Night Visions, February 2021
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
I DO Care What You Did, For The Record (February 28, 2021)
I'm in the street dragging my new grill to my old apartment, but there's no storage there and I'm forced to put it on the roof. But as I climb a ladder to said roof, the mission changes—still climbing the ladder, I'm now with local radio hosts Steiny, Guru and Dibs on a mission to find hosiery for our wives as "As Long As You Love Me" by the Backstreet Boys plays.
Next, I'm Modern Family actress Ariel Winter, filming an ad of myself graduating college in the 1250 driveway. But I blow my scene, and my part is given to the aforementioned Guru. Lastly, Hulk Hogan enters a 7-11, beats some idiot in a "match", then leaves.
There Was No Baseball in 1800 (February 24, 2021)
A day after Tiger Woods' IRL car crash, I help him from the hospital to his (rather small) house, then go to investigate the crash scene on my own. Somehow, I don't realize until arriving on the scene that I have no idea what I'm doing, and the "investigation" ceases.
Next, I find myself trying to be intimate with a tiny Asian woman on the floor, but it proves difficult when my mom gathers the 1800 Oakland Athletics just a couple yards away.
Start With Oil Problems, End With Oil Fun (February 19, 2021)
First, I return to work at Taco Bell but cannot fry chips properly and am scolded. So I then return to work at FedEx but allow a stack of packages to tip over and get scolded for that. So I wander around and wind up on the set of Las Vegas, where an actor (out-of-character) fears an assassination and keeps jumping behind cars like a moron. Things end with me setting up to oil-massage a small Filipino woman at the 1250.
You Guys Mind Payment In Quarters? (February 17, 2021)
I decide to reboot the ABC serial One Life To Live all on my own, not letting the fact that I have no cash, no staff and not even the slightest idea what I'm doing get in the way. I sign several actors to contracts (though Kamar De Los Reyes turns me down) and soon, it's time to begin shooting. Still broke, I quickly team with my mama and open a laundromat in Oakland, California, to fund the show.
That's Just Nasty (February 16, 2021)
Working undercover for...someone, I get Ray Romano out of a jam, so my handlers then use me to infiltrate a group led by Biggie Smalls (who's played by Tracy Morgan in this vision). Once inside, I screw up the lyrics to the Folgers commercial jingle, singing "Roasted Nut" instead of "Waking Up". Biggie/Morgan laughs heartily and I'm allowed to stay in the group. Success...I think?
Never Got To Take My Shot (February 15, 2021)
I'm playing basketball with, and as, old-time NBA stars Dave Twardzik, John Havlicek and Bill Russell...that is, until I'm distracted by a very leggy executive (who, I'm told, was so paranoid about a potential affair between her husband and a staffer that she fired the staffer and got a divorce). All of a sudden, before I can make my move on the executive, the scene skips to the 1250 yard where Josie and I are confronted by a giant bug.
I'm still pissed about "missing my chance".
Someone's Soda Is VERY Flat By Now (February 14, 2021)
Happy Valentine's Day! Things open with the TV series NCIS: Los Angeles ending, and part of the final episode takes place in a market parking lot near my IRL home. Callen and Hanna are about to be taken out, but luckily, local IRL radio host Dan Dibley is on the case. After briefly becoming lost in the market, Dibley—who no one would ever consider agent material—thwarts the attack and saves the agents, who don't even thank him.
Then I find myself at some event with NFL players; one of them, who is literally square-headed, proudly introduces me to his son—a blue bottle cap. More out of fear than anything, I politely ask to play with the "kid" and do so for several minutes.
Use A Cart, Phil! (February 10, 2021)
After scenes with actress Bree Williamson in a warehouse with a couple of green cat-turtles, we shift to The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air. Geoffrey meets a janitor who, for whatever reason, only speaks in rhyme. On the spot, Geoffrey decides his days as a butler are over and retires from serving the Banks family. Will and Phil support him and buy him a massive TV as a going-away gift (with Phil refusing anyone's help lifting it and comically struggling).
