Night Visions Hall Of Fame
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose." -Dr. Seuss
These are the best of the best Night Visions on this site, as voted on by you and me.
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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Art by ROBCASS0.
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Night Visions Hall Of Fame: Courtroom On The Diamond (2007) · Murdered For Socks (2011 A) · The Cat In The Hat Dies (2011 B) · Denzel's "Scenes" (2012 A) · Toilet Tub (2012 B) · Detective Beavis (2016) · Murphy's Complaints (2017) · Listen Up, Skillz (2018 A) · Can't Put A Price On Ass (2018 B) · As One Leaves, Another Heaves (2018 C) · The Price Is Wrong (2020) · So Much Assault (2021)
2021 (April 25): So Much Assault
Things begin with me and a colleague escorting a couple of mentally-slow clients to a discount store. We browse around and all is well...until my client (who we'll call "Seth") finds an oversized pencil he ordered not to his satisfaction. Seth's mood sours and eventually, he tries to attack me with the pencil. I'm forced to punch him in the stomach to get him under control.
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Twice more, Seth—who isn't small—comes after me, going for my eyes with the pencil at one point. (WTF did I let him keep the pencil?) I beat him some more, this time drawing blood, and we all pile back into the car and leave. My colleague is driving, I'm riding shotgun, and Seth is in the backseat grumbling.
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For whatever reason, my colleague avoids the main road and instead drives through side roads and alleys to return to our base. In one alley, kids dart into our path, at least one of them intentionally. After repeated braking, I get fed up and knock the kids down through my passenger window. I also get fed up with my idiot colleague's route and exit the car, opting to run/walk back to base.
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Shortly, night falls, and I'm still nowhere near where I need to be. I pass some 20-something guy who, after a brief exchange, reveals himself to be a gay sex worker. Caught off-guard, I tell the guy "...maybe next time" which to him, means right now. He tries to physically drag me off to parts unknown, but I resist. Finally, he gives me his card and promises oral pleasure. I continue on, confirming I still have my wallet and phone.
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A few minutes later, I stop at some restaurant. Outside waiting for me is a Lee Majors-type fella with an evil smile on his face. I immediately conclude he saw/heard my exchange with the sex worker and wants to kick my ass. Before he can, I get the advantage and slam his head repeatedly on the sidewalk until he's toast.
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Inside the restaurant, I head straight for the restroom, where yet another guy waits. This one is younger, shirtless and well-built, and he too seems to want a fight. This time, I'm out of fight and collapse on the floor, ready for whatever beating is coming. But all this guy does is give me a "blow" job—he literally blows across my entire midsection, then he spits a liter of some clear fluid on my crotch before booking it from the restroom. ???
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Outside, it is daytime again...but I do not have my wallet and phone. I return inside and find the spit guy, who sheepishly returns both items. End vision.
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(Other scenes include me trying to climb up a very unsafe airplane ramp around an unconscious girl, YouTube sensation Dr. Jason and I turning the 1250 garage into a gym, and present-day Willie Mays in a UFC match in New York.)
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2020 (November 12): The Price Is Wrong
I'm on The Price Is Right and bid an exact dollar amount on Contestant's Row. However, even though he overbid by $48, the guy next to me is chosen to go onstage. Obviously, I'm not happy with this and stop everything to confront Drew Carey. Drew: "That's just the way we do things around here!" I lose it and an ambulance is called.
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2018 (May 11): Listen Up, Skillz
Former MLB star/manager Dusty Baker asks if I've been to a Cubs game since their legend Ernie Banks died, I mishear it as "Has Ernie Banks been to a Cubs game since he died?" Dusty: "I didn't say nothin' bout no zombie s---", cracking me up. He then turns sinister and demands I tell him everything I know about his ex-teammate Dave Stewart.
At last, things close with Full House actress Jodie Sweetin, 35ish, asking me how to get her dad to let her stay out late.
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2018 (June 18): Can't Put A Price On Ass
With my day now free, I join up with actress Marg Helgenberger and some unnamed fellow; we debate who the best all-time glasses-wearing black comedian is. I name Cedric The Entertainer, they toss some names around. I ask, "Did Bill Cosby ever wear glasses?" The guy mishears that as a question about Barack Obama—which prompts me to begin my Obama-the-Comedian act:
ME (as Obama): "My fellow Americans...if you can overlook the amendment that keeps me from being President again...I promise you this, that I will work as hard as it takes...to get a piece of ass for everyone."
(Marg and dude bust out laughing)
ME (as Obama): "Muthaf----s need booty."
DUDE (as adviser): "But Mr. President, how do you plan to fit that in the budget?"
ME (as Obama): "F---the budget!"
