Night Visions Main
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
That Was Rude, Jerry (February 13, 2020)
We start off with a young Jerry Seinfeld in a movie; apparently his character stepped out on his wife and is now getting divorced. The wife is taking the kids to live halfway across the country. Jerry sheepishly asks if he can still see the kids once in a while. The wife tersely agrees, then goes into a diatribe in which she explains the worst part of Jerry's affair was that he told her to shut up.
The moving company arrives; they are in a giant tow truck that is named and labeled "Michael Landon", exposing the film's age.
Skip to some beach. After The Situation is arrested and taken away, I sit with his date. The place becomes an auditorium with Elizabeth Berkeley seated near the front, and some fan asks her what her "real" first name is, plus a reminder of her "German" last name. Then some people way up high recognize me and I turn socially awkward, disappointing them.
Finally, my grandma gives me a hard time about my "buck teeth"; I remind her she has no teeth at all and shouldn't be talking.
Skillz Vs. Seniors (February 12, 2020)
It's NFL football, with me and Hall-of-Fame lineman Gene Upshaw vs. O.J. Simpson and others from their era. I try to run past Simpson and am failing miserably until Upshaw takes hold of me and powers me right through him (not unlike that Bart/Nelson scene from The Simpsons). In hindsight: this vision might not have been worth mention.
Ted's Dream Job (February 11, 2020)
I'm in 7-11 trying to buy raw chicken (?) when a woman races across an intersection to stop a speeder. After I depart the store, that same woman is being met by an ambulance. The moral of the story here: don't try to be Batman, people.
Next, the "Three's Company Comics" perform at a school; the performance is basically six attractive women piled up on top of each other with Ted Danson feeling them up. Later, I end up at the 1250, where music by "Super Bowl Winners" is playing on the radio—the songs are "Respect" by Aretha Franklin and "Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5, neither of whom have won a Super Bowl that I'm aware of.
First Down, Literally (February 7-9, 2020)
After crying with my grandma over All My Children, I view footage of an earthquake in which an elderly woman is stampeded and knocked down stairs by Super Bowl players; she seemingly dies as her wobbly husband takes an eternity to get downstairs himself. Later, I sign an autograph for a female named "Halyli".
He Just Looked So Peaceful (February 3, 2020)
DJ Khaled, fresh off his appearance in a Super Bowl ad, is revealed to be Josie's actual father. He immediately insists upon packing her lunch and driving her to school. I agree, provided I ride shotgun. Not surprisingly, Khaled falls asleep behind the wheel forcing me to half-mount him in order to control the brake and pedal. Rather than wake him, for some reason I just continue driving us all the way to school in this manner.
What Do Dragons Have To Cry About? (February 2, 2020)
Outside of a bus I'm riding are several crying kids. One turns out to be a baby rainbow dragon. Another is upset because he "loves Josie". Feeling pity, I insist Josie walk him inside his apartment building and hug him; she does, but then accidentally dangles him over the side of the stairwell (not unlike Michael Jackson) forcing heroic intervention from a stranger.
Now I Got One Less, One Less Problem (February 1, 2020)
I'm in an auditorium (or somewhere) performing along with Ariana Grande. For whatever reason I take over singing from her, and the crowd boos because my ass crack keeps showing despite my preventive efforts. I argue with smack talkers and show them the door, most notably calling one "YOU PIMPLE BITCH!!!"