Any Peanut Comparisons? (May 30, 2020)

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It's the last day of high school; apparently I'm a bad student and my teacher does not like me much. So when she catches me actually doing assigned work in class, she can't help but remark (to the effect of) "Well, look who's finally joined the party." I respond, "For this class, anyway." After processing my reply, said teacher begins repeatedly kissing my forehead, not unlike Homer Simpson did to Hans Moleman way back when.

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Should Have Just Resigned (May 27, 2020)

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I show up for pre-dawn work somewhere, and am promptly asked to accompany ex-NFL star Lorenzo Neal to an off-site job. Returning outside, however, I find my car has been "loaned out", forcing me to ride with Neal on the back of his motorcycle. Which makes me very uncomfortable in multiple ways.

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Arriving at a hotel, we are soon met by Joe Montana and some woman posing as his wife. I shake Joe's hand and he promptly wipes it on his pants. "It was just water!" I plead.

 

 

I Need Different Friends (May 26, 2020)

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My buds take me out for my birthday. Upon leaving the restaurant, one of them acts as a human mop to clear my path, but another walks me along in a headlock once we're outside.

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Maybe Without The Ripping...(May 23, 2020)

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Riding around with my ex, I decide to "impress" her by driving off-road to a newly-constructed intersection late at night. When you find the logic there, let me know.

Next, I'm at a restaurant with a few friends and Bay Area radio host Bonta Hill. I order tea and other patrons laugh at me. Then a female enters, rips off Hill's undershirt and offers him double what we're "paying" him for his company. The female turns out to be his girlfriend, and he rejects her.

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Skip to a deserted group of hoop courts near a warehouse. My ball rolls inside the open door and I uncover what looks like endless boxes of classified information. Deciding to rummage through it later, I retrieve the ball and promptly spill a gas can outside the warehouse (accidentally) but since no one says leave, I clean/rinse the mess and return to hooping. Rather terribly, I might add.

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Not So Empty (May 20, 2020)

 

I live with the cast of Empty Nest, and we move into a what seems to be a nice suburban neighborhood. The dog gets spooked and runs off, and while Harry and I recover him, one of the nosy neighbors decides to just walk through our open front door.

I bear-hug and guide him back out, then for good measure spray his dorky 12-year-old son with a hose. Then comes my warning: "The next time one of you trespasses..." but I'm mockingly cut off before saying "...I'll be spraying something else (bullets)."

Sure enough, Papa neighbor decides to enter our home again, and I search like mad for my pistol. But when I can't find it I embarrassingly dissolve into a blubbering mess right in front of the trespasser. WHY must I have a vision like this...
 

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Preparedness? Optimism? (May 18, 2020)

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Outside the 1250, an officer is shot in the leg by some sensor-triggered weapon. I become the officer, and protect my INV son from what happened by decorating the 1250 yard with Halloween stuff. I also swat a goldfish off the top of a car. Eventually, the gun owner's daughter is arrested after a fight with said gun owner—her mama—who then turns up dead.

 

Later, I find myself in a room standing around wearing nothing but a condom.

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Is One Of Us Invisible? (May 16, 2020)

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It's Law & Order: SVU, and I'm partnered with Detective Stabler for a very special murder (?) investigation that takes place on the bottom floor of the precinct building. Captain Cragen accompanies us and is extra-testy, snapping at Stabler and chastising me for daring to take photos of the exits. Stabler, who hasn't worked with Cragen in some time, starts to respond until I warn him to "just do what he says!". 

Eventually we leave the scene and I see an ad with Cragen's portrayer, Dann Florek. "What's a Dann Florek?" I ask aloud, trying to be funny. Thankfully for me, Cragen doesn't seem to hear my crack.

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More from tonight: Me, IRL bud Mike, and another guy cross a busy road and witness a woman collapse. We all check on her; she's okay and "will pray for the two of us". A puzzled me: "Can I get some prayer, too?" No response.

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Later, my tattoo peels off, revealing a fix-it number underneath (that's long disconnected), and the Washington Nationals sign a 43-year-old woman to pitch for them.

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No Using Those On The Cake (May 12, 2020)

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At some wedding, General Hospital icons Luke Spencer and Sonny Corinthos have a bloody knife fight to the death. Then at the 1250 I pull a roast from the fridge with a giant gross bug on it. I then proceed to use the (full) plate to attempt smashing it, with expected messy results.

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(There was also the scene with a rice maker taking a young man on a journey to find himself...but I didn't retain enough details.)

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Perhaps It Was Warm (May 9, 2020)

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I watch the General Hospital opening credits, with Spinelli as a cat and Alan melting before the audience's eyes. Then I knock on my neighbor's door asking for some leftovers. Just like that.

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I'll Take The Stairs (May 8, 2020)

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There is a pickup football game on a ship. As a quarterback, I throw two touchdown passes in one series somehow, then as a lineman I block so relentlessly my opponents get mad. At one point I recover a fumble then make a flagrantly illegal forward pass to a teammate for a score. Just when I think I'm on top of the world, I try another fumble/forward pass...and throw it right into the arms of a disguised lesbian opponent.

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Dejected, I slink away, encountering an upper escalator that shears the scalp off anyone who rides the lower escalator.

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Extended Spring "Train"-ing (May 4, 2020)

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Cardinals pitcher Jordan Hicks is injured, and his replacement is 60 and currently on a moving train. Nevertheless, I offer to warm him up despite lacking a glove and standing at the bottom of a steep ramp...offer accepted.

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Heaven Before Heaven (May 3, 2020)

 

I work at Taco Bell; night falls and I close and depart the store. Even though we're obviously closed, there is a line of cars still waiting at the drive-thru who haven't computed what is happening. Fearing a riot if I'm seen leaving, I try to hightail it outta there, but the car will not go very fast at all no matter what. Worse yet, on the main road some jerk deliberately drives the wrong way into my lanes, forcing me to swerve like a maniac to avoid collision.

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Things close with me watching a CSI: Miami episode centering on "The Foot-Rub Killer", who massages the feet of his victims before and after killing them.

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Tu Vas En Prison, Skillz (May 2, 2020)

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Outside my apartment, the cops accuse me of participating in some crime in France with former NBA coach Doug Collins. I'm sort of handcuffed and led away as ex-major leaguer Milton Bradley sits in a carport laughing. Just before we reach the police car, I'm told I'm going to be placed in general population—which is all the motivation I need to break from my cuffs, KO one of the cops, and bite the other's nose off before escaping.