Night Visions, December 2020

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Cash? Me? Outside? (December 30, 2020)

After a scene with my buddy Luke and I finding a $7 bill outside an office plaza, I find myself in a small meeting room (nearly mowed down by a biker as I enter) discussing baseball Hall-of-Famers, some of whom are present. I begin discussing the greats of my youth like Andre Dawson and Mike Mussina and embarrassingly burst into tears. The meeting continues on as if nothing is amiss.

Trying To Reach Screech (December 27, 2020)

At the 1250, I am Mark-Paul Gosselar, working to convince Dustin Diamond to quit being an ass, make amends with our fellow Saved By The Bell co-stars and join the reboot. Diamond is unmoved until I offer him $1M of my $1.4M fortune. 

That Wasn't Very Friendly (December 26, 2020)

This one wasn't pleasant: dressed in 49ers garb, I'm in an auditorium full of people when I accidentally knock over the stacked, folded clothes of another 49ers fan, a guy who doesn't seem particularly kind. I profusely apologize, and start up a discussion with him. After several minutes talking 49ers, I feel maybe, just maybe, he accepts my apology. But when I go in another room, two people distract me while my new "pal" tracks me down. "You're gonna kick my ass, aren't you?" I ask. As he starts to kick me in the face, I force myself awake.

Kick 'Em When They're Up...(December 25, 2020)

I turn the 1250 into an 80's music hall, jammin' to the likes of "Dirty Laundry" and "Mickey" before my family orders me to, in so many words, shut the hell up. Next thing I know, my cousin Ashanti is back from the dead and giving her son grief for not wanting to leave the house. Me: "Staying home ain't so bad. Leaving the house got me bitten!" Then my grandma brings up my brothels and I respond, "What happened to me at the brothel was worse than being bitten!" All are amused.

I decide to walk somewhere and cut across my old middle school campus. Problem is, it's blocked by a volleyball camp run by Joe Rogan. I politely ask if I can cut across during a break in the action; Rogan's put off but grants permission. As I duck under one of the nets, I'm very careful to not knock over a bowl of soup balanced on said net. A player is heard saying, "If he'd knocked (the soup) over, I'd have called the police!"

Law, Order And Radio (December 23, 2020)

Initially, I am shopping for a small writing tablet, which I quickly write something in before I forget. At the checkout, which is manned by Craig Robinson, I'm charged $17 for the tablet—which I now must buy, since it's been used. Angry, I pass Barry Bonds in the produce section as I exit, turn on the radio, and learn Bonds is under investigation for "financial crimes".

Quickly, I return to my 'hood, where IRL Bay Area sports radio hosts Greg Papa and Bonta Hill now live. Wanting to discuss Bonds on the air with them, I shoot past a massive dead raccoon and attempt to climb a wall ladder into Hill's apartment. That fails, but I end up inside the unit anyway—but now as Detective Stabler from Law & Order: SVU.

Evidently, a crime has been committed, with the victim's father struggling to process what his daughter does "while my back is turned". I exit and catch up with my partner, Detective Eames from Law & Order: CI. The father has beaten me there, asking Eames to stay put while he does something. Suspicious, I follow him from a distance and take a bullet in the shoulder when he fires into a crowd.

In response, the man's daughter quickly shoots him to death, and Detective Benson (also from SVU) shoots the daughter while taking cover on the ground. I'm barely concerned with the carnage; I just don't want to pass out from blood loss in front of anybody. Eames and Benson quickly hustle me to a ground-level chute that leads to the emergency room; they slide in. I can't fit, but at least I never pass out!

It's Warm In There, Anyway (December 22, 2020)

It's The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air, and Ashley has violated house rules by inviting two friends over while her parents are out. Phil returns, but doesn't raise a stink. It's Vivian who must be heavily (and bizarrely) distracted by me while Phil, Will and Ashley sneak the friends back out of the house.

In the next episode, Will is deep in debt to somebody and doesn't know what to do; I recommend he go to Phil and confess. He does, and Phil gives him money without saying a word or breaking eye contact. I arrange the loan repayment at the top of a random staircase, just waiting for Will and/or myself to be attacked...but all goes smoothly.

Unfortunately, Will then drives me to work at Domino's Pizza late. I start to work, but suspect something is up so I ask the boss if I'm fired. "YES!" he replies resoundingly. Embarrassed, I strip out of my uniform on the spot and exit in my underwear.

