Night Visions, December 2021
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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(Dates of awakening listed)
I Got Your Experiment Right Here (December 31, 2021)
Kay Adams (from the NFL Network's Good Morning Football) and I build a bridge out of Construx, then decide to get "a room". The room is in somebody's house, and is populated by several others. However, I cannot hold back from Adams sexually—she doesn't mind at all and we both sternly order all the extra "guests" out of the room.
Adams and I then proceed to have very unsafe sex, and all is well until she pesters me for a lab coat and won't stop.
Wheels On The Bike Keep On Turnin'...(December 30, 2021)
I'm a delivery driver attempting to find a building's entrance. I drive around the entire structure and end up with my boxvan in a narrow dead-end. Rather than even attempt to back out, I simply quit—even though a security officer immediately writes me a $425 ticket for abandoning the truck. I then make my way (on foot) across a busy six-lane expressway, passing an open ambulance on the side of the road. Inside, Steve Perry (Journey's lead singer) is making a distressed phone call to the fire department out of concern for bicyclists flying down the expressway.
I Ain't Gettin' In No Charger!! (December 26, 2021)
It's a hybrid episode of The A-Team and The Dukes Of Hazzard. Rosco P. Coltrane and his boys decide to rob their "headquarters" while the guys are out. Luckily, a fast-thinking little girl decides to be Rosco's "girlfriend", confusing and stalling him long enough for the rest of the gang to return.
Do I Even HAVE Enough Hair For That? (December 25, 2021)
I make a series of crazy golf shots and watch the recording while my buddy Juan combs my hair. (??) Then after bumping into an old friend on the street, she treats me to McDonalds as if we're still friends. I, being a jerk, take the food and split.
This Is Bull! (December 23, 2021)
In some yard, I (as soap actor Michael Easton) taunt the giant robot bull from the Fox NFL Sunday promos, even throwing things at it. But it just ignores me and continues to circle the property. Finally, after I hit it with a thrown bat, it turns and walks toward me, causing me to unleash multiple high-pitched screams as I vacate the area.
What Am I Forgetting... (December 22, 2021)
Near the 1250, some youths are trying to "get my Venmo". I drive away from them, circling the block until they're out of sight. For some reason, I exit my ride and attempt to jump onto a passing vehicle...needless to say, I fail miserably and the youths tease me endlessly.
Skip to some march; I'm participating until being shot at motivates me to find shelter. Inside some building, I find a baby in a dead girl's arms and immediately decide to adopt him. My next course of action: finding an officer and ordering him to make the "deadbeat father" assist in the child's care—conveniently forgetting to report the dead girl, of course.
I'm No Rescuer (December 20, 2021)
I've just moved into a house with Samantha from General Hospital, but her ex-lovers Jax and Jason are arguing in the backyard, distracting me from hooking up my new PC. Finally I go outback and they've both vanished; Sam thinks I harmed them and immediately moves out...boo.
Next, I'm at the 1250, where I happily discover Construx in the attic. My exploring is cut abruptly short, however, when I spot what looks like a male figure in the corner—I'm too spooked to confirm what I saw and simply book it. Ex-NFL star Lorenzo Neal sets up a meal with me and dozens of other celebrities at a fancy new restaurant; the only one I can recall interacting with at all is Susan Sarandon. We're all seated and given menus, but I am highly intimidated by the "rich people food" and just sit there.
Hey, Buddy! Wanna Buy Me A House? (December 18, 2021)
After learning radio host Rick Tittle has $35M, I go out of my way to befriend him. We then stand in a line full of disgraced/hated celebrities and discuss the Oakland A's chances of winning the championship.
Shouldn't I Be Puzzled By YOU? (December 15, 2021)
Former Giants superstar Tim Lincecum and I attend a Giants game, but within seconds of sitting down he's morphed into some random woman who carries zero interest in the ballgame. I suggest we just leave; she agrees and after we stop lookalikes Omar Epps (actor) and Mike Tomlin (NFL coach) for a photo, we take separate trains away from the ballpark. For whatever reason I climb over the gate rather than using the actual entrance, and a gal with no toes is puzzled by my actions.
Powder Trumps Prison (December 13, 2021)
In some house, I'm surrounded by a few mid-teen girls, who make it very clear they are fans of mine and want to be "friends". Obviously, I want no part of this, but some middle-aged men on the scene encourage me to stick around. I still won't "befriend" the girls, prompting one man to spout "I'M GONNA PUT TALCUM POWDER ON YOUR ASS."
Who Drugged Alou?? (December 11, 2021)
Both actresses who played Emily on General Hospital (including Amber Tamblyn) are at my side, and suddenly I feel better about the character's untimely death. Next, Josie gives me an egg I already have, right down to the small rectangular crack. Finally...
