Night Visions, November 2019
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Try Some Certs Please (November 29, 2019)
I beat up a disobedient little boy, I annoy a fellow bicyclist by daring go at a safe speed, and as we both go to clean up behind a young customer, a baseball card shop clerk and I both manage to fall down and, as any two humans would, start making out on the floor.
For some reason, her rampant cigarette taste doesn't slow me down as it would instantly IRL.
Copycat! (November 28, 2019)
Things begin with the actor Louis Mustillo (Mom) sadistically electroshocking an off-duty cop who made the mistake of minding his own business.
Things continue with me being offered a modeling job by Maya Rudolph...that is, until she sees my measurements. She then clumsily attempts a PC do-over "Do we have anyone in the audience who knows about scales?" She didn't mean fish.
Things end with me watching a Patriots/Browns game in which QB Tom Brady twice flips out and chases a Brown with his helmet before the snap. The transgressions, if any, are not known.
Enjoying The View?? (November 20, 2019)
My apartment parking lot is full of plug-in cars, many of which I do not recognize. Not only is my space taken, but it is taken with MY car which I did not put there—I suspect someone is going around stealing electric cars and stashing them in our lot.
During my subsequent investigation, I pass Fred and Daphne (from Scooby-Doo) as a pest control team, then encounter a giant red dot on the ground near my apartment. I go to my apartment roof and there is Joy Behar, lying on her stomach, terrified of falling into the giant red dot. I give her a peck on the cheek and go on about my day.
Legs Lyndon (November 19, 2019)
Josie watches a replay of the JFK motorcade/assassination at the 1250. The doorbell rings and it's the Secret Service; apparently President Lyndon Johnson wants to watch too. "It's already started!" I shout to him at the bottom of the steps, prompting him to run up quickly and impressively. Me to LBJ: "You just put me to shame!"
Skip to me doing five loads of laundry. That's the whole vision, me loading quarters and inserting dirty clothes into machines. This went on for at least 5-10 minutes.
By CRIKEY That Makes No Sense! (November 16, 2019)
Despite Steve Irwin's warnings to her negligent handlers, a chubby blonde special needs girl finds herself horned in the forehead by some large animal. Irwin suggests removing the girl's stomach so she dies at her next meal rather than from the wound. Makes perfect sense, so her handlers do indeed remove her stomach somehow.
She is next seen on the side of a mountain struggling to eat a sandwich and gradually losing color until she finally collapses. Her mother, Laurie Metcalf, hysterically yells "WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING HER?!!!" unaware of the whole wound/stomach thing.
Aw, Shoot (November 12, 2019)
My uncle offers an opinion on a thug, who decides (predictably) to pull a gun on him. I steal the thug's backup gun and attempt to pull the trigger but can't get it to work. "Your gun's broken!" We end up just pressing the barrel tips up against each other.
Next, I'm trying to secure a writing gig with a prestigious company, but they feel I'd do better as a backup quarterback for whatever team they cover. Before long I'm in the game, firing one incomplete, errant pass after another. Worse, they still won't let me write for them.
After briefly feeling up the legs of actress Melody Thomas Scott, I wind up on the 49ers watching somebody score a long touchdown. No one seems to care, however, so we all walk back to the sideline rather than high-five him. At that point, coach decides to take a team picture...which I want NO part of.
I calmly and quietly sneak away and head to my locker. The combination doesn't work so I simply rip the door off to find...two bath tissue rolls.
Way Off Target (November 8, 2019)
I come up with the brilliant idea for the Houston Astros to re-sign free agent pitcher Gerrit Cole for three years, $100 million. I run to tell my mama (?) but she will not break from her meeting with team executives to hear me out. So I call her sister (my aunt) to break her away, but said aunt proves unhelpful. It's at this point I realize I'm not being listened to because I am four years old.
So I switch to watching the Astros in the playoffs; their manager AJ Hinch plays, but accidentally injures superstar pitcher Justin Verlander with a slide. For the A's, Marcus Semien hits a grand slam and the crowd is allowed to chase him around the bases, much to his horror. Back to my true age, I decide to flee to Target, where I'm tasked with watching a couple of potential shoplifters while "we" staffers receive new uniforms.
I do as I'm told, and watch one woman enter a dressing room. Soap actress Melissa Ordway approaches me and loudly asks "Did you catch the shoplifters?" The dressing room gal overhears, of course, and isn't happy—it turns out the people I was watching are the ones responsible for bringing the new uniforms, and were being profiled as shoplifters by store management.
Skip to a hospital, where I and two others get stuck in an elevator partition just as it begins to move...fabulous.
The Gift Of...Glue? (November 5, 2019)
At the 1250, radio hosts Rob Williams and Arnie States (who are ex-partners) stow away in separate rooms trying to annoy each other with electric fans. it goes back and forth until Arnie puts a fan right on Rob's lap blowing in his face. I finally get fed up and play referee ordering them both to stop. As I retreat, my uncle presents me with an XMas Rolex, and my buddy Dave presents me with a...horse.
Dave goes outside to bring the horse around front but somehow flips the cart over, seemingly killing it. I won't go near it out of fear it will rise up and kick me.