Night Visions, January 2020
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Wow. Call Me Whatever You Want! (January 29, 2020)
Things begin with my mom, Josie and myself living in some oversized mobile home. Lyndah from Operation Repo arrives; apparently she stays with us every weekend like some joint custody thing (even though she's almost 41). We don't talk much and I'm not even sure she knows my name, so imagine my surprise when she climbs over the couch and shoves her tongue down my throat. Note: I do not mind.
Skip to a Christmas episode of One Life To Live (RIP). The scene switches between Brody and some other lunk physically brawling for the affections of Marty (a female, just to be clear) and the Buchanan family protesting all the violence on the show, ironically. Later, I show up with gifts for the juvenile Buchanans and broker peace between Kevin and Andrew (the former basically stole the latter's wife once upon a time.)
Super Bowl? More Like Blooper Bowl (January 26, 2020)
A mix of NFL players, NBA players, soap actors, my IRL buds and myself play a spring football league championship game. Got all that? Okay.
My team scores, and to celebrate I try to throw the ball to Jerry Rice on the sideline, but accidentally peg buddy Juan's snuggling girlfriend in the dome. When the game ends, my squad reports to the 1250 for sleep.
The next morning, I try to pee in a closet but before I can, ex-NBA star Patrick Ewing rages at former teammate John Starks over god knows what, then slams him down HARD on top of a nearby computer, shouting "I DON'T WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN!!" My reaction? To quietly sidle out of the room and pee elsewhere.
Modern Day Drive-Thru (January 25, 2020)
Things begin with me and my crew enjoying some adult beverages; Chicken is so upset at a woman not returning his Home Depot stuff (?) that he up and heaves everywhere. Next, I'm a taxi driver, and some girl wants a ride all the way to Seattle. However, before we even reach a highway, the directions she gives lead me literally inside a busy restaurant. Fortunately, no known casualties.
After a period sliding around the Taco Bell floor like Kramer on steroids, we skip to a store in a mall that looks fancy, but is in fact a discount store. Apparently, James Avery (Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) has been taking his lady there for gifts, but only now does she realize they're all cheap. When she takes open offense, Avery insults her legs, and I try to reassure her by...molesting said legs without permission.
Finally, I and many IRL ex-classmates are attending a "Life Graduation"—apparently once you reach 40 it's time for one of these. It's run by old P.E. coach Mr. Minahen, who will only issue diplomas to those who can outlift him with the dumbbell.
Afterward, I steal a bunch of napkins, then proceed to deliver some leftover pumpkins (?) from the ceremony to a graduate's house. I make the backyard dropoff, dodging two dead dogs in the process, then am asked by a relative to help her wash even more pumpkins...sigh.
Whatever You Say, Champ (January 24, 2020)
Things begin with teenage me trying to watch porn at the 1250, only for my family to repeatedly pass by outside. I try valiantly and desperately to get the porn off the screen but of course, this being a night vision, all my efforts fail. Finally, the video becomes a high school bullying ad starring two jocks vs. two non-jocks.
One jock reaches inside his victim's backpack, removes a sandwich, then "accidentally" drops it on the ground with an "Oops" for good measure. The other jock: "What'cha gonna do, steal our email addresses?" Victim 2 has to be held back from...well, honestly, getting his butt whipped.
After some business with longtime MLB star Orel Hershiser's last name spelling, we skip back to the 1250, this time my old bedroom. Late boxing legend Ken Norton Sr. is there for some reason; I inform him I'd never heard of him until watching his son Ken Jr. star for the Cowboys in the early 1990's. "That's when you became a man!" Norton responds.
He then lays his head across my lap and tries to convince me that all men are gay. I'm too frazzled to argue.
A Giant Stool, and a Giant Fool (January 23, 2020)
It's Shaquille O'Neal's Lakers vs. Dwight Howard's Lakers inside the 1250 bathroom, but play is delayed until Andre Iguodala physically breaks a giant turd in half so the toilet can be flushed.
Skip to me in an alley somewhere—evidently, a guy is trying to rent a car for $4300 of the $5000 he agreed to pay, leading to conflict. It ends when two losers off him. Detectives Green and Bernard from Law & Order bring them to the police station, along with me for testimony, but we all get lost taking a garage route inside. In the end, the losers end up playing a foil baseball game with three women in the basement/warehouse.
Things end with soap character Luke Spencer (General Hospital) wanting to hear MLB Hall-of-Famer Goose Gossage play music.
Knockout!!! (January 21-22, 2020)
Near a road construction site, a football team witnesses Mike Tyson punch some dude high onto a hill. Later, I create a hat-hanging system based on the death dates of Three's Company actors, then have to scramble to hide fat-girl porn from my entering grandma.
From Slugger To Slut (January 20, 2020)
Shortly after local radio host Bonta Hill shows me how to steal a Subway sandwich, I find myself in a parlor with the great Mark McGwire. He starts off giving me a massage and cutting my hair, then for some reason we start making out. At that point he's preparing to mount me but I won't allow it—though I do permit oral pleasure. The result? Two thick, solid, baby turd-like orgasms. If you're troubled, just know that I am too.
Skip to my aunt's former apartment, which I'm looking after with Josie. That is, until some random woman enters who we'll call Sheila. Neither one of us acknowledge the other; at this point I realize we're in the wrong apartment and split...but not before thanking Sheila for not shooting us.
