Night Visions Main
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Dad's Been Bad (January 24, 2021)
We begin with me running late for school, so I get the bright idea to trudge all the way there in a wheelchair to save time. Unfortunately for me, God invented raised curbs.
Next, I'm having surgery, but the medical staff makes me soak my feet before operating. (?)
This is followed by a skip to the 1250, where I wait outside for my father to arrive (passing time by playing with fake snow). When he shows up, an officer emerges from the porch to arrest him—apparently he did not-so-nice stuff to an old woman.
Finally, things end with a game of softball inside Big 5 Sporting Goods; Hank Aaron clobbers one and is about to score when he passes another baserunner (some disinterested woman) before reaching the plate...RIP.
Tear Down This Wall!!! (January 23, 2021)
Me, some friends, the Simpsons and the Flanders are on a camping trip, which is soon flooded out. A wall is quickly erected in the lake to stop the water, which would normally be a good thing, except it traps all of us on the other side. Marge Simpson is prompted to sing a song about despair.
Eventually we all are freed and quickly decide to terminate the trip. Ned Flanders leaves his grill and special toothpaste behind, but his whole family is sickeningly excited to return to the campgrounds for it. When we all return, a seminar is now being held in our cabin, but Ned does get his stuff.
As I return to the car, a woman shows her friends leg porn she obtained, then chases and tackles one of them for a street smooch.
He's A Popular Subject (January 22, 2021)
I am outside a Best Buy with my ex when former 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh passes by. My ex asks to borrow his cellphone and he obliges, though clearly not thrilled about it. Later, I'm led inside a popular shopping mall to discuss Harbaugh with a host of others, all of whom have a coffee in their hand at all times per INV mall rules.
Leaving the mall, I make my way to local radio station 95.7 The Game to discuss even more Harbaugh, but the host is too busy to put me on the air or even acknowledge my presence in any way. (Also, the Dallas Cowboys beat the Seattle Seahawks 35-16 in the Super Bowl.)
You Just Like Watching High School Girls? (January 16-20, 2021)
A few things which may or may not be worth mention:
Food trucks near my high school are out of RockStar and snacks, making me wonder why they're there at all. Then the school bus shows up at the 1250 to get washed by the less-than-attractive driver.
My INV neighbor simply walks in to check out damage to my walls; five random members of his posse invite themselves in as well and sniff around until I start ejecting people. When one refuses to leave, I graze his jeans with a steak knife.
I call radio host Rick Tittle's show; he magically appears next to me and deliberately causes feedback in my ear as a prank. This is followed by me drawing Drunk Jon on the ceiling while Michael Jackson's "Beat It" plays.
Watching some film with a random female in the theatre, before long everyone in the place is shushing everyone else to the point nothing can be heard. I take pride in being able to point out soap stars to my grandma.
Not Appropriate...But Not Inaccurate (January 15, 2021)
I'm in a dark parking lot, where NFL star Antonio Brown is kidnapping his own kids and making a getaway. Standing outside my car gets me tased by a responding officer...delightful. So I flip on sports talk radio where Brown's act is the topic; a caller is asked how do you "forget about" such an event. "Jack off!" the caller responds on-air. "That's not appropriate." responds the host. "This is a GUY'S show!" declares the caller.
Next, I'm at the 1250 trying to remove a rare bulb plant from a tree outside my mom's window, but Warriors sideline reporter Kerith Burke scolds me. Also, General Hospital character Luke Spencer is under arrest and warned not to call lawyers "slimy".
In Search Of: A House With A Toilet (January 13, 2021)
First, I read a real estate magazine and wet myself. Next, I'm watching an apparently new episode of Jay Leno's Headlines segment, which is followed by the regular Tonight Show now hosted by Stephen Colbert. Colbert hugs and grabs the ass of his young female guest, claiming to be "Just doing an underwear check." Said guest promptly greets Guest #1, also a young female, with a smooch—Guest #1 immediately declares herself to now be "gay AND lesbian!"
SHUT UP! (January 12, 2021)
As we leave Oracle Park after a game, Giants legend Barry Bonds does a brief-but-deliberate hand salute. I let him know that I intend to do my own hand salute from now on. He doesn't really care.
Next, I swing by Wendy's and take it to the 1250. But then I receive a call; turns out I left my Wendy's in my car and my old friend Heather is eating it. Outside I go, where I try to smooch Heather but have difficulty because she...won't...stop...talking. Eventually we go to my old middle school and join several others from various eras of my life for a game of basketball...but I never do get my Wendy's.
Lastly, I'm Joe Namath, helping a leggy blonde shop for salad ingredients and working very hard to not be at all creepy (as an inebriated Namath once was with Suzy Kolber). Ultimately, the woman gets a call—the salad is no longer needed. I quickly bid her goodbye and split.
Abe Being Honest (January 8, 2021)
I work at a law firm, and the venerable character Abe Carver from Days Of Our Lives is unhappy with perceived nepotism in my favor and walks out. I catch up to him, but all I can stammer out is "I respect you, Mr. Carver". He reacts by forcing me into a lobby to watch a Rickey Henderson special with a few others.
Before long, the special becomes a football game played on a race track, After multiple twisted ankles on the same play, I duck out, never to be seen again.
Ralph's Double (January 6, 2021)
It's a Three's Company movie, calling back to the famous IRL episode with Jack pretending to be his own twin brother to fool Mr. Furley. Here, it's Mr. Furley claiming to have a twin to fool everyone else—except it turns out he's telling the truth, and we're treated to both Furleys side-by-side through low-quality production trickery. Me: "That is some amazing film editing for those times!!"
More from the film: John Ritter is erroneously credited as "John DeWitt", during one scene Larry tries to smooch Jack for some reason, and a creep in a suit repeatedly kisses Janet's hands in an effort to ingratiate himself.
Click Here To Add Soap (January 5, 2021)
I arrive at the 1250 to find a man waiting there. He identifies himself as "Mr. Machines" and has an appointment with my mom, who never shows. So I decide to throw a party on the lawn with all my friends' kids wearing private school uniforms. Later, I attempt to teach my grandma how to use the computer, but she's so inept she somehow manages to activate the dishwasher with the mouse.
Lock It Up WHERE, Exactly? (January 3, 2021)
My bud Juan has moved; I park my motorcycle in his living room during my visit, which ends just before midnight. Hungry, I try to pick up a snack from 7-Eleven, but it is closed (?). So I try a nearby gas station, where I'm uncomfortable leaving my bike unattended. Security assures me he'll "lock it up", so I leave it with him and enter the store. Naturally, as you might imagine, neither guard nor bike are there when I exit—never, EVER trust strangers in a night vision.
Skip to the 1250; this time Juan is visiting me. Our buddy Nate arrives outside, but doesn't tell anyone he's there; I happen upon him standing by his car with two Starbucks in his hands. (Neither is for me, it turns out.) Me: "Why didn't you tell anybody you were here?" Nate: "I'm here!" We go inside and listen to ESPN's Marc Spears ramble on about nothing.
Just Keep Going...Just Keep Going...(January 2, 2021)
My buddy Ryan and I drive separate cars onto Highway 101 in the SF Bay Area. No sooner than we enter does another car try to make a left from the shoulder into wrong-way traffic—as you might expect, it is crashed into immediately and sent flying. Me to Ryan through our open windows: "That car flew like a baseball!"
We continue driving, not at all deterred by the first car we spot in a tree along the road...or the second car we spot in a tree along the road...or the second wrong-way driver we encounter.