Mutant...Turtles...But No Ninja (December 21, 2020)

My aunt gifts Josie and I with several goldfish and a larger, mutant-like sea creature. We place them in Josie's turtle tank temporarily while setting up the new tank, but the mutant thing eats one of the turtles despite our efforts to stop it.

Skip to me, Linda Cardellini, Magic Johnson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar doing a delivery route; I have to reprimand Kareem for playing on a customer's garage hoop. I begin driving to our next stop (a cemetery) but awaken as I start to accidentally flip the truck on the freeway.

The Red Goop Vision (December 16, 2020)

Humans are now created and maintained in a lab using thick, red goop and some sort of programming. But when the programming suffers a glitch, males—including myself—suddenly break into a go-go/mating dance whenever in the presence of females, even relatives. After some embarrassment, the problem is corrected in a lab at the 1250, and I'm tasked with transferring the new red goop into giant containers for distribution.

Step One: Buy Lots Of Sweaters (December 14, 2020)

Things begin with me in a high school class taught by someone who does not like me. My backpack is in my locker; I dash out of class to retrieve it but cannot find the locker anywhere on campus. I return to class, where the teacher sarcastically scolds me for not appreciating a classmate's presentation. Back out of class I go.

This time, as I search for the locker, a classmate named Jackie is sent to shadow me. Once again, the locker can't be found, so I go back to class, order Jackie to grab my coat, and start to head home. As I reach the street, the teacher suddenly acts like she cares about me, trying to talk me out of leaving the property and even suggesting the cops might get involved. I'm not moved.

Other scenes involve me informing my grandma of the INV death of ex-NBA player Chris Gatling; she is so stunned she falls out of bed. Later she interrupts my interview with KTVU's Mark Ibanez with some, uh, unique praise for Mark, and I introduce her to the Rod Stewart song "Rhythm Of My Heart".

Finally, I catch Josie using the "R" word and question her, blocking the driveway of a school parking lot. A driver, instead of letting us move, instead parks on the street extra-close to my car, basically trapping us both in our spots. So Josie and I simply teleport back home, where I flip on The Cosby Show and decide to get all my fathering direction from Cliff Huxtable from now on.

You Mean You're Not Proud? (December 11, 2020)

I confess to my mom having unprotected sex in my teens. She is disgusted.

Later, we empty out the 1250 and the cast of The Office takes it over. I leave and stop at a public restroom, where a 60-something former client somehow crawls into the stall with me. For some reason, I'm polite when I order him out.

ZAAAAP!! (December 10, 2020)

I am confronted by a guy who threatens to float me into some live wires. I doubt him until he, using some device, manages to float some other dude into the wires. At that point, I take off running, dashing into a nearby loony bin to escape his dog (who has my scent).

Serving The Community (December 6, 2020)

I motorcycle to some small shop in time to witness a clerk buying $250 worth of Lotto tickets. Conchata Ferrell (Two And A Half Men) rushes my ice cream order, then I go outside and kill three female lowlifes (including one with a hand truck) in a nearby lot.

No Driving Skillz (December 4, 2020)

Things begin with me at the 1250 taking on an out-of-control bowling ball whirring and attacking things. At first I hold it at bay, but when it makes contact with my shoe and rips it, I realize said ball now has blades and GTFO.

Next, I'm in San Francisco, reversing a boxvan up a steep hill. Eventually it rolls back down and nearly takes out Linda Cardellini and her son as they walk by.

Finally, I'm in my apartment parking lot, and somehow damage a neighboring car while parking. I find the owner and quickly pony up $150 in cash as other neighbors look on, obviously brainstorming how they, too, can get paid by me. I immediately book it.

(The last two visions are especially troubling, considering I'm currently attempting to land a delivery job. Here's hoping they don't come true.)

All Clean!!! (December 3, 2020)

In an SUV outside the 1250, old teammate Tito—who is a husky, hairy guy—takes a shirt of mine and wipes his entire nude body with it. He then calmly returns it to me, as if having completed a favor I'd asked for.

Could He BE Any Less Invited? (December 2, 2020)

Monica and Joey from Friends are planning their wedding. Chandler overhears them, and things get awkward when he can't find his name on the guest list. The couple confirms he is indeed not on the guest list, but quickly appease him by putting him in charge of the whole wedding planning.

At the 1250, I watch as Chandler argues outside with some European-accented ex of his. Somehow, he mentions the guest list in his car, and the ex immediately steamrolls toward his car and drives off with said list as he protests in vain. HILARITY!