Night Visions Main

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 



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Night Visions Hall Of Fame



(Dates of awakening listed)

Aw, Shoot (November 12, 2019)

My uncle offers an opinion on a thug, who decides (predictably) to pull a gun on him. I steal the thug's backup gun and attempt to pull the trigger but can't get it to work. "Your gun's broken!" We end up just pressing the barrel tips up against each other.

Next, I'm trying to secure a writing gig with a prestigious company, but they feel I'd do better as a backup quarterback for whatever team they cover. Before long I'm in the game, firing one incomplete, errant pass after another. Worse, they still won't let me write for them.

After briefly feeling up the legs of actress Melody Thomas Scott, I wind up on the 49ers watching somebody score a long touchdown. No one seems to care, however, so we all walk back to the sideline rather than high-five him. At that point, coach decides to take a team picture...which I want NO part of.

I calmly and quietly sneak away and head to my locker. The combination doesn't work so I simply rip the door off to find...two bath tissue rolls.

Way Off Target (November 8, 2019)

I come up with the brilliant idea for the Houston Astros to re-sign free agent pitcher Gerrit Cole for three years, $100 million. I run to tell my mama (?) but she will not break from her meeting with team executives to hear me out. So I call her sister (my aunt) to break her away, but said aunt proves unhelpful. It's at this point I realize I'm not being listened to because I am four years old.

So I switch to watching the Astros in the playoffs; their manager AJ Hinch plays, but accidentally injures superstar pitcher Justin Verlander with a slide. For the A's, Marcus Semien hits a grand slam and the crowd is allowed to chase him around the bases, much to his horror. Back to my true age, I decide to flee to Target, where I'm tasked with watching a couple of potential shoplifters while "we" staffers receive new uniforms.

I do as I'm told, and watch one woman enter a dressing room. Soap actress Melissa Ordway approaches me and loudly asks "Did you catch the shoplifters?" The dressing room gal overhears, of course, and isn't happy—it turns out the people I was watching are the ones responsible for bringing the new uniforms, and were being profiled as shoplifters by store management.

Skip to a hospital, where I and two others get stuck in an elevator partition just as it begins to move...fabulous.

The Gift Of...Glue? (November 5, 2019)

At the 1250, radio hosts Rob Williams and Arnie States (who are ex-partners) stow away in separate rooms trying to annoy each other with electric fans. it goes back and forth until Arnie puts a fan right on Rob's lap blowing in his face. I finally get fed up and play referee ordering them both to stop. As I retreat, my uncle presents me with an XMas Rolex, and my buddy Dave presents me with

Dave goes outside to bring the horse around front but somehow flips the cart over, seemingly killing it. I won't go near it out of fear it will rise up and kick me.

2009 Topps #116 Omar Infante, Braves