Night Visions Main

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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Night Visions Hall Of Fame

 

 

(Dates of awakening listed)

Eschucha, Perro (April 16, 2021)

 

Not much from me, just a controversial comment from local radio host Ray Ratto and a friend of mine making a vain attempt to teach Spanish to my cousin's dog.

But from Chicken, our Drunk Jon co-creator: our circle of friends work at a company that is holding nominations for workplace awards. Of all things, I nominate Chicken for eating the most beef tacos in an airport. He is way more excited than he (or anyone) should be.

 

At Least I Tried (April 11, 2021)


Josie swims in an inflatable pool with a small brown dog, who soon goes under. I close my eyes and fish the dog out, only realizing after I've begun chest compressions that I've fished out a balloon dog. Eventually the pool is emptied and the original brown dog turns out to be a toy.

Next, I'm left stunned by the hideous legs of a delivery worker on the property, after which a report of Betty White's death turns up in the newspaper. (Upon awakening, it takes a while to realize White didn't actually bite it.)

Forget Cradle; She's A Womb-Robber (April 10, 2021)


I find my 47-year-old ex in bed with 20-year-old James Wiseman of the Golden State Warriors; my response is to apologize for everything I ever did wrong in our relationship while barely holding back tears. Next, after hiding from a nun at my INV neighbor's house, I Uber to Wal-Mart with my array of colorful lucky pens in hand.

But Dylan, Drugs Are Bad! (April 7, 2021)


It's Beverly Hills, 90210; after filming our scenes for the opening credits, me and the main cast begin shooting an episode. My character tries in vain to talk sense into the spiraling Dylan, while David decides to become the slapstick comedian of the group, falling down at every turn. Eventually shooting ends, and as I exit the studio I come across a large group of people in shock over some skateboarding dude fatally impaling himself sideways on a bench somehow.

Things end with me doing some type of school performance with the American flag and at least one of the Golden Girls in attendance.

Bodies On The Floor (April 5, 2021)

 

We begin with me as Dipper from the cartoon Gravity Falls; Mabel and I are tasked with saving the world from disaster as well as winning a baking contest. We're making progress on both fronts when we accidentally disturb former Oakland Athletics legend Dave Stewart; our apologies fall on angry, deaf ears. So we continue battling the evil Gideon's plan until he somehow snatches Mabel away. I later find a note telling me to attend a City Hall meeting at 5pm that evening if I want Mabel unharmed. Just as 5pm approaches...

...skip to the viewing of a woman in a coffin, and a toddler and dog on a grassy mat near the coffin. I'm disturbed by the display and GTFO without even finding out who the deceased are or what happened to them.

Things end with me being dropped off at a casino in San Francisco (?), where my buddy Juan is gambling with and losing to a bunch of strippers. I choose to not intervene.

Not Gonna Happen, Bob (April 3, 2021)


Warriors broadcaster Bob Fitzgerald and I are lying on top of a bed, watching and (kind of) calling a Warriors game. During a break, Fitz leans over and smooches me; I obviously resist and move across the room, comically watching the side of the TV just to keep distance from Fitz.

Skip to my old baseball league, which is having a Home Run Derby. I get 10 chances but cannot even manage a ball out of the infield; later on, as I play outfield for other contestants, a massive flash mob dressed in all white takes over the field briefly. Yells my leaguemate Rob: "Sorry ass flash mob. Don't you know who I am?!"

Things end with me physically restraining my visiting mom from confronting my downstairs neighbors over loud music at 4am. I'm ashamed because restraining a nearly 70-year-old woman is harder for me than it should be.