Night Visions, February 2020
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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Night Visions Hall Of Fame
(Dates of awakening listed)
How YOU Doin, Matt? (February 29, 2020)
All my IRL peeps and I party outside of some dorm. Everything I say, my buddy Aldo reacts as if to say "Don't listen to him, he's drunk" so I'm ignored much of the night, even as things shift back to the 1250. There, Matt LeBlanc tries to join in on the fun; I slip and call him "Joey" but he doesn't seem to mind.
Hours pass, most have left, but a trio of friends remain including "Scott". It takes some time, but I finally figure out why Scott won't leave:
It turns out he really likes one of my bathrooms and didn't want to leave without taking a crap in it. He finally does, and the party comes to an end.
Skip to an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent. A woman is giving us the run-around on the search for a bomb; she finally gives us a specific, "serious" location—under the pew in a church. We rush there, and of course, no bomb.
Still, Goren, Eames and I decide to canvas the building but for some reason, we have to wear sacks (yes, like those used in sack races). So the three of us bunny-hop to a back room and find...a bomb. We exit the building to meet Captain Deakins, completely forgetting to mention what we found inside. Naturally, the bomb goes off, and I decide I don't want to be held responsible and just walk off.
She's Made Me Mad, Too (February 28, 2020)
Once again, I am barreling through the grocery store on a shopping cart. In the checkout I try to use a borrowed ATM card; the cashier makes me sign two electronic forms, and some nosy bystander makes a snarky comment. Me to her: "You just a black bar raisin head!" I'm so angry I smooch the friend who picks me up, which might not be proper considering she's married to 90210's Dylan McKay INV.
We return to the 1250 with all kinds of food, but I choose to dine on bath tissue and ranch sauce in the bathroom. Dylan passes by and is incredulous. I warn him to not say a word.
Skip to some large office space, where I pitch to two young women while my ex argues with her co-worker. He goes outside, but hears something that sets him off and charges my ex at 100 MPH. Me: "Lay a hand on her and I'll kill you where you stand." He instead lays a hand on me, executing a grip on my shoulder that renders my left arm almost useless. But the scene is anti-climactic; nothing really happens before a skip to Home Depot.
There, I park my ride inside the store. While waiting for keys to be copied, some teen accidentally hits me with a ball twice and I threaten to take it. He then goofs off near the key machine and I warn him he'll lose his fingers. My mom then appears and wonders why we haven't started "the baptism". I can only shrug and explain Home Depot's services.
We end with some A-Team stuff; I get to slither through a building with the team as we work to complete our mission, which is helping a student sell Liberian flags in his community. I also get to "shoot at" a bad guy with water and staple guns, and witness B.A. throwing a fat teen onto the roof of a car.
You've Played Detectives. Can YOU Find It? (February 22, 2020)
I have the use of a race car for the morning, but don't really do anything with it until returning it to the lot. Unfortunately, before checking it in, the car straight vanishes. Luckily, Don Johnson is there to console me and tell me what a great guy I am.
Next, I play some baseball outside a thrift store with a couple of 4th-graders; they hit literally every ball back in my direction and I nimbly snag everything like the 25-year-old I once was. Their mom feels the need to tell me she is no longer a single mom, and I'm unclear if she means I'M the daddy now or what.
Skip to a junkyard, Bernie Mac is there conferring with one of the other Kings Of Comedy (I forget which). Suddenly, two teens approach him; one throws a knife that misses, but the other half-suplexes him to the ground. Just as it seems intervention is needed, the whole thing is revealed to be a performance to teach kids of the junkyard about life. Me: "What the hell did I just see?"
Finally, I'm Dan from Roseanne, and I've patroned the 6th-floor, coin-operated Burger King Becky works at. Soon, I overhear an obviously jealous manager complaining about Becky, so I inform the witch (without saying who I am) that I personally saw Becky clean the place top-to-bottom and that she's a fabulous employee. Still steamed, I steal a tray out of spite before storming away.
12 In A 5 Zone! (February 21, 2020)
After a ton of One Life To Live stuff, I find myself inside a grocery store, wheeling across the store end-to-end on a shopping cart in an effort to impress. Literally no one pays me any attention—until I reach my car, where old teammate Eddie is WAY TOO EXCITED to help me load my groceries and lug them up my stairs.
