Night Visions, July 2020
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Skillz The Helpful Citizen (July 27, 2020)
We start with the infamous INV Friends episode in which three black youths are hired to paint the apartment, and hilarity ensues.
We finish with me catching two thieves acting as "with the P.D." I alert an actual cop on a lower floor; we ambush the suspects with gunfire and take them all down. No one questions why I have a gun, or why I thought it was okay to shoot people. Some girl is fiercely loyal to her "boo" and tries to seduce one of the cops, but is quickly seen through.
Then Get Your Own!!! (July 22, 2020)
My mom is needed at my old high school to counsel students, but according to her, "Daddy won't gimme no dolla" for bus fare to get there.
Next, I am a major league catcher, tagging out Giants star Pablo Sandoval despite literally having Giants manager Gabe Kapler on my back trying to stop me.
Get Out Of Oakland, KJ (July 20, 2020)
At the beginning, I'm at some upscale lobby where I daily hang out with a group that includes former IRL friend Tammy. But her constant weeping drives me from the group and the next thing I know, I'm Madea's assistant. At the outdoor table she sits at is poo; as she rants about no one cleaning it up she's yelled at from above. Me: "I'm not paid to help her be a bitch" after she storms off to confront the yeller.
(It's later revealed a baby left the poo.)
Next, I take "CalTrain" to Oakland Arena and am given a tour. I spot former Golden State Warrior Baron Davis and say "I bet you could STILL blow past half these fools!" He ignores me.
As I exit the tour, there is former Suns star Kevin Johnson in full uniform, posing sexy. I also pass a crew of tall people the Warriors hired to run around for some reason.
The Least-Safe Event Ever (July 18, 2020)
I'm driving an 18-wheeler to some event, and somehow run over just a woman's feet. Later, the trailer explodes close to the event, and an ambulance responding crashes into a tow truck right in front of me.
I Would Win, Anyway (July 16, 2020)
I'm participating in a Korean buffet challenge with Ryan Seacrest; he's pushy and rude and finally withdraws. Then I turn into hoops legend Bill Russell, apologizing to fellow hoops legend Wilt Chamberlain for not speaking to him. He doesn't care.
Don't Interrupt Bitch Time (July 14, 2020)
I hog the john at some office, and the receptionist can't use it obviously. For some reason the boss is upset with her but I stick up for her, and am "rewarded" with a butt joke. The boss then gives me an important (NFL legend) Terrell Owens file; I try calling Owens but he's "with his bitch right now."
What? It's Hot! (July 9, 2020)
At some bar in a desolate area, a waitress is being hit on. She leaves just as I decide to leave, so I have to take an extra-careful route to ensure I do not look like a stalker. Once safely away from the bar, I call Uber, but the first car crashes full-speed into a hydrant and the second car pulls up just as I discover my pants are down.
I Know What'll Fix It! (July 5, 2020)
I compete with actress Leven Rambin at a trucking job. After crashing mine, I don't know what to do so I just smooch Rambin.
Do I Get To Participate, Too? (July 4, 2020)
Just radio host Rick Tittle suggesting a three-way with my INV wife, followed by my mom and I dancing to an old Wham! song.
She's Baaack! (July 3, 2020)
One minute I'm watching a Roseanne movie saturated with The Cars music, the next I'm walking on an expressway with Kirstie Alley, who's then thrown over the side of a hotel escalator (but lives).