Night Visions, March 2022
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Praised...Then Banned....Then Rejected (March 31, 2022)
At the 1250, Al Davis and I talk about our new, exclusive Raiders deal with legendary announcer Al Michaels. We walk through the house and end up in the john, where Mr. Davis continues talking Michaels and football even as I tend to a flooding toilet. Eventually, Mr. Davis looks me in the eye and praises me, to which I respond "I'm just a guy, Mr. Davis" as the toilet continues to flood. Fun times...
Next, I'm walking with Josie through Sunnyvale, CA when I encounter a roadblock of traffic. So we cut through the parking lot of a public swimming pool, leading the woman in charge to ban us from ever swimming there. Me: "Ban us? You don't even know who we are." Within a few seconds, the woman reads out not only our names, but my mama's too. My response? Whip out a jar of fake blood and rub it over my face. "I guess I'm REALLY banned now, huh?" The woman agrees and we leave satisfied.
Finally, I'm inside someone's home making a food delivery to the shut bedroom. The people inside reject the order, and even though I tell myself repeatedly to not spill anything as I leave, I somehow manage to spill heaps of rice inside somebody's purse on my way out.
C'Mon, Just Pay For The Ballpark Food (March 27, 2022)
My pal Aldo and I attend a San Francisco Giants game, but when some idiot in our right field section gets too obnoxious, I move to the left field bleachers alone. There, someone hits a foul ball into the water near my seat (not possible IRL); I attempt to fish the ball out but only find spilled cereal...which I proceed to eat. (It tastes fine, but we here at TSR strongly advise against such an act IRL.)
In The Sports Justice System...(March 26, 2022)
Jack McCoy from Law & Order is talking baseball with some politician, who checks him for a wire. He finds none...because McCoy's daughter Jenny, who was nearby, is wearing the wire. McCoy accidentally exposes this fact when the politician speaks their code word, and a scandal breaks out very quickly. Soon, a conference is held to determine this politician's future—he is supposedly crooked and it has to do with baseball—and I am about to enter. But after I threaten physical harm to some sexist jerk outside the conference room, the doors are shut and no resolution is made before I awaken...boo.
I Guess She Showed HIM! (March 22, 2022)
An INV friend claims to have been raped, so we do what any sane person would do and head over to the accused's house well after sundown. There, the friend wanders off while some houseguest tries to distract me by issuing a nametag. I get suspicious, search the house, and track down my "friend", who is in a bedroom very consensually screwing her supposed rapist.
Annoyed, I split and head to...the neighbor's house. Soon, the "rapist's" house is burning and no one is outside or attempting to get outside. I call 911, explain as best as I can, and am asked "Did your friend start the fire, sir?" End vision.
Learn To Quit When Ahead, Skillz (March 20, 2022)
Hall-of-Fame worthy, in my book.
There I am in the Lowe's waiting room (?), watching TV with some guy, Tiffani Thiessen and Belinda Carlisle. Someone on the tube says "Dave and Wendy", leading me to comment "That makes me want some Wendy's. Which was founded by Dave...end sentence." The ladies laugh, and an episode of Full House comes on.
As the episode ends, the guys are in a clothed semi-orgy with their respective ladies. I decide to try my luck at humor again: "They're about to do nasty things." This time, Thiessen is annoyed that I define sex as "nasty" until I (falsely) attribute the line to an episode of The Cleveland Show. My reputation is somewhat restored.
At Least I Got Some Warning (March 17, 2022)
While doing my FedEx route, an old pal, L.T., invites me in for tea. I meet his wife and kids, but my dislike of the tea makes the entire meeting awkward. Mercifully, the vision soon skips to...
...me and a former IRL supervisor, Snyder, doing an armored transport route. Snyder is supposed to drive to a mall in Fairfield (CA), but we end up at one in nearby Vallejo. At this point, Snyder has me grab something for the bleeding I am about to do, because he's going to punish my poor communication with his night stick. (I awaken before anything happens.)
I Can Never Have Nice Things (March 15, 2022)
A European masseuse is hanging out at the 1250, where my ex's jealousy causes my grandma to evict said masseuse. She is quickly replaced by a bunch of random children taking over the backyard.
Guns Vs. Microphones (March 14, 2022)
San Francisco Bay Area radio hosts Damon Bruce, Ray Ratto and Matt Kolsky take on drug dealers on a school playground. Despite the odds, the hosts win, with Kolsky deftly saving Ratto from a last-minute sneak attack from a thug who was only pretending to be defeated. Good job, boys.
You Couldn't Have WAITED 10 Minutes? (March 10, 2022)
At the 1250, I am in bed with a former crush on top of me ready to go at it...until my grandma interrupts needing me to repair a musical toy that won't work properly. I reluctantly fix it, but the nooky mood is killed.
Me and said ex-crush then walk around; after a few blocks, we enter an elevator where she declares she no longer wants to be friends. Being the noble fellow I am, I still fix her a sandwich.
Skillz Comes Thru In The Clutch (March 8, 2022)
An IRL friend of mine, Marilynn, is lonely at work so she spontaneously joins some protest group outside her building. I sidle up to her as she receives a call from her boss; the boss is put on speaker as I pretend to be a terrorist in an effort to justify Marilynn's absence. Even though the garbage I spout is ridiculous (it was something like "I'm ANGRY and I'm going to blow up stuff like the terrorist I am!") and spoken with a clearly phony accent, the boss buys it hook, line and sinker. Good times...
Law & Order: ESL (March 6, 2022)
I'm tagging along with Detectives Stabler and Benson from Law & Order: SVU as they patrol the streets of New York. Case #1 involves a black guy who's targeting and assaulting white men who pee in public. The detectives set up a sting with multiple white men peeing around a city block and sure enough, the suspect tries to assault them all before sensing a trap and fleeing. We trap him on a tennis court and arrest him.
Case #2 involves an immigrant, elder shop owner and who I presume is his daughter. Their infraction is...illiteracy. Stabler has the young woman read some lines off the blackboard, which she does—because she's memorized them; as soon as Stabler hands her a magazine she is exposed. The owner/dad does better than expected but it still a very poor English reader, so Benson writes him up and leaves. What the hell she writes him up for is anybody's guess.
Will JFK And The Fugitive Do? (March 2, 2022)
After kicking it with an old pal, I leave her apartment to find my "catalytic converter dash light" on—it's been stolen. Still, I drive to the 1250 and play a game of 4-on-4 football with Dr. Dre, Eminem and other unidentified dudes. I catch a touchdown pass in the kitchen as Eminem hollers to Dre from the back to bring him some movies, specifically "all that Tommy Lee Jones s---".