What IS White Boy Hair Stuff? (March 28-30, 2020)

​

At the 1250, I find out my family is low on funds, so I decide one of my old jobs still owes me money and head out to collect it. Next thing I know I'm driving around town in a 40-foot city bus, and surprisingly skilled at it! The mission ends when I pull up to a red light and some idiot falls off the roof of the bus; I have to swerve to avoid his splayed-out arm in the road.

​

Next, I'm trying to buy groceries but when my turn comes, I am simply deserted at the checkstand for several minutes. Then a cashier duo tries to rush my service, to the point they're ringing up my groceries as well as the person's behind me. "I don't use white boy hair stuff!" I declare with a forced grin.

​

Then we have a scene with Friends characters Chandler and Monica; their son Chester has been kidnapped, but luckily Chandler has the funds for ransom. Just as he's about to contact the bad guys, they call him—the demand has changed. Instead of cash, they want Chandler to "get them Mr. T". Chandler says he'll talk it over with Monica, but the nappers say the demand is not optional. Good thing Mr. T is still alive!!

Udderly Rude (March 25, 2020)

​

A machine is invented and tested at the 1250. What does it do? Evidently, once an item is connected to it, the machine can translate whatever the item says/does into a President Trump version.

 

In this example, a rocking horse is connected to the machine. The machine reads it as "I am a rocking horse. Kids like me." then translates that into the Trump version: "I am a cow. Do what I say!"

Byrd The Bai-Lift (March 20-24, 2020)

​

I watch an episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 with old friend "Bob", who "needs to relive the past". Later, a guy rips the roof off a taxi and drops it on George Costanza's car for no reason.

​

Warriors coach Steve Kerr gives me a ride somewhere; while he stops for coffee I try to fill up his gas tank but apparently do it wrong somehow and am not allowed to get my own coffee.

​

At my buddy Juan's place, the landlord warns us to not pour any more beer down the drain (?) as it is ruining the pipes. Also, his b---- babysitter just walks past me into the house without any acknowledgment, which pisses me off.

​

There's a Judge Judy case where instead of standing guard, Byrd just lugs suitcases up and down the stairs throughout the case. Also, I walk fearlessly past others into an empty bathroom, use it, and stare them down as I wash my hands...something to do with the virus.

​

Next, a moving truck is parked outside the 1250. I unload everything into the house, only to learn I was supposed to load everything out of the house. Cue stewing.

​

Lastly, I'm on a movie set with Josie, on board a bus to a voice acting lesson. We pass a very drunk man dancing provocatively at an uncomfortable male dancer, to all's amusement. Then my mom appears on the bus to tell me I'm "NOT BEING A FATHER".

​

(Looking back, little of this was worth mentioning, but I've already typed it so...)

​

What, Does One Of Us Have Cooties? (March 19, 2020)

​

I arrive at a chicken restaurant where the short staff is very busy. Some guy named Lamont gives me $5 to claim his chicken while he goes to the bathroom...but then fails to come out. KA-CHING! I just made $5!

Next, I'm in my old childhood bedroom, where there's somehow enough space for me to catch a touchdown pass from Cowboys legend Troy Aikman. I walk up to Aikman and shake his hand; for some reason he and both entire teams go eerily silent, as if I just violated some code.

​

Sure You Wanna Do That NOW, Mac? (March 17, 2020)

​

During what seems to be a high school lunch period, I leave my backpack in some bleachers and tour the area. I return to find it gone and one of my old armed courier managers, "T", present. He insists I listen to his advice since he's been married 20 years INV, and proceeds to warn me of the dangers of leaving backpacks unsupervised.

Just as I think he's finished, he continues on offering unsolicited marital advice and I'm finally forced to just walk off.

​

Later in the vision, I have a newborn son out of the blue, and use a shirt for his diaper as soap opera cop Mac Scorpio (General Hospital) loudly declares his intent to take over the world.

​

Gonna Dig The Grave, Too? (March 15, 2020)

​

It's The X-Files; Mulder and Scully perform somebody's autopsy, then prepare her for funeral presentation just to be nice. (I should note Windows 10 spellchecked "Scully" but not "Mulder".)

​

Discs R Us, Too (March 13, 2020)

​

The setup: I'm at Toys R Us with IRL pal Luke. The store, as I remember it, was connected to a Wal-Mart, grocery store and movie theater, but all are gone and sealed off. It's then that I learn Toys R Us itself is also shutting down at the end of the day—lines are very long.

