What Are You SMOKIN', Lady? (June 29, 2022)

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At a library, I help the manager look after two random kids: an age-5ish girl and a special-needs 3ish boy who at one point simply disappears. I eventually find him and all is well...until said manager catches me looking (at Simpsons books) in the kids section alone, which is a no-no. She asks me to leave and seems a bit surprised when I refuse to argue about it.

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Still, the next day, said manager and kids show up at the 1250, needing multiple fluids for her Camaro. For some reason I again agree to help—but after I show the kids my old backyard. However, what I don't realize is the 1250 has been sold and the new owner is obviously a bit surprised to see me just walk into what is now HIS backyard.

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We talk it out, and the owners let me browse the house for any old belongings I want (which are still there 10 years after my family vacated IRL). I find a list of recipes made with my late uncle and burst into sobs, embarrassing all present. End vision.

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Why The Hell Didn't I Just Bring It? (June 27, 2022)

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After a scene of me escaping the loony bin as dozens of staffers chase me, I end up parking my truck outside some large hotel and entering for some reason. When I return, my truck has been towed and a notice left behind for me. Some random Russian guy wants to see the notice and is so pushy about it that I nearly get physical with him. Eventually I just stand in the empty parking spot, unsuccessfully willing my truck back to me.

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Skip to me riding around the 707 on a bike with training wheels. Eventually "my" chiropractor requests I join him in his office, so I park the bike and half-bury a designer cup I was carrying near said bike. Despite checking on my items twice, on the third check I find the cup has indeed been stolen. I return up to the office to tell my doc the appointment's over, but he's already in a bed asleep.

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The vision ends with me packing items (which may or may not be mine) from the office while watching the newly-restored One Life To Live.

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Who Are You, Marge Simpson? DRIVE (June 25, 2022)

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After some cuddles and smooches with an old friend "Shannon", we skip to me on a Vallejo, CA. bus with local sports radio hosts Steiny, Guru and Dibs. Nothing is amiss until Dibs, who is driving, simply refuses to make a routine left turn even through green lights and a clear intersection. Eventually I angrily depart the bus and enter a nearby Safeway to buy Diet Pepsi, somehow exiting with regular Pepsi despite going out of my way to ensure that didn't happen.

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As I begin my walk to parts unknown, I see Dibs still has not moved the bus. Good thing Dennis Hopper hadn't messed with it...

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Was I Off To Buy CHIPS? (June 22, 2022)

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There is an emergency responder strike, which I'm present at for some reason. At one point one responder—not sure if he was a scab or not—decides to head toward a call. A striking responder does NOT like this at all, and I have to repeatedly physically separate the two men from coming to blows. At one point I get sick of this and throw one of them several feet. Then I give some love to Erik Estrada, who's sitting near the ongoings, and head off into the sunset.

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DON'T Always Bet On Black! (June 20, 2022)

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Old IRL classmate Amber is sitting around; we get to talking about her being exempt from our Pledge of Allegiance and she tries to convert me to her religion. When I deny being religious, her goons advance toward me.

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I evade them and escape what's now a war-like atmosphere. One of the young punks who tried to prevent my escape asks me to save him too. Initially, I refuse, but after a few beats I turn around and find three soldiers about to sexually assault him. I step in and behead two of the would-be attackers with a machete (including Wesley Snipes), and the young punk is actually grateful. End vision.

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You Mean No One CAUGHT Her?! (June 19, 2022)

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At some theater, former 95.7 The Game co-hosts Greg Papa and Bonta Hill squabble and I have to physically separate them. Soon after, a sobbing blonde opens fire on any black people she sees in the theatre, and when two black paramedics show up, she shoots them too—still sobbing. On the escape route to safety, I'm told horror stories of working with Papa by Hill and ex-major leaguer Nick Hundley, which is supposed to somehow explain the shooting. (?)

The next day, the blonde shooter tracks me down and shoves dirt in my mouth. Better than a bullet, I suppose.

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Skip to me at a CalTrain station; I'm set to take the train back home until remembering at the last minute that I drove there. I surge across the platform but it's crowded by dozens of San Francisco 49ers, past and present, prior to a game at nearby Levi's Stadium. I give Hall-of-Fame quarterback Steve Young a little dap and take the train for one stop to reach my car—which is parked on rocks and has a flat tire. Luckily, there is a tire shop disguised as a department store nearby, and I'm able to replace the tire.

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Some Friend YOU Are (June 18, 2022)

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At Alex's house, several gals are literally rolling around the floor; one of them is ready and willing to score with me! But Alex has to go to work and makes us all leave before anything happens...BOO.

