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Night Visions, July 2022

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 



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Night Visions Hall Of Fame



(Dates of awakening listed)

Now You're Screwed!! (July 30, 2022)

There I am, at a shopping center with my buddy and his family. We order food and I am summoned away by some staffer—apparently I'm needed to pitch in a nearby baseball game. So I enter the game, as a lefty for some reason, and strike out a drag queen with a couple of nasty lefty screwballs. 

I'm not capable of making up stuff like this, people...\

OOOOO, You Kissed And Told (July 25, 2022)

This long and complicated set of visions includes the following scenes...

  • Me painting lines in a parking lot by pouring paint from a can rather than spraying it,

  • Me in a Will & Grace "cast reunion" at an airport, where I step away and shoot the breeze with NBA star Andrew Wiggins,

  • A strange scene with a hitwoman firing at three people...but not realizing they're behind a locked door,

  • Me having not-so-good nooky with an old friend, then watching a black-and-white video featuring two men sharing their own past disappointments with her before the room they're in suddenly tilts and sends them sprawling,

  • Me and some boy guessing the Top 200 Florida/Miami Marlins of all-time, with no specific criteria whatsoever, and

  • Actress Carolyn Hennesy, 60, throwing the winning touchdown pass for my 49ers.

We Suck At Seduction (July 24, 2022)

Me and buddies Aldo and Nate arrive at the home of KTVU news personality Julie Haener, who Aldo is trying to woo. In the end, however, all we end up doing is giving her INV husband home repair stuff. We leave without even so much as meeting Julie...

I "Hoop" You Forgive Me (July 23, 2022)

Inside Best Buy, I start to pick a fight with an employee who I find annoying...until realizing he is former Golden State Warrior Ekpe Udoh.

Charlie, Stop Scratching!! (July 18, 2022)

I attend a seminar with Charlie Sheen, one which begins with the host forcing all of us to walk outside in circles "until (she) sees all of (our) backs!" Once that's over, we enter the building and Sheen is soon ejected for unknown reasons. 

After some rambling by the host, I realize the people at the opposite table are the exact doubles of everyone at my table (including the ejected Sheen). Upon closer inspection, we learn those "people" are actually dogs with our likenesses CGI'd over them—explaining their odd movements and sounds. There is no obvious benefit for our CGI doubles, and no explanation; eventually the seminar ends and I rejoin Sheen, who's waiting patiently for me in his truck.

You Listen Here, Corleone...(July 17, 2022)

At some bank, Kevin Hart is jailed. I demand his release, which is granted even after my paperwork falls in a urine-filled sink. DL Hughley, witnessing my actions, gives me props.

Skip to me at the home of my Spanish INV neighbor, who asks me for help with pasta preparation. I agree and soon present it to two mobsters who are dining there.

The mobsters are not polite to either of us until I deliver a short, angry speech vowing to f--- them both up if their attitudes don't improve. Wisely, their attitudes improve.

You Owe Me, Hulk (July 15, 2022)

After a scene featuring me walking through several (supposedly) restricted areas of a hospital with no one caring, things shift to the 1250 where my late uncle is attempting to fill a waterbed massager in my bedroom. Water gets everywhere; I get frustrated and storm away.

I turn up at our local grocery store, where my buddy Juan now works. A trio of middle-aged gals kindly transport me and my heavy purchase to some random street corner; I smooch all three of them in gratitude before stepping out.

In the streets, gunfire emerges, but I'm nonchalant until I spot my cousin Rico fleeing from the danger. I run towards where I think the gunfire is coming from and end up playing cards with Method Man and a few of his homies right there in the road—going out of my way to make sure I don't defeat anyone. Things end with me allowing myself to be body-slammed by Hulk Hogan in front of spectators outside of some shop—it's apparently a big deal for a man his age to drop a man my size.

Somebody Built It, And They Came (July 8, 2022)

In my childhood bedroom, baseball legends (and non-legends) have gathered for a game. I ask one opposing player a question and get no response; I repeat the question and again get no response. I assume he's deaf/mute until late ex-Yankees catcher Thurman Munson informs me the guy isn't responding because he's Canadian. I'm not sure if Munson is serious, but I'm also afraid of him, so I step away from both men and take the mound.

There, I dominate with my fastball and even snap off a couple of sliders that make Munson—a pretty good hitter—look bad. Then I switch to the outfield and snag three liners, including two barehanded. Again, this is all happening in my 10 x 10 (at best) childhood bedroom. 

The vision ends before the game does, so we'll never know if my pitching efforts contributed to a victory.

A Man Of Many Skillz (July 6, 2022)

There I am at Target, cutting my own hair near some elevators. A few kids show up and their play distracts me greatly...until local radio host Damon Bruce shows up and shoos them away. Not only that, he then takes over my haircut AND hires me to work graveyards at his INV warehouse!

The fun ends, however, when I take a quick warehouse break to rest my ailing back; Bruce delivers a stern lecture about sitting on the job. Oh, well, I guess no one can be perfect even in dreams.

I Don't Want Him KILLED, Dr. Romano (July 3, 2022)

My family and I now share the (refurbished) 1250 with a gubernatorial candidate and his family. At a huge fundraiser, my Wii disappears and I suspect the candidate's punk son, but before I can confront him, his staff pulls me aside for some promotional purposes. They treat me great and all is well UNTIL they learn I already voted for his opponent. Out I go.

After that, guests at the event begin to die one-by-one, including our nanny (it's not explained why we need a nanny). But I get the last laugh when the candidate himself turns up dead. We find this out when one of his young kids draws pictures of everyone around and his dad is blue-faced.

Skip to me in the ER breakroom. I say "Have a good night, Dr. Benton", but he hears it as "Want to fight, Dr. Benton?" He then comes after me with a fury until someone intervenes. Down the hall, Drs. Romano, Greene and Weaver are seen discussing Benton's penalty, with Romano being especially animated while talking. 

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