Night Visions, January 2022
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
I Had A WHAT In Middle School? (January 31, 2022)
As teenage me walks home from my old middle school, some jerk dumps a can of trash on me. I choose to keep walking, and spot my daughter Josie walking with my IRL former classmate, Pagona, who is also still a teen. This obviously confuses me due to the timeline, but I eventually reach the 1250 (Josie presumably turned off to Pagona's house).
There, some more girls stop by looking for Josie, but when they learn she's away, one simply tumbles backward down the large staircase. I'm not too concerned.
Later, after going to court with soap actor Ingo Rademacher over ABC's vaccine mandate (and battling Jack McCoy from Law & Order), I end up in some office building to meet Charles Barkley. He exits his office, briefly shoots the s--- with me in the hall, then guides me to a group therapy room and splits. Hint hint, Skillz.
Five Overgrown Toddlers (January 27, 2022)
We begin with me at the DMV...at approximately 5am. It's just me and the clerk in the building, and when she steps out from behind the counter for a moment, I'm overwhelmed with a sense of sympathy for her work situation and all but yearn to give her a huge hug. But fearing some type of retribution, I keep my distance.
Peering through the blinds, I see the sun beginning to rise and what looks like about a hundred cars/motorcycles in the parking lot, some revving their engines. Before I can even consider a next move, the vision skips...
...to me reading a newspaper review of the pony episode of Seinfeld. There is coverage of the actress who played the pony owner; apparently she used to be on Sesame Street and has a literal beak instead of a nose. At that point I stop reading and enter "my" apartment, which is actually Jerry's apartment from the show.
Inside is former NBA coach Don Nelson, who is trying to discreetly shoo me out. It takes me a couple of moments but I finally figure out he's crapped himself and needs to change. So I leave the room and when I return, Jerry, Elaine, George and Frank have joined Nelson for a meal, spilling copious amounts of macaroni throughout the apartment (which I clean up).
And They Clocked That How?? (January 26, 2022)
I'm at the 1250 playing a little baseball with my boy Dhillo in a narrow hallway. Eventually we finish and I watch a documentary about the sport's all-time hardest throwers. Topping the list is...a female former slave who apparently threw a shot put at 117 MPH in the 1800's. Not exactly who or what I expected.
The vision ends with me attempting to pick up Josie but having difficulty since every last contact in my phone has been edited to names and numbers I do not recognize (including that of the shot put gal, for Christ sake). But eventually I happen upon Josie and her mom driving somewhere and all is well.
Throw The Damn Tails OUT!! (January 24, 2022)
I have a "date" with a young Asian gal who is willing to do "anything" for me in bed. I suggest a particular outfit, and while she leaves to get it, I manage to spill some red substance all over my foot. My "date" sees this, assumes it's blood, and will not continue our fun. Making matters worse, I get up to get some shrimp from a pan...but there's only discarded tails. FML
That's Ironclad Proof (January 23, 2022)
One Life To Live is being rebooted after a decade, and a few of the actors have gathered with me at a park. San Francisco sports talk radio host Daryle "The Guru" Johnson arrives and doesn't understand what's going on, and I end up telling him storylines from the show rather than introducing him to anyone.
Next, I hoop with some young adults, one of whom claims to be former NBA star Carlos Boozer. He does match Boozer facially but is at least a foot shorter; I gently question the discrepancy and "Boozer" responds with a 15-foot jumper—staring me down as if to say "could anybody do that besides Carlos Boozer???"
Why Are They Even IN Washington? (January 20, 2022)
It's a Law & Order: SVU movie extravaganza, which begins with Novak and her unnamed best friend trapped in a White House that's rigged to explode. Novak refuses to even attempt an escape with her friend based on some silly principle and is presumably blown to bits minutes later.
After a nighttime scene with Benson and Stabler just standing around looking puzzled while cops, etc. race all over the area around them, we cut to the morning, with Benson, Fin, Rollins and Carisi still in D.C. eager to avenge Novak's supposed death. As the group charges inside some giant important-looking building. Carisi goes down for no reason and the others continue inside without him. Only later do they notice he's not there, but when they re-trace their steps, he's predictably vanished.
