Night Visions, July 2019
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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(Dates of awakening listed)
49 Years Bad Luck (July 31, 2019)
At the outset, I'm in a giant portable storage unit, rummaging through discarded mitts, shoes and most importantly: baseball magazines! Next thing I know, I'm down by a two-lane road with no sidewalk of shoulder, assisting a blind man across a row of stones since the busy road is not an option. I get him across safely, problem-free...until I misjudge a step and he falls face-first into a pile of discarded mirrors. Sorry, dude.
Hooking And Hooping (July 27, 2019)
After a round of hoops, old teammate Leland and I lie around scouring our old league website. He shows me the new porn section; women see it and determine I'm actually interested in women. One such gal offers to act out "my" rape fantasy for $, but I insist on regular consensual nooky.
Yet, as soon as she agrees and strips down to her undies, she regrets it because I just got through hooping. Even after I shower, she does everything she can to back out until I finally call it off.
Next, within seconds of entering a grocery store, I help an employee hold down a shoplifting suspect until a (tiny) cop arrives to cuff him to a vending machine. At this point I decide to not buy anything and just walk back out.
Didn't Get This Big By Sharing (July 21, 2019)
I'm a socially awkward Kevin James carrying a meat/cilantro mix of some sort. A flirty girl asks for a taste and I refuse.
Not Good At Being Dead (July 20, 2019)
I go from playing for the 49ers in the Super Bowl to watching it at home; there's serious fighting, including Josie throwing down with a young Darryl Strawberry. When the game ends, the mayor investigates all the fighting, leading to the cops fishing a corpse from the sewer. During the ensuing commotion, the corpse freaks out and runs off.
My response to all this? Peeing all over my counter, then using "page.com" to clean it up. Things end with a class being shown Ludacris and T-Pain videos, and being put down by the instructor for not knowing them from memory.
He Was Rock Hard (July 15, 2019)
I'm sent to a women's prison where Im asked to play Littlest Pet Shop by an inmate. Later I become a woman prisoner enraptured by the younger edition of The Rock in Star Wars (?) He plows me from behind and it hurts.
George Had GOTTEN UPSET (July 11, 2019)
For some unknown reason, George/Jason Alexander beats up the rest of his Seinfeld castmates. I sit on a stage catching home runs despite my view being obscured by the curtain. Friends uses a joke of mine in their show, leaving me giddy.
"Hey, Wanna See MY Hot Rod?" (July 6, 2019)
It's Home Improvement night at the ballpark, and I naturally come on to Patricia Richardson.
Soap character Cristian Vega is an artist, and I laugh at his silhouette drawing because it's so realistic (making me feel bad). Cris needs underwear to draw for some reason, and he sifts through laundry "Please don't be soiled, please don't be soiled..." I loan him a clean pair of mine which his GF Layla holds up. Me: "They're clean...and HUGE!"
The Dodgers Do Know Stink (July 4, 2019)
I'm in a locker room admiring Dodgers manager Tom Lasorda (shudder) and his managerial skillz when I find myself sitting naked chatting with ex-Dodger Bobby Bonilla. After a minute of this, I decide to add underwear but Bonilla is disgusted by the smell and asks me to put on a clean pair.
Watching The World Burn (July 3, 2019)
After driving my uncle around in my old Pontiac, I return to find it's 2000 and the apocalypse is underway—shootings and fires galore, and seven gay reporters have been killed. Whenever I call to Jesus for help, I immediately get dizzy. But I finally decide to die with my family and call to Jesus to end all pain and suffering. Nothing is resolved.
All Kinds Of Nuts (July 2, 2019)
After hanging around with a gay man, we smooch, though I warn him I'm straight and not to get his hopes up. Patricia Heaton teases me about having a girlfriend; I head to school.
Later, in the 1250 yard, a mannequin moves—she's realish and enters the house throwing dishes, with the condition that if I catch them with my feet, I get a smooch...except I do not catch them at all. My grandma scolds the mannequin as I work to take the blame for the mess.
During the cleanup, I ask the mannequin for help "WE HAD A DEAL." She seems nuts now, so I just rip her head off. Still animate, the pissed mannequin leaves, and I spot my old teammates Cav and Leland violently nutting on the sidewalk after seeing her. I quickly slam the door and overhear the two talk about a drowned teacher "That b---- didn't finish my paper!"