Night Visions, March 2021
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Paper Clips Aren't Funny...Are They? (March 29, 2021)
I work in a large stationery warehouse store, where apparently customers have nothing better to do but point at me and laugh as I work. They even eagerly anticipate my next move in hopes of more entertainment. Finally I escape to the back, where I'm told it's time to learn the forklift. Goodbye, stationery warehouse job.
They Don't Serve The Obese (March 26, 2021)
Along with buddies Chicken and Fleazoe, I decide to go buy pizza; for some reason it's understood that I must hide in the back seat of the car while they park and go inside. Eventually I get tired of waiting and end up crossing the street hand-in-hand with my friend Amy and an unidentified alien. (By alien, I mean an outer space being, not a foreign-born human.)
Later, someone tells Josie to "help" me, since I've apparently lost my mind. My response? "Yeah, she'll help me hide your body, bitch."
Ay, Man, You Done With That Soap? (March 25, 2021)
For undisclosed reasons, I'm back in the loony bin. But this time, I'm forced to not only share my shower (with a guy I haven't seen IRL since the 1990's), but I'm also forced to share my bar of soap. Once we're all clean, we lament the absence of Charles Barkley, who evidently used to entertain us before being discharged.
The New Uber (March 24, 2021)
Starting off, I'm about to do a radio show when my co-host informs me I don't have a radio (?) or headphones. I grab the latter but despite MUCH effort I can't get the radio to work properly until soap actress Farah Fath (who is surrounded by skanks) intervenes. Uh...thanks?
After doing the show, I encounter a geek standing in the middle of a room calling out for someone. Finally, a Leslie Jones-type appears, climbs on his back, and the two literally gallop away.
Things wrap with me changing my car's oil in a stranger's driveway while singing the '80's hit "Friends & Lovers".
Do I Look Like The Coroner? (March 21, 2021)
I get a call to urgently return to the motel my family and I are staying at. Turns out my grandma found a corpse wrapped in plastic between her mattresses. I'm perturbed I was called instead of 911.
Next, I'm in the 1250 driveway preparing to enter when I semi-accidentally take a dump on the ground. With no wiping material, I try to discreetly enter the premises downstairs, but some fat guy is seated near the door. So I try upstairs and am let in without incident. But before I can wipe...
...skip to some indoor basketball game. I am not able to make any shots at all, so when the opposing team is distracted in the middle of a play by their coach (who's upset with somebody's cussing), I feverishly attempt to complete an in-close score against the one foe still competing...but epically fail all three times no matter what I do. (At least my rear end was clean, though.)
Ignore Skillz And Save! (March 18, 2021)
After supervising the pet snakes of actress Carolyn Hennesy at the 1250, I find myself working at a high-end clothing store. First customer of the day is a geeky man who needs better-fitting suits to shut up his critical boss; I find him several and send him off to the dressing room as said boss literally shuts up mid-criticism. For further effect...I bring him some bomb ass shoes as well! (Take that, boss.)
Then s--- hits the fan: I try to get the attention of a new subordinate, but he simply keeps walking away from me, refusing to acknowledge my addresses. So I angrily confront the kid, demand the bag of clothes he's about to buy, and...purchase them FOR him with my employee discount. THAT'LL TEACH HIM TO NEVER DIS ME AGAIN!!!
I'd Have Ignored Me, Too (March 15, 2021)
It's the 2019 NBA Finals being held in my old bedroom at the 1250, with a trash can as the hoop. Former Warriors announcer Greg Papa is present, taking questions from fans. I finally ask if the players can choose which direction their gym equipment faces; Papa responds to my idiotic question by looking me dead in the eye and lifting weights without a word.
Okay, Who Missed The Toilet? (March 14, 2021)
I replace Ross as the 6th of the Friends and watch, speechless, as Rachel emerges carrying a wedding dress covered in diarrhea.
I DO Got Somethin: Baseballs! (March 13, 2021)
I am in a grocery store parking lot rolling baseballs toward my car when two employees pushing carts stop near it. One says "This (my car) is a piece of junk; the owner probably ain't got nothin'" so basically, no need to be extra-careful with the carts. I can't stay offended for long, because in another car, my uncle has shot my grandma.
Strangely, the idea of calling 911 never enters my thoughts. Instead, I go back and forth between tending to my grandma's wound—more to cover it up than anything—and playing catch with her assailant in the back of the lot. Nobody mentions the shooting at all.
The Food Was Hot, Though...?? (March 12, 2021)
(Fans of this section of TSR: It's been a very slow month, partially because my sleep has been jacked up. Please bear with me.)
After buying a giant 1960's floor TV from the new owners of the 1250, I head to Costco for some grub, which is served to me through a knee-level opening of an ice machine—"Does the worker live in there?" I wonder to myself. Then a desperate-seeming stranger in line stops me to discuss the recent IRL "cancellation" of Pepe LePew.
Feels, Wheels And (Poor) Appeals (March 8, 2021)
Things kick off with me attending a play. The small, young Asian woman next to me gets a little touchy...then a little smoochy...then a little clingy. I attempt to ditch her in the backyard of the 1250 but am only somewhat successful (she leaves me alone, but we have a date next week).
Next, I decide to bike home from the 1250...while carrying a Big Wheel. For absolutely no reason.
Before arriving home, I must pick up Josie from school. There, I learn that I am on a "list" for the following infractions: describing a student as "leggy", cussing twice, and generally being an all-round creep. Angered beyond belief, I demand to speak to the principal, but upon doing so all I manage are unintelligible stutters and light crying.
Both Of You: Call Uber Next Time (March 3, 2021)
Four men—me, and IRL Golden State Warriors champions Stephen Curry, Klay Thompson and Kevin Durant—lead the Warriors to another title despite at one point playing 4-on-12. After some celebration, I find myself co-hosting a show on San Francisco station 95.7 The Game, where I ask Warriors broadcaster Bob Fitzgerald if he'd welcome Durant back to the team. "OF COURSE I WOULD!" Fitz bellows. Me: "Uh...let me get the real hosts back on the air."
Things end with me directing a blind guy who's riding a blind prehistoric creature of some sort through the streets of my native Vallejo, California.