Night Visions, August 2022
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Get Back, Skillz! And Get Back, Skillz! (August 31, 2022)
I hoop with Michael Jordan and Steve Kerr, who inaccurately and comically recreate Jordan's pass to Kerr that won the 1997 NBA Finals. Next, I am sent home from school by a COVID-sensitive teacher when I dare get within six feet of her. The vision ends with me throwing caution to the wind and feeling up a semi-consenting woman in the mall...have I no decency?
Oh, NO! NOT..Uh...What's-His-Name!!! (August 26, 2022)
Everyone realizes, out of the blue, that my Uncle Bubba died 12 years ago; his brother gets into a huge riff with the family over taking possession of his late bro's car. While that goes on, we receive word that Good Times actress Esther Rolle's son has died in a fire and the video can be seen at a particular baseball museum...it is unclear if we are supposed to care.
Skip to a Seinfeld movie featuring Jerry with a Corvette, Kramer unsuccessfully working hard to corral his rambunctious dog, and scenes with Kevin Hart caught by his girlfriend in bed with former co-star Boris Kodjoe and immediately demanding a different ride home.
Hitchcock Is At It Again! (August 22, 2022)
I attempt to check into a motel being run by my old IRL shop teacher Mr. Plump. But there's a problem with my debit card, so I split, withdraw some cash, and return.
Upon said return, I witness multiple people falling from the second floor and assume a brawl is underway. But upon inspection, it turns out dozens of birds are dropping tires from high above, and I have to navigate across a wide-open lot to reach safety. Though others aren't so fortunate, I manage to escape unharmed, finding cover in a basketball gym. There, I dominate some middle schoolers in hoops and forget all about the birds/tires.
Hopefully I Brushed, At Least (August 21, 2022)
My IRL bud Adrian accidentally puts Josie's hermit crabs outside, but I'm able to somehow get them back using Bowser in a Super Mario Bros. game. Next, I'm in high school unshowered, but old friends Jenn and Heather don't seem to mind/notice; the three of us study our book so intently that we end up in a virtual smooch. After class, I decide to pay tribute to the late Olivia Newton-John by playing "her" hit song "Slowhand", which is a Pointer Sisters song IRL. But facts don't matter in Night Visions.
PlayStations, Pies And Power (August 16, 2022)
General Hospital's Sonny Corinthos and I have a bit of a disagreement over a Playstation3, but eventually we come to an understanding and leave to meet Josie and his on-again, off-again wife Carly at Carly's hotel. I don't intend to stay, but Josie wants to play, so I hang around and do a bit of a walkthrough.
There is a library on the second level, and there is soap legend John Aniston performing a reading of his latest book. A couple of "Karens" exit the elevator and give Aniston crap, so he denies entry to anyone else...until I spot Three's Company actress Joyce DeWitt in a clown costume. Since it's DeWitt in her mid-1980's prime, I am highly intrigued, and I successfully implore Aniston to grant her entry.
Once on the floor, DeWitt does her clown routine, spraying people with water, honking her red nose, etc. but it's clear she's hating every second of it. I talk to her; she's polite but indeed lamenting what she's been reduced to. DeWitt then asks me to photograph her throwing a pie in the face of former co-star Priscilla Barnes, who just happens to be nearby. I oblige and return downstairs.
There, in a small drug store, Golden State Warriors center James Wiseman is practicing for the store's basketball team, but everyone is giving him a hard time. Finally, Wiseman snaps and declares himself the new manager of the store, and all those who were giving him grief quickly disappear into thin air...if only life were that easy.
Maybe A Song From THIS Generation, Skillz? (August 14, 2022)
I visit my old neighborhood to watch a key 49ers game, but one of my former neighbors sees me skulking around and calls the police. Fortunately, one of the officers is Alex, and I'm allowed to maintain my freedom. Finally reaching my destination, the game seems to be over; I perform the Simply Red song "Money's Too Tight to Mention" to entertain the remaining guests, but no one cares.
