Night Visions, February 2022

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Was I Implying She Was Trashy? (February 28, 2022)

I use a public shower room; the women are not at all concerned about my presence, thankfully. Upon leaving, I find a mini version of late actress Donna Reed, place her in a clutter-filled car, then get arrested for possessing guns I didn't even know I had. I just report the visions, people. I can't explain them.

Stay Out Of The Lab, Ken (February 24, 2022)

After a weird scene in which some girl goes all-out to give my cousin a box, and another scene where radio host Bonta Hill approaches a TV judge and says "We're in the same field (?); I feel we should keep in contact", we skip to some laboratory/dungeon area.

There, Scrubs actor Ken Jenkins (Dr. Kelso) is with a woman; he asks if she wants to see "D.P." After some haggling, he opens a door to reveal "DavePig", a half-man, half-pig who rumbles around. When Jenkins cannot get DavePig to follow orders, he slips on some boxing gloves and prepares to duke it out. DavePig simply lifts Jenkins up and throws him through a shut door, knocking him out (or worse). For good measure, the beast then picks up the woman and slams her to the ground as well. Fun times.

Khandi! HEELLLPPP!!! (February 19, 2022)

Things begin at the 1250, where a number of former San Francisco Giants are gathered to listen to an elderly bowling alley owner speak about the team's old days. At one point I rise and declare "I've got some trivia", which sends Barry Bonds into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

Next, I'm in a room, unsure of what's going on. The entire maincast of NewsRadio walks past and I happily greet them, as I was a fan of the show IRL. They all eye me and give no reaction. It's at that point I realize I'm a female slave, and my master orders me (and others) to do push-ups. I follow orders, but when said master approaches me with a pair of pliers, I assume punishment is imminent, and I take off running at full speed across a grassy patch and onto a school campus (whose automatic fence fails to shut in time). Thankfully, that's where it ends—slavery ain't for Skillz.

Skillz The Paper-Pusher (February 17, 2022)

I'm attending the wedding of local sports radio host Mark Willard, as are Bob Saget and a couple of people Josie used to play with at the park. As Saget sews some outfits, I struggle continuously with the buttons on my shirt until finally figuring them out (kind of). Then, since Willard is taking forever to rehearse, I leave for a few minutes to drop my mom off at work—only to return and discover Willard said "I do" during that brief absence. I find him behind the counter of an onsite Giants Dugout Store, still in his wedding getup, and not pleased about my absence. Oh, well.

Things end with me, my grandma, and my old Taco Bell boss running a Taco Bell from the 1250 window. As I try to make orders, newspapers keep covering all the food up; the more I move them, the worse it gets. Finally, I finish an order, but by then the customers are driving away, with one yelling "You SUCK" at us as they go.

I Tried...Sort Of (February 14, 2022)

At the 1250, I open the door to find a 10ish boy on the porch. He's crapped his pants, so I go back inside to find some clean underwear for him at least. But the effort takes WAY longer than expected because I'm distracted by Don Baylor (former MLB star) highlights on TV, as well as a Yankees no-hitter in progress. By the time I finally return to the porch, the kid is gone, which is just as well since I forgot the clean underwear.

Guess I'm A Cop Now (February 11, 2022)

All I can recall is following Lennie Briscoe from Law & Order into a stairwell as he pursues a suspect. Within seconds, Briscoe is down. Before I can do anything, his partner Ed Green arrives to administer aid, ordering ME to chase the bad guy up the stairs towards the roof. I do as I'm told, but never find the suspect. At least Green didn't think it was me who messed Briscoe up...

Hey Bills, Want A Championship? (February 9, 2022)

It's the Super Bowl; 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo executes a bootleg, and with nothing but open field and a sure touchdown in front of him, he steps out of bounds at around the 20-yard line. So kicker Robbie Gould comes on for the winning field goal, with me as the holder. Naturally, I botch the snap and the 49ers lose. I'm absolutely devastated, but still join the rest of my teammates in giving the victorious Buffalo Bills a tour of Levi's Stadium immediately following the game.

Later, despite the minor inconvenience of being deceased, all four of The Golden Girls—including Betty White—attend Betty White's funeral in my childhood bedroom. 

Too Late Now, Coach! (February 8, 2022)

Initially set sometime in the 2000's; for some reason I'm incredulous that Cardinals superstar Albert Pujols is trying to help the Cardinals win the World Series. Back in present times, a teacher shows up and has me draw, but I end up boarding a helicopter with John Madden on it. I offer the NFL legend condolences on his recent passing; he seems to have forgotten that he died and shouldn't be on this flight. 

Carla Tortelli, I Am Not (February 7, 2022)

Working on a dock, I am tasked with carrying a plate of tacos to the INV Mexican grandson of late Cheers star Nicholas Colasanto (Coach). I drop one, but escape reprimand. Boo-yah.

ONLY Talk About NewsRadio, Joe (February 6, 2022)

Random stuff, such as: the Oakland A's playing the Oakland A's in different classic uniforms; me being punished for who knows what with a rectal temperature check in front of many others; me walking up the street with "my" Yankees teammates but being repeatedly obstructed by fans until I snap; the walk continuing with just me and actor/comedian/host Joe Rogan, and finally me chatting Rockies baseball with an ugly-legged Norah O'Donnell doppleganger.

Finders Keepers! (February 5, 2022)

Just me walking around with a Blu-Ray that NBA stars Devin Booker, Andre Iguodala, Stephen Curry and Kevin Durant would all like to take from me. I somehow hold it over their long outstretched arms and get away.

Cold, Cold Heart (February 2, 2022)

I walk the streets of Sunnyvale, CA and end up at what's being marketed as a "rap battle" between two twin brothers. I sit down and listen to...a damn ballad, which drives me away fairly quickly. I take a bus to a nearby political event; dozens of politicians and washed-up celebrities are on a stage in support of some measure or whatever. As the emcee speaks, she's drowned out by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and some male political figure singing "Sacrifice" by Elton John. They refuse to stop and are soon escorted out of the building.

I exit as well and end up at a house with Ariana Grande standing in the kitchen, holding a box of some hair product. We briefly speak, but then suddenly she's ON the box she's holding; my attempts to locate her human form are fruitless. Things end at some fast food lobby where I play MLB: The Show; retired star Bobby Bonilla rips a ball so hard, it shoots through the lobby and into the bathroom. I recover the ball, but not before Bonilla has circled the bases.

How About We Swap Roles, George? (February 1, 2022)

At the 1250, I'm sharing the story of former Yankees superstar CC Sabathia's dispute with the Rays that could have cost him a bonus (long story) had the Yankees not decided to still pay it. As I talk, late Yankees owner George Steinbrenner gives somebody a tour of the 1250; I ask him for confirmation of my story but he barely acknowledges me and continues with his tour.