I then decide to honor Geoffrey, and all black men, with "Brother's Day"; a few friends and I begin work setting it up in the middle of San Francisco streets. I am excited at what will surely bring me notoriety!
Lastly, Warriors big man Kevon Looney chugs coffee from a pot under the basket in between plays.
Was Dennis Hopper On The Bus? (February 8, 2021)
Tonight was a night of absolutely no structure, just a bunch of stuff that happened. Including:
Barry Bonds buying Taco Bell as Giants announcers ignore his presence,
Me deliberately peeing in my mom's bed,
Me catching a fly ball, "returning" it like a football, then collapsing in a rather un-masculine way,
Me unintentionally freaking out the child of a soap star in public, and
The bomb squad being called in when my bus-driving aunt can't negotiate a turn.
Where Did They FIND This Girl? (February 6, 2021)
Things begin with a Simpsons episode; the family has taken in a Paris Hilton-esque freeloader who is so inept at life, she can't even purchase popcorn at a grocery store—she has no idea how (and isn't really ashamed of that). Marge runs out of patience and hits the shameless guest with an ultimatum. Soon, a clergyman (not Reverend Lovejoy) arrives to counsel "Paris", who complains the Simpsons "don't do anything to turn me on". The clergyman responds by committing suicide.
When the episode ends, a group photo of the entire cast of Married...With Children is shown, for no reason.
Next, "Monica Lewinsky" accompanies me on a delivery to some major building (on Kevin Street) in Washington, D.C. Inside the building, we're stopped by Arnold Schwarznegger, who forces us to watch him "magically" make the package disappear. When I reveal I voted for him, he eases up and allows us to continue. But only a foot massage to a hairy-legged woman gets me the package back.
"Monica" and I continue to climb floors until we finally reach the package recipient, a disabled man who's over the moon at our effort. As we begin the voyage back to the street, it's clear a very important meeting featuring very important people is about to begin inside the building. Some of the heavy hitters we encounter make it clear they want the charming "Monica" to stay, but I won't allow it ("I'm training her, and I've got more deliveries!").
...If It Wasn't For That Stupid Skillz! (February 4, 2021)
The Scooby-Doo gang and I pursue a villain inside of a house-sized dragon. Said villain hides behind a wall only she can breach, so we somehow enter through the rear of the dragon (hopefully not its butt, but not clear) and capture the villain that way.
Also, I stalk my friend Jenn, not letting a flat left rear tire stop me from sidling up next to her at a red light and being generally creepy without even trying.
Shaq, Fonzi Died! (February 3, 2021)
After learning of Henry Winkler's INV death, I head to the 1250 to commiserate with Shaq. Instead, Shaq just shows me a video of the INV time he fell off the backboard and hit his head, then was flagrantly fouled by (ex-NBA star) Andrew Bogut and hit his head again moments later. "Do that again and I'll KILL YOU!" a fuming present-day Shaq warns Bogut through the screen. (?)
I try to lighten the mood by informing Shaq of my huge IRL fandom during my youth, and even owning his shoes, but he doesn't really care and I end up looking dumb.
Next, at my apartment complex, there's an emergency at a building across the way. I sneak close to the scene...and closer...and closer...standing just a few feet away as someone in authority prepares to kick me out. I book it before he can and butt-slide down the concrete stairs back home. (The emergency? Half of the building collapsed, that's all.)
I Don't WANT To Know You Now (February 2, 2021)
At a home for juveniles, one guy wonders how another guy gets so much nooky. All is calm at first, but then the second guy's schizophrenia kicks in ("YOU DON'T KNOW ME!! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!") and he slams the head of a third guy against the wall thrice. He then tries to attack Captain Cragen from Law & Order: SVU who's on scene for some reason, but is subdued.
The vision ends with me in jail trading orange juice for macaroni with old IRL co-worker Boris. (Wait...we're both locked up?)