A 2,500% Pay Cut? YAY!!! (June 27-29, 2021)

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Nearly an entire night is devoted to Fin from Law & Order: SVU; we run the gamut of Fin announcing his retirement to Fin chasing criminals through dark buildings to, finally, Fin suddenly dying during a scene and his castmates unsure if it's scripted or not. I also find time to get my IRL bud B.J., who's a force in the virtual reality gaming world, a job driving cabs for my old boss—for some reason we're BOTH ecstatic over this development.

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Lastly, I watch a documentary on President Kennedy's brain and its possible whereabouts; Robert F. Kennedy returns from the dead in order to participate but is woefully unhelpful.

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Do I Even Want To Know?? (June 25, 2021)

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We start with me playing MLB: The Show. I'm some lefty pitcher facing dangerous Yankees masher Giancarlo Stanton. I get a 1-2 count on Stanton, and have him set up beautifully for a low fastball. I'm totally confident. This strikeout is mine. All I gotta do is execute the pitch.

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I aim my pitch over the plate, mid-shin level.

My pitch comes in over the plate, a bit above knee-level.

Stanton sends my pitch very, very, very far out of the ballpark.

ME: "%*&#@%*&#@%*&#@%*&#@%*&#@%*&#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Next, I'm riding a bus through Vallejo, CA. Without warning the bus swerves sharply left and winds up on somebody's porch. While other passengers don't seem to care or even notice what's just happened, I race to the front, expecting the driver to be unconscious (or worse). But instead, I discover the very alert driver's right foot caught in some bizarre strap contraption near the dash. Though there's many questions to be asked, I just untangle the foot and return to my seat for some reason.

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Undone Death And Wasted Breath (June 22, 2021)

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Inside some poorly-lit mansion, I am minding my own business when I stumble upon a One Life To Live reunion banquet with dozens of former actors in attendance. Stunned I didn't already know about this, I make my way through the massive room until reaching a table with late Golden Girls stars Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty and Rue McClanahan (none of whom, to my knowledge, were ever on OLTL). As Getty goes into a rant, we skip to...

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...a local convenience store, where some teen loser asks me to buy his candy, etc. At first I refuse, but when he doesn't give me any attitude, I decide to hook him up after all. This is followed by me explaining my actions to the young man, hoping to impart a life lesson. But rather than be moved in any way, he just takes his haul and slinks off.

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Go Away!!! (June 20, 2021)

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Things begin with me in high school. I ask the teacher something, and when she totally and repeatedly ignores my question, I have a total meltdown complete with spasms and muttering until being asked to leave.

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My next stop: the dozen hoop courts at my old middle school. IRL bud Raff and a couple others intend to shoot around, but out of nowhere, every court is filled up and we're forced to bail. A while later we return to totally empty courts, but just as we entertain hopes of finally playing, BOOM! They're all unavailable again. "GOD DAMNIT!" I yell; one dude tries to take offense but quickly thinks better of it.

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Three's Company And A Troubling Threesome (June 14, 2021)

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Initially, it's Three's Company with Mr. Furley wanting Jack to coach him on talking to women (which makes no sense if you're familiar with the show). Me and the girls make Jack a surprise cheese burrito, and he responds by...running off. Skip to my buddy Fleazoe's barbecue; I pass over all of the meat to eat a slice of raw onion. 

 

Next, I'm an armed courier again, driving my vehicle directly into the bank lobby. The manager doesn't care; she just needs a box of quarters, which I do not have. After my partner/supervisor ignores my pleas to help this woman, I take matters into my own hands and head upstairs, hoping to find quarters there. (?)

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Upstairs, the bank manager strangles some other random female, throws her on a bed, then proceeds to get it on with a third female in that very bed. The two living women do the nasty as the non-living woman flops around, over, under and between them. No, I do not know what triggered this vision. Yes, I will seek the opinion of a mental health professional.

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Apollo Dies Again (June 13, 2021)

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As I enjoy a normal evening at home, there's a knock at the metal screen door—it's Carl Weathers. He angrily jams a knife through the screen and warns I'm next if I don't keep the "noise" down. I ask if we can just talk like men. Weathers: "Yeah, one man and one LITTLE GIRL!" He leaves.

A bit later, I sense him outside, open the door, and there he is about to start more trouble. This time I show no mercy and ground Weathers into literal dust on the sidewalk.

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Did You Bring Esther's Kibble? (June 8, 2021)

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It's me in a room full of Super Bowl icons; one of them, Dana Stubblefield, harshly questions how many Super Bowls I played in. Me: "I wrote about a couple!" He does not like my attempt at humor, though he does (sort of) accept my apology a few minutes later.

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Next, I find myself in my ex's apartment with a buddy and one of the Super Bowl icons, Kevin Greene (who is drunk). I grab a football and run outside, just to see if Greene will pursue me. He does, I elude him, and he winds up puking over the side of the building. I return to the apartment...and discover Greene was supposed to be delivering packages to the neighboring apartments.

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I decide to deliver them myself. At my first stop I interrupt a medical examiner discussing a woman's missing face with her widower. Then, at my second stop, I'm told the many seniors there "are already having lunch" followed by "wait. You're not from Petco?"

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Throughout the vision "Stranded" by Heart is heard, nearly moving me to nostalgic tears.

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Friends ONLY, Mr. Neal (June 7, 2021)

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I receive a promotion from local sports station 95.7 The Game, and my first assignment is teaming up with NFL legend Lorenzo Neal on a list of the 20 most influential New York Mets of all-time. After I add Darryl Strawberry to the list, Neal brings work to a halt in order to discuss "friendship".

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Next, my uncle and I attempt to sell about 100 music CD's to a thrift store, but I end up in a disagreement with some dude named "Roger" over absolutely nothing. Just as it turns physical, we skip to a baseball diamond, where I take hacks with my buddy Aldo and another buddy's teen daughter all over the field—until my favorite ball is lost and I pout.

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Don't Invite Me Next Time (June 6, 2021)

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Dr. Mondragon (of YouTube fame) and Lois Griffin (of Family Guy) host some fancy awards show; I muck things up by playing billiards while standing atop the table.

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I'm Clean Enough! (June 4, 2021)

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I'm on a getaway to some camp with other candidates for the open Boston Celtics head coaching job. All is well until we're expected to shower outside in the freezing cold; I refuse and "get even" by using toothpaste belonging to the host's kid.

Skip to me attending a book club, and later snuggling with, soap actress Kathy Brier. Which would be awesome IRL.

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Law, Order And Rest (June 2, 2021)

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Things begin with me IMPLORING Golden State Warriors legend Chris Mullin to keep local radio host Rick Tittle on the air, whatever it takes. Our conversation takes us outside the 1250, where some dude is hanging "dead" from the second-story porch...even though he continues to occasionally squirm.

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Next, I'm a postal worker with a colleague passed out in back of my vehicle. I make stops, then head to the 1250 and play 80's music for random celebrities, including "Another Day In Paradise" by Phil Collins. While this goes on, some of the celebs take turns throwing strikes to me in the hallway...with the notable exception of Jerry Orbach, who is too tired and sends me away as he lies on the floor.

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The celebs let me pick a song to play next; TOO excitedly, I choose "Hold My Hand" by Hootie & The Blowfish.