(Marg is about to pass out laughing)
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2018 (October 2): As One Leaves, Another Heaves
It's my version of The Office. I'm a new employee, hired just in time to witness an Indian employee and an East Asian employee arguing in heavily-accented, broken English about god knows what. The first guy grabs his stuff and quits, shouting "I'm done with you bitches!"
I meekly utter "I haven't even met you, dude." He introduces himself, shakes my hand, but doesn't take back the insult before storming out.
Shortly after, I'm seated at a table with a few colleagues (from the show). We're discussing what makes us puke; for Roy, it's the mere thought of puke—as he immediately proves by upchucking a few ounces on my chest and face. I immediately hit the floor and go into semi-catatonia.
Able to move and think, but not speak or change expressions, I try two different bathrooms to clean up, but neither is open. Michael and Jim offer to walk me—still wearing barf—to an off-site bathroom...but it turns out to be a prank; the room is actually an arcade. They run off laughing, and I'm still coated in puke and unable to speak.
Now in a spacious grassy park, I snap and start ramming people at random until tracking Michael down. I force him to smell my puke shirt until HE, too, pukes all over me and himself. I find the time to toss a 7-foot robot villain into the bay before the vision mercifully ends.
2017 (August 14): Murphy's Complaints
Tonight, we answer the question you've all been asking since the early 1990's—what happens when the worlds of Paul Reiser and Eddie Murphy collide?
It's an episode of Mad About You. Paul's new downstairs neighbor is either Eddie Murphy, or a character played by Murphy. He visits Paul's place to complain about the "noise", even though there isn't very much noise. Over the course of the episode, Murphy makes repeated visits, each time for additional complaining.
Paul acquiesces to Murphy time and time again, even going as far as to stop typing since apparently even THAT is disturbing Murphy through the floor. At one point, Paul even promises to donate his furniture to Murphy's wood-chopping business, hoping to bribe him out of complaining any further.
Eventually, when Murphy still isn't pleased, Paul goes downstairs to hear for himself. Murphy's unit is cavernous, at least 15-20 feet high, and needless to say Paul—who's tasked Jamie with being "noisy" upstairs—can't hear a thing, nor can the mystery young woman who's just decided to enter the premises out of curiosity.
At this point, Murphy realizes the jig is up, and in so many words admits all his complaining was just for attention. He then begins to spasm, as Paul and woman wisely beat a hasty retreat.
2016 (January 18): Detective Beavis
Me and the cast of Martin are riding at night in an old van. At first I'm Cole, and I'm so embarrassed at my presets I'm working hard to cover them up. Soon, I become me, with Gina as my ex. She's horny and I—like any straight male during the Martin era would—try to nail her, but betrayal guilt (?) keeps me from performing and I only poke around down there a little before quitting.
Skip to a Law & Order episode; Green and Briscoe spot a mugging while investigating another crime. Green catches the super-racist mugger, then continue the first investigation at a house with an even more racist witness who disrespects the black Green and falsely accuses Briscoe of making a pass at her.
As things drag on, she hypnotizes Briscoe, leaving him grinning Beavis-like with no focus—meaning he's unable to stop a kid from biting Green in an attempt to spread rabies.
2012 (March 14): Toilet Tub
In this vision, the weirdness didn't wait—I walk to my bathroom, then open the door. Behind it is my bud Jason sitting on the edge of my bathtub, obscured by a newspaper but clearly taking a dump. Sitting on the closed toilet is DeMarcus Cousins of the Sacramento Kings, in full uniform and headband, sketching him. For some reason, I'm the embarrassed one, and I jet as quickly as I enter.
No sooner than I close the door than a note appears under it, with the words "GET OUT" spelled with clipped magazine letters ransom-note style.
While trying to process A) how either of them prepared a note so fast, B) what either of them had to gain by not simply writing the note, and C) why on Earth any of that was happening, I begin packing my bags for parts unknown.
2012 (February 4): Denzel's Scenes
Tonight's vision begins at 9pm, and my mom is dropping me off at the house of a "friend" like I'm still in 5th grade. I do not know which friend. Surprise!!!
(IRL, I had few friends in 5th grade, and the ones I did have wouldn't have let me in their house. But I'm not here to talk about the past.)
As I get out of the car, a strange dude is biking across the street. In pitch black conditions, I have to physically restrain my mother the extrovert from getting out of her car and chatting up this seedy dude (translation: committing suicide-by-creep).
Frustrated, I approach the house, where loud music blasts and a large statue looms on the shadowy porch—or so I think. Again, I've never been here before. (Thanks, MOM.) Once I reach the door, I realize the "statue" is actually Denzel Washington, who's been standing motionless on the porch for God knows how long. He tells me he wants to "act out some scenes".
