as "dat n----" who did this and that. I'm left so unnerved that I wet myself in the building and spill mystery soup everywhere.

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Nair Thanks You (August 18, 2020)

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As I wait in the hospital for the birth of my second child, an Armed Forces veteran informs me that his heroism during "the war" inspired women to shave their legs. No further elaboration.

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Martini? Nope, How About Milk? (August 15, 2020)

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It is a Big Fat Greek Wedding, supposedly, except this time eight women are marrying one another somehow. I am hired to do...whatever is needed at the reception, so when I notice bartender Kevin James looking worn out, I go to relieve him. James can't get away fast enough, until I inform him "I can't MIX drinks, but I can POUR 'em!" James dejectedly returns to his position. Eventually I find all eight of the brides in bed together, asleep or passed out from booze. Good job, Kevin?

 

Two Very Different Teams (August 13, 2020)

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Things begin with me winning a 3-on-3 "championship" with the Warriors, despite their announcer Bob Fitzgerald—who is 50 and short—playing point guard rather than Stephen Curry. After this, I gaze out the window across the road and spot villains tying up Hannibal and B.A. from The A-Team to a giant pole outside of a busy apartment complex. Neither of them seem to mind much and they're soon rescued by Face and Murdock.

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You Have This Backwards, Driver (August 9, 2020)

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Finally, a half-decent vision!

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The 1988 Taylor Dayne hit song "I'll Always Love You" is the focal point of tonight's vision, more specifically the INV music video. In it, Dayne plays a mom whose teen daughter attempts to blackmail her with information about her affair. Said affair is proven true later in the video, when Dayne is shown making out with another female (a no-no in 1988). Following this, Dayne's character upsets Hillary Clinton for the U.S. presidency but is assassinated along with two others; a photo with all their brains clearly blown out is printed in the newspaper.

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Skip to me taking a taxi home; I pull out my envelope of cash and the driver—pretending to joke around—attempts to swipe it. I fend him off and return home in time to catch a TV special on Whitney Houston's wigs.

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Splat! (August 4, 2020)

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It's the SF Bay Area radio program Damon, Ratto & Kolsky. For some reason, it has a video opening, during which the overweight Ratto tries to jump onto a ledge and falls flat on his face; I later complain about my name's exclusion from the show title.

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Skip to some basketball camp; I get hungry but all concession stands are shut down due to COVID.

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You Can't HAVE It! (August 2, 2020)

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Tonight, I'm back doing armored car work, along with retired MLB stars CC Sabathia and Gary Sheffield. I enter some art gallery and make the pickup, but return outside to find my partners gone. It's not long before passerby realize what's up and try to get at the cash; I swat them all away until my partners finally return (they had gone gambling up the road). 

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A couple of dudes still want trouble, forcing Sabathia and I to finally draw our guns and issue one last warning. This works, but at the next stop the fellas abandon me again and don't return this time. Oh, well.

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Next, I'm at the park when some kids borrow my bat (breaking it) and my basketball (losing it). As any mature well-adjusted adult would do, I pick up the severed end of the bat and loudly threaten the children with it until they flee.

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Don't Die Anymore, Okay? (August 1, 2020)

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I and the cast of General Hospital sit on the floor for some medical presentation. In each arm are the characters Liz and Emily; the latter of whom also gifts me with a smooch and I get despondent about her death, wondering how I'm able to go on. That question is answered with a skip to the loony bin; GH characters (and sworn enemies) Scott and Luke have switched bodies. Figuring this out, I inform "Luke" he and Scott would be buddies if not for the infamous Laura character. "Luke" blows me off.

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I am eventually brought to a loony bin testing room; they give me medicine but I can't take it because I'm bouncing on the bed uncontrollably like some sugared-up toddler.

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