Now worried about their ex-colleague, Fin questions a group of Spanish-speakers on a hospital roof, but all they want to do is party. As Fin exits in frustration, he bumps into...Carisi, posing as a hospital worker. "Don't do that again or I'll have you disbarred!" Fin warns.
The team re-assembles and gives Carisi some type of automatic weapon as they enter another building. Carisi the ex-cop has forgotten how to properly load and cock it until Cragen mysteriously appears and does it FOR him. The vision ends with Stabler and Benson standing around looking puzzled again...but this time in the sunlight.
Not Likely They'd Accept Mo's Help (January 18, 2022)
I'm in high school, trying to fill younger students' heads with wisdom. Such as when George Washington and (former Yankees pitcher) Mariano Rivera led the American Revolution. I go on for a while until everyone ignores me.
Is It Because I'm Brown?! (January 16, 2022)
I'm Scooby-Doo, but the gang has turned on me for some reason. As I meander sadly through some mall, I become me again and sit down at a performance with several attractive females around. However, within seconds of my buddy Dan appearing in the back, the females all flock to him, literally climbing over me to get to him...ugh.
I'm ALREADY Facing Jail, Kid (January 15, 2022)
Outside the 1250, some teen punks are assaulting what looks like a slightly younger kid. I beat the punks up and send them on their way, and the victim responds by sort of attempting gay stuff with me. "Don't make me sorry I saved you!" I bellow.
That Is One Pointy Nose (January 12, 2022)
I find myself in some type of dystopic wasteland, where at least one guy is somehow stabbing another guy with his face and men are chasing boys with God knows what in mind. I slowly make my way across the smoky, filthy area to a baseball diamond; after hitting the ball, I can't see first base and wind up running for a comically long time before giving up.
Let It Be A Prank...Let It Be A Prank... (January 7, 2022)
It's a brunch with me, Jenna Fischer, and some dude who I think is a colleague. Fischer is charming, funny and beautiful, and before long I am smitten. Problem is, the other dude has a leg up on me, so after a bit I make my exit rather than torment myself.
At the 1250, I busy myself crushing cans when Fischer arrives, saying "I know something's wrong. You can talk to me," except obviously I can't. She soon departs, and I watch from my window as a trashy woman intercepts her on the street and leads her behind an armored truck. But only the skank emerges back into view.
Concerned, I rush outside and find no sign of Fischer anywhere in or around the truck—but a souped-up sports car passes by twice with the shady driver making proclamations through a bullhorn. When it passes a third time, the driver has a gun out, so I pull my gun and shoot him until he drives away (was going for death, but Night Visions don't always cooperate).
It's at this point I KNOW something happened to Fischer, and despite access to unattended stacks of $$$ in the truck, I'm bummed times 1,000.
Just Plain Mad Now (January 6, 2022)
I'm at an outdoor dining area with Ira from Mad About You. He offers me a piece of his steak, but as I cut it, I start rambling to everyone about the deaths of three IRL buddies and end up eating the whole steak without realizing it. I quickly excuse myself as Ira glares at me as if to say "WTF?!"
If I Score, You Might Too! (January 5, 2022)
I'm playing baseball inside the 1250 as superstar Shohei Ohtani of the Angels. Somebody gets a hit and sends me to third base...but home plate is upstairs. During the next at-bat, I try to bribe my way to the plate by planting a smooch upon the middle-aged female umpire, but my plan fails.
Next, I'm me again, at a warehouse with late A's catcher/broadcasting legend Ray Fosse, who passed away in 2021 IRL. I try to explain to "Foss" how much I respected him, but my sobs unnerve him and he ambles away.
Do I LOOK Sad To You? (January 4, 2022)
While visiting my old pal Jenn, I strike out multiple Red Sox with apple pie as the ball. Then I show up for some class which turns out to be cancelled; as I depart and admire the leggy street crossers nearby, a 6'8" security guard ruins everything by "consoling" me with a hug.
Things end with awkwardness from Sheldon, Leonard and Penny from The Big Bang Theory—squeezed into a studio apartment, the latter two want to get busy but Sheldon refuses to leave since he's "studying".