You've seen his movies; THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING. Am I gonna get abandoned at the house of murderous gang members? Or is he gonna give me a special stuffed animal after my piano lesson? I'm apprehensive, but this is Denzel Washington, a man who is probably only told "no" when he inquires about a wait at his preferred restaurant.
We go inside, where we act out a "scene" in which he angrily chokes me in front of the previous bike creep. He doesn't seem at all bothered by the total lack of cameras. Or crew. Or even a script. Somehow—perhaps fortunately—I keep accidentally injuring him during "taping", and when the other guy reveals he has no idea who Denzel is, he exits in frustration.
Mysteriously, the loud music suddenly ceases as well, as if it was also offended.
2011 (February 14): Murdered For Socks
My IRL bud Rodel and I are skipping rocks at some serene lake. Which is pretty bizarre in and of itself, but it gets worse.
Suddenly, out of the blue, 10 mobsters in full suits (and one in a cowboy hat, for some reason) appear and open fire into Del. They just keep blasting him for what seems like forever. I even look down at my watch, this murder is taking SO long.
When they finish, they take off Del's shoes, steal his socks, and put his shoes back on. They then pile into a school bus and head off to wherever they came from. I go to call 911 and reach into my pocket for my phone...until I realize I'm now wearing a dress.
It's time for some lifestyle changes.
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2011 (January 11): The Cat In The Hat Dies
Vision A:
I am in line at a very crowded grocery store; all the lines are about 10 deep and they're not moving. Nothing unusual about that—until I gaze around and notice what the waiting customers are doing to pass the time.
One MAN has taken it upon himself to knit. A Level 6 on the Weirdness Scale.
Nearby, a family is building a tent, having apparently concluded they'll be waiting overnight to pay for their groceries. A Level 7.2 on the Weirdness Scale.
Behind the first man is a woman who came PREPARED for a long wait—she is actually painting a portrait of the cashier and customers. A Level 8 on the Weirdness Scale.
Finally, to my right, a man and his pregnant wife are arguing. I don't remember their exchange word for word, but basically the husband wanted his wife to give birth right there in the store, because there are people there who will clean up the mess for free. (Naturally, the wife was not sold on the idea.) A Level 9.3 on the Weirdness Scale.
Vision B: I am a police detective, and The Cat In The Hat is my partner. Our assignment is to catch Batman, who has been driving around town with expired tags. Unfortunately, we are unable to even begin our mission, because as soon as we step outside, the Cat In The Hat is melted by the sun.
Ohh-kayy.
2007 (October 3): The Courtroom On The Diamond
I have truly lost it. That is the only explanation I have for this particular night vision.
I am back in high school after a nine-year absence. At some point while in class, I turned on the TV. It was a Padres-Giants game, and a Padre had just been hit in the face by a pitch and was pissed. A bench-clearing brawl ensued, which is not uncommon in baseball.
Off to the side, Pads pitcher Jake Peavy—who for some reason is seriously intoxicated—and Giants catcher Eliezer Alfonzo are off to the side; somehow I can hear Alfonzo pleading to Peavy that he "didn't mean to hurt him"—him presumably being the original guy hit.
In any event, Peavy socks the crap out of him. Not a single other Giant is coming to his aid. The two of these guys are all by themselves, which never happens in a real brawl.
Alfonzo doesn't want to, but has no choice but to swing at Peavy. The punch does little. Peavy throws another serious right hand, dazing Alfonzo, who eventually collapses to the ground face first.
Peavy, still drunk, decides to sock him one more time in the back of the head. He swings wildly and misses, loses his balance and falls backward into a trash can in the dugout. I laugh loudly.
At this moment the camera cuts back to the main brawl, which is settled down. I don't know if he wanted to finish his sandwich, or was taking a dump, but Giants OF Todd Linden comes running out of the dugout with his dukes up even though by this time everyone else is just standing around. He seems disappointed.
(The closing “scenes” are what's making me believe my marbles are lost.)
The camera cut to two guys in white shirts running from the outfield, towards the fallen Alfonzo. I assume they are paramedics at first.
Turns out they are the grounds crew, and one of them has a GAVEL.
Two more are behind him, running in, carrying a JUDGE'S BENCH AND A WITNESS STAND somehow. Aren’t those things solid oak?
Apparently, those in authority have decided to skip the whole process of arresting and charging Peavy. They have also decided to skip the unimportant step of getting Alfonzo medical attention. They are just going to try Peavy right there on the field, with his victim still unconscious on the ground.
The camera cuts to an umpire putting on a judge's robe over his uniform.
Anybody recommend a good therapist?