Murder, She Committed! (February 20, 2020)
Tonight, I've got Angela Lansbury like you've never seen her before! Having joined the cast of Monk, Lansbury is strapped with machine guns and taking on a group of baddies in some outdoor mall. No word on who actually wins this battle, but isn't the imagery enough?
A Referral On The Last Day?? (February 18, 2020)
It's the last day of high school (again). In the middle of class, some girl gets up and leaves with her alleged mom; the teacher half-assedly "confirms" this by asking me "Did it look like her mother?" then goes back to instructing. This upsets a fellow student to the point of getting a referral to the principal's office. Rather than accept his fate, the guy decides to book it; I corral him and warn him not to blame his punishment on racism. He actually promises not to, so I release him and join an impromptu "Donna Martin Graduates" protest outside. #90210
That Was Rude, Jerry (February 13, 2020)
We start off with a young Jerry Seinfeld in a movie; apparently his character stepped out on his wife and is now getting divorced. The wife is taking the kids to live halfway across the country. Jerry sheepishly asks if he can still see the kids once in a while. The wife tersely agrees, then goes into a diatribe in which she explains the worst part of Jerry's affair was that he told her to shut up.
The moving company arrives; they are in a giant tow truck that is named and labeled "Michael Landon", exposing the film's age.
Skip to some beach. After The Situation is arrested and taken away, I sit with his date. The place becomes an auditorium with Elizabeth Berkeley seated near the front, and some fan asks her what her "real" first name is, plus a reminder of her "German" last name. Then some people way up high recognize me and I turn socially awkward, disappointing them.
Finally, my grandma gives me a hard time about my "buck teeth"; I remind her she has no teeth at all and shouldn't be talking.
Skillz Vs. Seniors (February 12, 2020)
It's NFL football, with me and Hall-of-Fame lineman Gene Upshaw vs. O.J. Simpson and others from their era. I try to run past Simpson and am failing miserably until Upshaw takes hold of me and powers me right through him (not unlike that Bart/Nelson scene from The Simpsons). In hindsight: this vision might not have been worth mention.
Ted's Dream Job (February 11, 2020)
I'm in 7-11 trying to buy raw chicken (?) when a woman races across an intersection to stop a speeder. After I depart the store, that same woman is being met by an ambulance. The moral of the story here: don't try to be Batman, people.
Next, the "Three's Company Comics" perform at a school; the performance is basically six attractive women piled up on top of each other with Ted Danson feeling them up. Later, I end up at the 1250, where music by "Super Bowl Winners" is playing on the radio—the songs are "Respect" by Aretha Franklin and "Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5, neither of whom have won a Super Bowl that I'm aware of.
First Down, Literally (February 7-9, 2020)
After crying with my grandma over All My Children, I view footage of an earthquake in which an elderly woman is stampeded and knocked down stairs by Super Bowl players; she seemingly dies as her wobbly husband takes an eternity to get downstairs himself. Later, I sign an autograph for a female named "Halyli".
He Just Looked So Peaceful (February 3, 2020)
DJ Khaled, fresh off his appearance in a Super Bowl ad, is revealed to be Josie's actual father. He immediately insists upon packing her lunch and driving her to school. I agree, provided I ride shotgun. Not surprisingly, Khaled falls asleep behind the wheel forcing me to half-mount him in order to control the brake and pedal. Rather than wake him, for some reason I just continue driving us all the way to school in this manner.
What Do Dragons Have To Cry About? (February 2, 2020)
Outside of a bus I'm riding are several crying kids. One turns out to be a baby rainbow dragon. Another is upset because he "loves Josie". Feeling pity, I insist Josie walk him inside his apartment building and hug him; she does, but then accidentally dangles him over the side of the stairwell (not unlike Michael Jackson) forcing heroic intervention from a stranger.
Now I Got One Less, One Less Problem (February 1, 2020)
I'm in an auditorium (or somewhere) performing along with Ariana Grande. For whatever reason I take over singing from her, and the crowd boos because my ass crack keeps showing despite my preventive efforts. I argue with smack talkers and show them the door, most notably calling one "YOU PIMPLE BITCH!!!"