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Night Visions Main

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 



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Night Visions Hall Of Fame



(Dates of awakening listed)

What The Hell Else Is Back There? (May 29, 2022)

There is an emergency evacuation, and I—along with dozens of others—drive toward the exit of a desolate parking lot. Eventually we all encounter minor gridlock, and in the car next to me I spot Wes, the husband of an IRL friend. I make a joke to which he barely even reacts to, let alone laughs. Oh, well.

Next, it's a Drew Carey Show reunion, initially minus Diedrich Bader until he reveals himself near the end. But I cannot fully enjoy it because Josie is suffering with mysterious bug bites. I high-tail it to the nearest 7-Eleven and learn they're fresh out of medicine, but a very creepy stocker assures me "We Got Some More In The Back." Half-expecting to be attacked, I decide to wait around but awaken before resolution.

Call It The Folgers Flex (May 26, 2022)

All I can remember from this jumbled set of visions is playing coffee can basketball in my childhood bedroom and dunking on my father in an attempt to earn his respect.

There's This Thing Called SOCKS, Ya Know (May 24, 2022)

I'm rehearsing with the Boyz II Men at my buddy Juan's house, but they eventually realize I'm not actually in their group and end the rehearsal. Skip to me as a bus driver; I'm sent to pick up five people from five stops before dropping anyone off. This causes two people to become impatient and exit the bus before reaching their destination.

I get out to search for one and return to find a passenger in my seat. The senior citizen gal feels up my stomach, apologizes the whole time, but makes no effort to stop. The vision ends with my ex standing barefoot on my bare feet in an effort to warm herself up. ???

Lennie's Fruity Story (May 19, 2022)

Poor sleep and little worth mentioning from dreamland this past week, but here we go again at last.

Initially, I find myself at some Christmas snow-themed outdoor event. There's music, performers, a real festive atmosphere. I sit down, and just as "Diamonds" by Rihanna begins to play, a costumed woman slides into my lap and makes out with me without a word for the entire (abbreviated) song. She never shows her full face and only says something like "I just had to do that" before scurrying off. I eye her up and down and once I'm convinced she's actually a female, of consenting age, and reasonably attractive, I'm content.

Skip to Lennie Briscoe's INV final episode of Law & Order. It begins with Briscoe being thrown onto a car from a second story window, which he survives. Soon he and his partner Green are investigating the case, but things get weird when Green stumbles upon Briscoe sitting on a toilet guarding a prayer group with his pistol raised.

Later, Briscoe is found stabbed in the back with his phony birth certificate nearby. In the hospital. he greets Green with a "Hello, Lola Belle!" Green asks directly what Briscoe is mixed up in. Briscoe tells the story of neighbors stealing his family's lemons and oranges off their trees when he was a child, then makes a silly banana joke ("You know why we can eat bananas with the peels on 'em? Cuz they're a-peeling") before dropping over dead. Green lets out a wail that sounds more like a sexual release than grief; end vision.

The Costanzas Reunited Up Above (May 11, 2022)

Several days after the fact, I read in the newspaper that Jason Alexander perished after mistaking some sliced-up material for chips and downing several of them; I grieve that there will never be another Seinfeld reunion. Next thing I know, I'm guest-starring on The Conners as some confidante of Darlene, who rambles on and on about god knows what as I sit on the bed nodding.

Skip to a pharmacy; I see my estranged father's name on a pickup list, turn around, and there he is—except he's now towering over me at 6'8", maybe more. Forced to chat, I air a few grievances (straining my neck all the while) before being given our respective medicines. I think it's over, but Pops invites himself into my ride for more bonding, I suppose. FML

Murdering Me? How Unprofessional (May 10, 2022)

I'm NBA veteran and Inside The NBA co-host Kenny Smith, and I'm ordered by my boss to "handle" George from Seinfeld. I do so and return to the boss hoping for a raise, but all he does is look at me for a full minute before summoning two gals to handle my "termination". I ask if that means they're going to kill me, and I am correct. The hitwomen drag me away but I'm able to escape—cue a wild Benny Hill-type chase between me, the hitwomen, and several other Seinfeld characters.

Skillz The Wide (Smooch) Receiver (May 8, 2022)

Not much. Just me playing and playing well for the 49ers, but being cut by coach Jim Harbaugh anyway for making out with an old friend in the middle of a play. (She's cute; it was worth it.)

No War For Us, Thank You (May 6, 2022)

Josie and I are in a small village, where we witness an attempted robber thwarted by locked doors. Eventually Josie and I enter the doors, which are to a hotel/saloon, and when the robber gains access as well, I throw him down four flights of stairs.

When Josie and I exit, we learn we are in Vietnam and war is underway. The two of us book it through a jungle and high waters but end up basically where we started. A couple offers soldiers the female in exchange for their eventual freedom, but I adamantly refuse to turn my daughter over to anyone. Just as things intensify, I wake up. Boo nightmares.

Those Bones Aren't Gonna Heal (May 5, 2022)

49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo dies in a fall—but no one directly tells me this. Instead, I walk to the beach at the bottom of a cliff to ask Jimmy something...and he's already resting in a coffin with casts on his arms (?). As if that isn't enough death, skip to a scene of me presenting a granny and grandchild with a double wheelbarrow, which wouldn't be an issue if either one of them were still alive. I wheel the pair around in their new gift, not wanting to declare my expenditure a total waste.

Things end on a less dark note; I hit a home run with a frying pan and circle the bases shirtless. Surprisingly, no one vomits.

Eliminated, Huh? (May 3, 2022)

It's Law & Order stuff; I follow Lt. Benson up the stairs into a courthouse and tell a horde of woofing teens "She's a homicide detective!". Close enough.

Inside, after greeting McCoy with a "Good Morning, Mr. District Attorney", Det. Tutuola explains how he eliminated crime in the courthouse bathroom. Impressed, I visit said bathroom and find some uniformed, decorated guy on the toilet scared to death because a ticking bomb is nearby. Fin tells me to disarm the device and books it. Fun times...

Mufasa, Get Your Own Damn Blanket! (May 2, 2022)

In the 1250 driveway, I am playing basketball against MLB superstar Max Scherzer; each of us has a Hawaiian gal as a teammate. I dominate Mad Max offensively and defensively and at one point I sink a long three-pointer in the girl's face. The ball rolls through the hoop very slowly, leading me to state "That went down like a turd in a toilet, didn't it?" All she can do is glare in disgust.

Seconds later, a lion emerges, steals one of the girl's dresses, uses it as a blanket and goes to sleep right there in the driveway. Fearing for everyone's safety, I try to beat it senseless with a bat, but the bat is plastic and the lion doesn't even wake up or stir.

Buzz Off, Jerks! (May 1, 2022)

While leaping in the middle of a road, I land on the roof of a passing car, obviously damaging it. At the police station, the driver blames One Life To Live detective John McBain, and I respond by "promoting" him for double his prior salary just to piss her off further. She finally splits and McBain and I report to the 1250.

Once there, McBain suspects a corpse is under the seat I'm using; he's wrong, but the investigation is on. That is, until a group of bees surrounds him and another detective. Luckily, I am able to use a hose and Black Flag on the insects, saving "my partners".

Skip to a hoop court; shortly after learning my INV pal C.J. has passed, I try to bury a jumper in his honor but wind up bricking nine in a row.

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