As I'm gathering our belongings outside, someone steals my car. Next thing I know Josie is behind the wheel of a parked FedEx truck with many packages missing. The car thief returns to the truck—his story is fishy, and with help from two cops I arrest him for stealing the packages as well as my car. It turns out the packages contained cookies, and Mr. Thief had two accomplices who are also arrested. "These COOKIES were worth going to prison?" I ask him. He will only confess to Josie, which I won't allow. So he breaks free and steals my car again. Oh, joy.
Finally, I am at my buddy's high school reunion, playing the drums on Talking Heads' "Burning Down The House". It gets real quiet suddenly and a guard orders me to stop. He might have kicked me out too, but I awakened before resolution.
DON'T Scare Me Like That! (January 19, 2020)
Estelle Costanza from Seinfeld is in my care for some reason, and has to use the bathroom in her care home. We trek...and trek...to the nearest bathroom; another woman exits and says "Somebody DIED in there!" As I'm preparing to figure out what to tell Estelle's son George, Estelle weakly exits—turns out somebody else died in the john. HOORAY!
Love IS A Wonderful Thing (January 11-18, 2020)
Let's see...I'm put in charge of a special kid named Draymond whose video games got lost, at my buddy's fat girl pool party the A-Team is taken captive by drug dealers, my entire family lies on the 1250 kitchen floor for no reason, ex-MLB outfielder Aaron Rowand chases an opponent for pointing to the outfield, a pharmacy clerk magically knows my total before I even identify myself, and Josie discusses a science project with Melissa Fumero shortly after I jam to a Michael Bolton song in Target.
Some Consideration For The Drowsy? (January 10, 2020)
Things begin with me playing outfield for the Minnesota Twins...sort of. I'm actually stationed in some folded-up bleachers along the left field line, yet I still manage to make a couple of catches and (terrible) left-handed throws. Then a teen boy sidles up and tries to smooch me; I don't think I've ever been happier for a skip.
Said skip takes me to the INV home of my boy Chicken; I am staying there for the night and trying to sleep. But his roommate enters and changes his cat's diaper on my legs.
Continuing the athletic theme, I find myself in a football game next; my teammate is taking a short pass all the way to the end zone, and even though he could use a blocker, I just lay on the ground and watch. Sure enough, a defender forces a fumble.
Luckily, the defender is an idiot, because after he recovers the fumble he attempts to throw it all the way to the line of scrimmage—I intercept the ball and cover it with all my might as opponents trash-talk me for my previous laziness.
A Heavenly Pit Stop (January 9, 2020)
Me and a number of other people are gathered in a classy nightclub to take some sort of unspecified class. No instructor shows, but luckily Prince is there to play "Purple Rain" on the piano for the masses...I am awed by his talent. He goes, and we're all left there wondering where the entertainment will now come from.
Turns out "Bonnie Raitt" is in the audience as well, and after some prodding, she performs her hit "Come To Me" for the group. Still no instructor, yet nobody's leaving, so I and some heavyset bearded guy take turns reading from a hardcover romance novel.
Skip to the 1250, where I pitch to MLB legend Gary Sheffield inside my old bedroom. Despite the pitch coming in on a bounce, and despite only being part-sober, Sheffield cracks a hard single out of the room and into oblivion.
Frightening Happiness (January 7, 2020)
I'm watching a fairly entertaining Golden State Warriors game in which long ago ex-Warriors Chris Mullin and Charles Jenkins are starring.
But then somebody gets mad and all 10 on-court players end up tangled in a pile nobody seems able to extract themselves from. After waiting...and waiting...and waiting for the game to resume, I change the channel to some twin girls who have a disease which makes their smiles way too big.
Lastly, I parade around a little kid who thinks ice cream grows in gardens.
Shooting Skillz (January 3, 2020)
A heap of visions tonight, beginning with me as a member of the Chicago, P.D. team. As my colleagues just stand around indecisively, I empty a round into a suspect who wasn't really doing much of anything. Still, the public and my team laud me as a hero; even Internal Affairs only pretends to be displeased.
Next, I meet the actress Khandi Alexander (NewsRadio, CSI Miami). As a big NewsRadio fan, I'm very pleased to meet her. She seems to want to be pretty much anywhere else.
Skip to Safeway; I'm checking out when suddenly I'm naked from the waist down. A sweater goes around my waist, (barely) covering up the worst as I return to the checkout twice more for forgotten items.
Lastly, it's Final Jeopardy; the answer is a solid paragraph on the history of baked potatoes, but the question is Oakland A's Thunderstix.
30-Second Unemployment. (January 2, 2020)
Tonight, it's my recurring Night Vision—I work at Taco Bell (as I did 17 years ago), am doing okay for a while, but eventually get overwhelmed by all the menu changes, quit, strip, and storm out of the restaurant naked.
This time, however, someone is waiting for me outback, a Dr. Dre type loitering by the dumpster. He physically corrals me and directs me back to the restaurant to get my clothes, then declares I'm going to be his weed delivery driver going forward. Joy to the world.
Next, it's a Night Vision within a Night Vision—I'm writing the vision down, which is Homer Simpson and I posing for a photo prior to committing a crime. The photo shows Homer and I above, and four separate mes sitting in an airplane below.