​

So I scramble trying to find The A-Team DVD box set; miraculously, this TOY store actually has it, but as I get in line my wallet comes up missing. Still holding the merchandise, I go outside and catch my wallet thief dropping it and running away—a cop returns it to me minus the $100 that was inside.

​

I decide to just keep the DVD's since the store is closing, and Luke and I chill in his car practicing Texas accents for no reason.

​

From The Diamond To The Border (March 12, 2020)

​

Things begin with The A-Team; B.A. is held captive and tied up by a group of thugs led by an old football teammate jealous of B.A.'s apparent success on the gridiron. The lead thug stabs B.A. in both feet as Murdock sneaks away to get help. Fortunately, Hannibal and Face are returning from a grocery run outside; the vision skips before I witness resolution/retribution.

​

Next, I'm back working in a Taco Bell with a massive storage area; ex-Giants manager Bruce Bochy is now the restaurant manager, and all his instructions are baseball-themed.

​

Finally, it's a Los Angeles Lakers pregame warmup. Ex-Warrior Leandro Barbosa has left retirement to participate, and the Lakers' INV co-owner hurts herself trying to jump-shoot but can't explain it as she doesn't speak English.

​

At Least He Won't Be Cold (March 11, 2020)

​

I don't remember much of this, but according to my notes,  The Brady Bunch lives in a spooky house with a microwave that sucks up Bobby and a murderous black female hiding within the walls somewhere. Actor Cameron Mathison cusses live on WWE air, and two teens simulate sex in front of a six-year-old.

​

My Right To Remain Silent (March 10, 2020)

​

Set in or around the 1950's, I'm sticking up for a fellow black man who's being denied a fair opportunity at being hired. The manager asks me, "Do YOU want to go to jail?" My response: "No more words from me!" Hey, I can't defend my people from behind bars, can I?

​

Next, back in the present day, I walk from the 1250 to 7-Eleven and am joined by a nut who wants me to buy him a soda. I'm angry, and when another customer warns me to "be careful" near the drink machine as if I'm five, I blow up at him.

​

Finally, I'm celebrating Charles Barkley's birthday in Ohio, for some reason. We review his INV 360 dunk on Hakeem Olajuwon, I listen to him pee, regale him with praise and watch as he's group-weighed with a number of other unidentified dudes.

​

Ma'am, I'm Not REALLY An Adult (March 4, 2020)

​

15-year-old me goes up to my mom and declares I will now do what I want when I want and no one will stop me! (IRL, I'd have gotten a beating for this.) With that in mind, I take off down a dark pier in search of my car—despite my newfound hubris, a biker passes and I am terrified of impending doom.

​

Reaching the parking area with a fast-beating heart, I yell at two guys who appear to be doing unsolicited work on my car...but it turns out my car is two spaces over and they're fixing their own vehicle. Apologies all around, and more fear I'm about to be pounded.

​

I zoom to a hotel; on the way to the front desk a fifty-something gal walks alongside me so naturally, we smooch a little bit. Not concerned with my youth, she seems to want to go further, so I work to quickly book a room before she changes her mind. Unfortunately, killing the mood in multiple ways, the hotel staff makes me listen to a voicemail from my mom before they'll swipe my credit card.

​

Sir Charles Barfley (March 3, 2020)

​

It's a movie starring Law & Order: SVU's Kelli Giddish and Christopher Meloni. Behind the scenes, one of the actors—a street-tough type we'll call Romeo—gets busy with a presumed co-star in the middle of a trailer. Another co-star decides to prank him with a pie to the midsection.

Knowing Romeo will not take this well at all, everybody scatters, including me running into a closet.

​

Still naked, Romeo is furious and stalks the entire studio in search of the prankster. He rounds up every fellow actor one by one, including Giddish and Meloni, and angrily questions them. He eventually finds me and I obviously deny any involvement.

​

Not even Shaq and Charles Barkley, who have cameos in the film, are exempt from Romeo's wrath. Even though they were not involved, Romeo forces Barkley to throw up on Shaq as punishment for...something.

​

After some probing, Romeo still hasn't found the pie thrower, but he does find the pie maker and issues some type of physical punishment I'm too cowardly to watch. I awaken before the mystery is solved.

​