...I visit the Baseball Hall of Fame and chat with former Royal Frank White. I then try chatting up former Giant Felipe Alou, but he's completely out of it. Ex-commissioner Bud Selig then corrals me and answers several questions I didn't ask. Fun times.
You Call US Your Posse? (December 10, 2021)
It's a party to celebrate the NBA's P.J. Tucker breaking the all-time consecutive games record. In attendance: me, Chicken, Tucker, some woman who is presumably Tucker's significant other, and an old classmate named Amy. Among the activities: using a type of liquid clay to make molds of our own faces.
Why Would You Bring That To School? (December 9, 2021)
My favorite all-time baseball player, Rickey Henderson, shows up at the 1250. I get his autograph and we share a couple of laughs until it's time for me to head for high school. There, some punk puts fertilizer on my pants and I prepare to duke it out with him until he makes fun of my fighting stance. I spot Rickey nearby, and it seems clear he's about to do something the punk will NOT like...but sadly, I awaken before justice is served.
These Aren't Diamonds (December 8, 2021)
After a vicious argument with my family at the 1250, I begin to walk to school. Across the street, neighbors have assembled in a very unfriendly way; filling about three rows of seats, they proceed to launch rocks—and not particularly small ones—in the direction of me and some other innocent kids walking my way. I am struck twice when I hear my mom desperately yell "BE CAREFUL, SON!!!" making me feel crappy for the argument.
I WANT WINNERS (December 7, 2021)
I'm again at the 1250, playing 4-on-4 football with Chicken and two other dudes as my teammates. One dude, Eric, goes AWOL before a play; I find him in another room with earbuds blasting. We're forced to run a play without him, and when I try to retrieve Eric again, he's gone to take a dump. Despite being undermanned, my team manages to score, but instead of celebrating, all I can do is angrily vow to ruin Eric's life.
I Can't Weight Til It Arrives! (December 6, 2021)
I win a radio contest and am awarded...a scale (which I already have) and an $8200 credit line. I quickly try to pay down on a new car, since the office happens to be in my 1250 bedroom. Unfortunately, the salesman can't understand how I have $8200 and not the full price of $10K something.
The vision ends with me stuck outside the 1250; my uncle is trying to send me up to visit my granny but I have a RIDICULOUS amount of difficulty bagging some groceries I brought over. I'm finally told to "leave the goddamn groceries" and get my ass upstairs.
You've Had Better Ideas, Skillz (December 5, 2021)
Not much, just me deciding a busy street corner is the perfect spot to call in to Rick Tittle's sports radio show. As you might expect, noise—especially from a bus full of mouthy kids—interferes, and when traffic doesn't allow the noisy bus to proceed through a green light, I just about burst and Tittle ends the call. Sorry if that wasn't worth mentioning.
Mail Me My Check! (December 3, 2021)
I'm Fin from Law & Order: SVU, undercover as Floyd Mayweather's manager in a wrestling match with a very fat guy. About two minutes in, the opponent dies and Floyd runs away. I still haven't figured out why an undercover cop was needed for any of this.
You Are No Longer My Son! (December 2, 2021)
We open with me playing indoor softball with some younger black woman. I ground to third base and reach safely...except seconds later, she has no memory of it happening (or so she claims). I get pissed and quit.
Next, I crash my bike into a sound wall, which actually helps some guys who are trying to free a woman and kids who are somehow trapped inside of it. Unfortunately, they soon forget where they were digging and the people perish. Feeling responsible, I re-board my bike and beeline for my therapist...but I'm going so fast it takes me four full city blocks past his "office" to stop. Circling back, I join said therapist, who actually turns out to be Cheech Marin.
Skip to Oracle Park, home of the San Francisco Giants. I'm stationed in a (fictional) seating section in the right field corner, and using a tiny glove, I snag at least 10 foul balls and at one point even make a play on a fair ball without penalty. I try to give a young special needs kid a ball I caught, but his dad flips out and angrily leaves—taking two random Asian kids with him while leaving his son behind.
As the game winds down, a very small Jose Canseco tells me a funny tale of silencing a heckler, but when I start telling him how I enjoyed watching him play, Canseco speedwalks away with no response or acknowledgment.
Do I Need To Take A Mushroom In Here? (December 1, 2021)
Radio host Rick Tittle takes me to a newly-opened casino, where I spot my old pal L.T. and play a variety of slot games with him. I suck at all of them, however, and for some reason whenever I turn my back to the burly female security guard, she inches closer like the ghosts from the old Super Mario games. When I look at her, she freezes and looks away. "RACIST" I semi-whisper, even though she's also black.
Eventually it's time to leave, which requires climbing up a hill and squeezing through a small opening to the street. As Tittle makes it out, his wallet—which for some reason he's holding as he climbs—is snatched. But despite hurdles and dangers, I'm able to successfully recover it for him. He fails to thank me.