Night Visions, June 2020
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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(Dates of awakening listed)
Plumbing And Taxi Services (June 30, 2020)
Garcia from Criminal Minds smooches Gibbs from NCIS and then drowns some skank who calls her fat. Somehow I end up in the cover-up.
Next, after buying some baseball cards at my old middle school, Roto-Rooter gives me a ride home. (?)
That's followed by a hoop game vs. LeBron James; I actually outrebound the 6'8" beast but can't make a two-foot putback in seven tries, nor can I dribble at all.
Oh, Bother (June 29, 2020)
Nothing much, just playing with Winnie The Pooh action figures with Josie in the 1250 driveway.
Don't Let Me Stop You! (June 28, 2020)
It's One Life To Live stuff; one scene includes a sexually frustrated Tea's plan for nooky with Todd thwarted (Tea: "I was SO CLOSE to being naked with my boobies out!!")
What Is This, Rush Hour 4? (June 27, 2020)
I'm held captive at a mall by an Asian gang. Eventually I steal a gun from the distracted Chris Tucker, but can't get it to work.
It Wasn't Batman's Butler (June 24, 2020)
"Alfred", whoever the hell that is, shows up at the 1250 in the middle of the night. Without prompt, he combs and brushes my hair.
On Break From Emergencies (June 23, 2020)
At the 1250 is a guy with a gun. I somehow get the gun from him and try asking my aunt to call 911, but she claims to be "on vacation". I have difficulties calling myself and by the time I do, the would-be gunman has booked it.
Don't Drown On My Time (June 22, 2020)
I leave my own graduation, then accidentally drive off a bridge when catching sight of my estranged dad. I'm told to stay in the car, as my buddy Nate is working on a house sale and cannot rescue me at the moment.
Dennis Haysbert, Is That You?? (June 21, 2020)
There's a sad Mama's Family scene with Thelma selling her favorite books to make an extra $100 needed to house Vint and Naomi.
Next, I use a half-cut credit card at a gas station. A deep-voiced cashier assures me "There is no signature on this card...your data is safe."
Skip to me joining the Toronto Raptors after eerie persuasion by suits who know stuff about me. They also acquire Klay Thompson from the Golden State Warriors, and a couple others. There's much hype and pomp at the new arena but our play is shaky. Our coach pulls me aside; he's concerned about "the girls" attacking my moobs. I do "make" two shots, which are automated because the rim is missing.
Junk And Pee On The Ground (June 20, 2020)
I'm driving through Napa, CA and reach an intersection blocked by a pile of junk. I help myself to a surge protector and move along.
Skip to a weird scene where ABC soap characters Viki Lord and Bobbie Spencer are giving Luke Spencer and Scott Baldwin CPR; both ladies wet the floor in the process.
Where's The Cart?? (June 19, 2020)
Over Shaquille O'Neal's objection, I take a flat basketball from a gym. Then I take a class with current friend Jenn, old friend Mark, and one of Josie's troopmates, who gives me a hunk of garlic bread. But when the teacher calls me "Mr. Epps", I head to the office to fix the error, even holding the door for a girl lugging a giant TV.
You Need To Wash These, Ma'am (June 17, 2020)
I'm playing football in the library; I block some girl, but "I can't block her from two feet away!" after the center/quarterback waits forever to snap the ball. Then someone gets hurt and we all look up injury books; Josie swipes mine.
Next, at an NBA game, some dude looking for "Mike Diaz" sits right on my notebook, earning a rebuke from me.
Finally, I'm in a motorcade and later walking with President Trump to George Floyd's funeral. Trump talks mostly about buildings; I somehow manage to extract a sweaty Melania's panties in the back of a vehicle. She's only mildly perturbed.
First, The 1991 Finals. Now This (June 15, 2020)
The Bold And The Beautiful character Wyatt is believed to be gay, so some idiots assault him with spaghetti in the boys locker room. (In shock, I do nothing except get his keys back.) Then I'm told I'm allowed locker room entry because I'm "straight as an arrow". Lucky me.
Skip to Scottie Pippen pranking Magic Johnson by pulling him in water during a '70's-themed newscast.
Am I That Bad? (June 13, 2020)
For some reason, I'm dancing at a pizzeria while my food is prepped; a staffer is prepared to spray me if I don't stop.
Maybe He'll Slip...(June 11, 2020)
After accidentally frying broccoli, some loser pukes gallons onto the floor, which I fall in. Later, I'm doing armed courier work and attempt to shoot a robber...but my gun only has water.
Just Take Your Tip And Go!! (June 10, 2020)
At my buddy's house, Josie knocks pizza onto the floor. So we order more, but the deliveryman won't shut up and can't be understood.
Outside Wal-Mart, a couple fights, and the guy takes off on roller skates. Despite my best efforts to escape, I wind up consoling the girl, who "needs a friend".
After some more weirdness, I hit a game-winning single off Hall-of-Fame pitcher Dennis Eckersley while using a god-awful bat.
What A Compliment (June 7, 2020)
It's an argument at the 1250. My mom believes me, my grandma doesn't, so I fling a box of Pepsi down the steps with the plan for grandma to clean it up. Instead, she tries tackling me in an effort to escape.
Next, after much planning, I'm set to drive my cousins to Long John Silver's an hour away...but find the car missing an entire wheel.
Things end with a soap scene; one character tells his wife she "looks nice for the sixth time in 35 years". And means it.
She's Real Nice (June 3, 2020)
I'm a counselor for black youths but none of them will listen to me, so I fly home using the San Francisco Bay Bridge as a runway. Next thing I know I'm at my old buddy's house repeatedly smooching his mom.
Stay Away From The Mystery Spot, Guys (June 2, 2020)
I'm trying to organize a softball game, but wind up with a list of major leaguers at the 1250. This includes Bryce Harper, who arrives with a can of RockStar up to his waist. Then a bear shows up and after some light destruction, I decapitate him with a sawed-off bat.
Next is a scene of the NFL's Dan Marino throwing three touchdown passes in the final minute, including three balls on one play.