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Um...Is This A Kidnapping? (June 17, 2022)

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I drive through a mall parking lot until my car suddenly takes a two-foot dip, causing the front left tire to flatten. I wait for AAA to tow me, bonding with several other randoms also waiting for whatever. When my tow arrives roughly an hour later, I actually end up hugging and crying with my new pals, even smooching one gal goodbye.

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The two truck, however, doesn't take the car, instead transporting me to the back of an airport. There, the truck uses a magnet to load folded-up planes (not the paper kind; folded-up metal) into some type of oversized flatbed truck. I'm so impressed with the whole thing I don't even bother asking why I'm there or when/if they're getting my car.

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The Dodgers Don't Pay Well, Evidently (June 15, 2022)

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Inside Toys R Us, I go from customer to default employee until MLB superstar Clayton Kershaw comes in as my 6pm relief. As I exit, kids begin to go wild, and a bag of stuff Josie planned to buy goes missing—including a hard-to-find Castle Grayskull book. I ask one of "my" colleagues if he's seen it, and he directs me to an area populated by some of the wild kids. I snap at them, retrieve Josie's stuff, and book it. Only now, after awakening, do I realize I never paid for it. Oh, well.

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From A Bad Word To A Sad Word (June 12, 2022)

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I'm taken by an autistic guy to a late-night grocery pickup, but an animal has us trapped in the car and he takes me back home empty-handed. There, I remember I was supposed to see the Jim Breuer comedy show around midnight, so I drive myself to the club. Inside, three INV female friends of my buddy Nate are under the influence; two argue with each other and one tries to charm me. As a favor to Nate, I taxi them all home, all the while terrified that they'll puke and/or pee in my car.

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The vision ends with a scene from Law & Order; in a large drain pipe a la The Fugitive, a mouthy young detective is being less than respectful to Van Buren. When she accuses Van Buren of saying a "bad word", the lieutenant calmly writes a note that reads "You're Fired" and shows it to her now-ex subordinate.

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An Hour To Dissolve Bones?! (June 10, 2022)

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A decked-out gal pal waits for suddenly-fit me at home, clearly wanting some fun...but I gently refuse to cross that line with her. Still, about an hour later, my INV roommate finds her fully submerged in the tub. I wrap a towel around her nude body out of respect and pull her out, but she's basically just dissolves into hair and glop. I DO NOT have this effect on women IRL, people.

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Now I REALLY Wanna Score! (June 8, 2022)

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As General Hospital mobster Jason Morgan, I defeat Steph Curry in hoops 32-21, even as three porn stars in a tub take over the final possession. Skip to me as me again, convincing my paranoid granny that the flashlights being shined in our windows are just food deliveries—a modern convenience she's not familiar with.

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Do I Get A Scholarship Now, America? (June 5, 2022)

 

Vladimir Putin and crew takes over a school campus. I immediately cooperate (i.e. kiss ass) and even shake Putin's hand. In turn, he soon lets me and one other captive go. Eventually I get a weapon and shoot down two Russian drones, which obviously angers my pal Putin. Before he can take me out, I manually remove missiles from his ship, light them like dynamite, and heave them towards the enemy. Fun times!

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And WHY Is He Not Locked Up? (June 3, 2022)

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It's Full House revisiting the INV reason Danny is a widower: apparently, he accidentally shot his wife to death on a beach. The entire episode is Danny reliving the scene and the trauma. How funny, ABC!

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Things end with me somehow allowing my pants and shirt to drop into the toilet I just peed in, and my ensuing efforts to clean up undetected.

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Geez, Lady, Try Some Xanax (June 2, 2022)

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Three people have been killed at some house. Law & Order senior detective Ray Ratto (IRL a Bay Area sports personality) finds the dead father's fillings in the possession of his (alive) adult son and uses pliers to extract them somehow. Once that's done, Ratto continues to use the pliers on the son to unearth more evidence of the son's murderous guilt. The scene eventually cuts to the home of the assistant DA, whose horseplay with two young ladies leads him to be smothered to death. Oh, well.

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Skip to my friend's seven-year-old daughter using profane language and getting beaten by her grandmother. Moments later I'm told the kid's grandfather has passed away and my friend is pissed that I somehow didn't know. "HOW DO I KNOW IF NOBODY FRIKKIN' TELLS ME?!"

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The final scene is the INV final episode of The Office; in the show—which features Nat from Beverly Hills 90210 as a janitor—the gang waits for a bus ride to a wedding. Jan rages...and rages...and rages to the point that when the bus arrives, everyone agrees to ditch her on the side of the road. 

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