Skip to me in the One Life To Live universe; first I'm Jessica Buchanan wondering how my dad Clint is still walking around (his actor passed away IRL in June). I then become Victor Lord Jr. and tell a stupid joke that everyone laughs at...DAMN IT, why can't I remember said joke?!
Father, Let's Talk Soaps (August 11, 2022)
I open the door to find my estranged father standing there. We go downstairs, sit on a short wall, and discuss the difficulties Mariah from The Young & The Restless faces as a semi-Newman and a bisexual married to a woman.
Fool, All We Construct Is Burritos (August 6, 2022)
Longtime visitors to the Night Visions page know about my annual Taco Bell vision, where I return to work there after many years, get overwhelmed, and storm out of the place naked.
On this night, I made that return to The Bell. This time, however, another new hire joins me—with a full toolbox. He's cool otherwise, so I just let it slide and prepare to make food. The first order is for Chinese food, which TB apparently serves now. I have no idea how to make it, and when I ask my co-workers for help, they continue sitting in a booth socializing.
Determined, I proceed to make the next couple of standard orders that show up on the screen, but by this time the first customer (the one wanting the Chinese food) has been waiting a while, orders continue to pile up on my screen, and my colleagues continue to ignore my pleas for help.
At last, I get fed up and storm out of the restaurant—scolding my now ex-colleagues, but keeping all my clothes on this time. Yay me.
Ummm...I'LL Date You, Madam (August 3, 2022)
I'm outside some huge corporate building when bad guys emerge and storm it. Though I am able to trap and pin one of them down, the building is still taken hostage. The A-Team shows up, gains access somehow, and we force the baddies into a plane.
After some classic trash talk, the team opens fire in their direction, prompting them to parachute off the plane into parts unknown...victory! At least until a woman Face was charming decides to follow him into the van as the team prepares to depart. Despite Face and the others attempting to reason with her, she flips out over his "abandonment" and makes a scene until the team simply ties her up and leaves her in a junkyard.
Cool Gun, Mr. Robber!!! (August 2, 2022)
Potential Hall-of-Fame inductee here.
Things begin with the Law & Order: SVU investigating an explosion that sent three kids flying—at least, three that the viewers saw, but just two that the detectives see. After some investigation, Fin and Olivia make their way to a cabin some distance from the explosion...and find the third boy unconscious on the floor.
Fortunately, a Good Samaritan is on the scene and administers aid to the boy (why he hadn't already done so isn't explained).
UNfortunately, the same Good Samaritan then interferes with the medics/detectives to the point Fin has to choke him out.
Fin and Olivia return to the precinct, and are quickly dispatched to another scene by Cragen. Fin immediately goes undercover as a clerk/manager of a Lotto ticket shop, with me as his assistant. Though sketchy people populate the place, nobody acts out, and Fin feels comfortable enough to leave me in charge briefly while he "entertains" a lady.
Within a couple blinks, I've got a gun in my back, and its owner demanding tickets. I quickly wrestle that gun away from him...only for him to immediately draw another gun in his other hand like a pro. Stunned, I feign admiration at the gun I wrestled away, making myself appear totally inept and green until the robber feels comfortable trying to snatch the piece back. At that point I snatch the second gun as well, and as he runs out of the place I put two bullets in his back.
The vision ends with Olivia investigating Fin, who appears to be taking the blame for me since the truth would reveal his, uh, "distraction".
No Good Deed...(August 1, 2022)
While walking the streets of San Francisco, I leave half a bag of chips on a stoop for the homeless. Stephanie Beatriz (Brooklyn Nine-Nine) promptly arrests me and begins to walk me through the streets in another direction.
We stop at some type of market, where it is implied that I need to bribe my way out of the situation. But when I give the market guy—who apparently has some legal clout—$40, Beatriz re-arrests me and walks me a few more blocks. This time, we end up at a singles getaway; she seems to want the two of us to no longer be single...if you follow.
I play along long enough to get uncuffed, then quickly book it at full speed once Beatriz's guard is down.