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Night Visions, December 2019

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 



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Night Visions Hall Of Fame



(Dates of awakening listed)

Lazy Ass A-Team (December 31, 2019) 

At some fine dining establishment, I spot the A-Team eating dinner. I also spot a bad guy escaping at high speed and pursue him. He makes it to a helicopter in the parking lot; I clutch the skids and my weight flies us off course into the restaurant. The A-Team is unconcerned with any of this and continues eating.

Despite the damage to the building, the bad guy and I sit at the A-Team's table and prepare to order. B.A. goes on and on about not falling for any tricks to get him on that copter, then promptly passes out, evidently having been drugged by his teammates yet again.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.! (December 30, 2019) 

It's me and a number of friends walking to a nearby softball diamond. When we arrive, soap star Ilene Kristen (who is pushing 70) is waiting for everyone in a patriotic sports bra, clearly expecting something from us. When we express confusion, Kristen gets so pissed that none of us is in the mood for softball anymore; we all walk back home discussing our various marital problems instead.

Maybe Macklemore Can Help? (December 27, 2019) 

I'm in college, being taught by an old IRL math teacher. She hands back a test packet—instead of answering questions, all I did was doodle throughout and she gives me a fat F- with a note: "You do EVERYTHING without permission!" For some reason, this anger makes me horny for her. But just before making my move, I notice a tattoo on her calf and immediately lose interest.

Skip to the 1250—I'm trying to go to sleep but people keep invading my bedroom, the last of which is NFL star Marshawn Lynch. He sits on the foot of my bed quietly at first, then musters up the courage to admit his dilemma: he's trying to buy a new car but is $20 short. I assure him we can go to the ATM together in the morning. Lynch is so grateful, he pretends to actually know me to impress my family.


Santa Skillz (December 24, 2019) 

The vision begins with me pitching against, and blowing away, a lineup of Little League girls. Afterward, I help my teammates collect foul balls and donate a couple dozen to them as well. Me: "I'm a fat guy giving kids stuff at Christmastime!" Crickets.

Eventually I head to my job at a gym but instead of working, I enter a hoop game of 25 with the male cast of Leverage. Despite being a late entry, I rally to beat the others fairly easily. "In return", they take me along for their next job, on which Chi McBride is also participating. During the ensuing strategy discussion, there is arguing amongst the group and Chi quells it by blowing a dog whistle.

How Dare You Help Me! (December 14, 2019) 

I work at Target, and direct entering customers to various parts of the store "Hello, groceries are that way, clothes are this way, electronics are in the back". My lax work is interrupted when a woman complains some dude stole her Social Security card. Lucky for me, Shaq is in the store, and I recruit him to deal with the thief.


Neither he nor thief are seen again, but the card is found on the ground. I return it to the woman—she's under the belief I stomped the thief and I say nothing to change that belief. (That was not an intentional rhyme, BTW.)


Continuing my day, I encounter one of the entering customers I'd directed; for some bizarre reason he's extremely upset I told him where the electronics are and WILL NOT let it go. He starts to follow me around complaining about being "told where to go" until I finally snap and yell "ARE YOU THICK?" As you might imagine, he does not appreciate this either and the two of us are preparing to throw down when my stupid bladder ends the vision. DAMN—I really wanted to sock that clown.

Save It For The Season, Dude (December 13, 2019)

At some apartment complex around the year 1990, MLB legend Nolan Ryan is just chillin'. My mom decides to try and sign him to the Atlanta Braves. He is not convinced until I emerge and explain how great it would be to play for IRL Braves manager Bobby Cox. Ryan signs the deal and celebrates by viciously striking out random tenants who pass by.


HAHA! Can't Catch This Clumsy Wheelchair Dude! (December 11, 2019)

Tonight, my family and I reside at the 1250, but we don't want my father to know. To this end we enter and exit the house on our bellies and do not stand in front of any windows. Still, Dad finds out by calling and claiming his package was delivered to our house by accident; there is indeed a box on the 1250 porch with the shipping label ripped off. I'm busted as I retrieve it, realizing my pops put it there himself and was watching the whole time. My initial woe is curbed when Dad announces he brought burgers, but I don't get no burgers cuz my grandma orders me to take a pile of actual misdelivered mail to its rightful owners (instead of the post office like a normal person.)

Skip to my high school graduation. I walk down a corridor where the entire graduating class (except me and one other guy walking with me) is lined up. As I walk, I'm given my cap...and gown...and some other large cape-like garment. Upon reaching the exit, an emcee assures the crowd that I (and the other guy) are indeed coming back. I whisper no, I am not coming back...and an alarm sounds. I continue exiting, taking a couple of moments to (very weakly) throw a football with CC Sabathia before falling on a metal platform, sending all my garments flying and putting the entire graduating class in stitches.

The last five minutes of my escape (the alarm is still blaring) take place in a wheelchair for some reason, but I do make it despite some stares from the girls' swim team as I power through their dressing area.

Finally, I wind up in one of the offices I delivered mail to earlier. A somewhat homely secretary speaks to me about cheating men; I point out that there's a lot of temptation out there. As I do so, her much more attractive co-worker nervously appears—it seems obvious to me she is carrying on with the secretary's man. Without me having to say a word, and without bothering to seek any privacy, the co-worker seduces me to shut me up. I. Do. Not. Mind.

"Fall" House (December 6, 2019) 

Just Aunt Becky from Full House falling down a VERY long flight of circular stairs, with only little D.J. around to help.

They Paved The Ocean? (December 5, 2019)

There is some sort of mishap at the 1250, so my family and I pile into the car and try to leave town. Unfortunately, half the county has the same idea and traffic on the highway grinds to an obstructed halt.

Desperate for a hotel, we redirect onto another road which takes us to India somehow. Obviously, no one inside the hotel we stop at speaks English...until we reach an upstairs area and find Modern Family actors Ed O'Neill and Eric Stonestreet.

They're more than happy to help us, and Ed doesn't even mind when I accidentally call him "George" O'Neill.

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