Night Visions, November 2020
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
That Guy Has (Base) Balls (November 28, 2020)
Just me, San Francisco Giants pitcher Johnny Cueto and the Scooby-Doo gang solving mysteries. In broken English, Cueto expresses confusion over the others being in animated form while we aren't.
Punishment Doesn't Fit The Crime (November 27, 2020)
A 60ish woman causes trouble in a store and waits patiently for the authorities near the exit. I arrest her and as I walk her to my car, something comes over me and I smooch her rather dry lips as consolation for the arrest. Next thing I know, it's nighttime at the 1250 and I'm having random phrases translated online as an incoming call from Shannen Doherty is received.
Tittle Is A Mean Guy (November 26, 2020)
Local radio host Rick Tittle can't beat Golden State Warriors star Klay Thompson in one-on-one, so he beats him UP instead. Then Tittle becomes a gym coach, ordering me and others up a dangerous set of ladders to paint a building. I barely survive, and only upon reaching the top of the ladder does it hit me: he does not have the power to do this. Before I can lead a mutiny...
...skip to an ice-cream contest with me and two unhandsome guys as judges. Problem is, the other dudes can only focus on the pretty gal presenting the ice cream, and nothing ever gets judged. Then, after a scene with a cooked pork chop stuck to the 1250 kitchen wall, we end with another hoop game. This time it's me and the stars of General Hospital vs. whoever, with me sinking two J's and tipping in a Roger Howarth miss after 10 attempts.
Uh...Where'd The Mirror Go? (November 20, 2020)
My old pal Cav is under arrest by...someone, for failure to wear COVID masks leading to further spread of the virus. I am called upon to testify on his behalf, and as I practice in the mirror, I come up with a very moving speech promoting his innocence and overall good character. Suddenly, as I rehearse gestures and movements, it's revealed I'm actually giving the testimony to prosecutors right then and making a total fool of myself. Sorry, Cav...
Next, I find myself working the night shift at a movie theater. Everything is okay at first, then a couple enters, sits down, and starts a conversation with me at the ticket booth. They are speaking and sharing details as if we've had previous conversations; not wanting to expose myself as not remembering any previous conversations, I play along until they realize I'm not who they thought I was. Embarrassment for all. (Not long after, I storm out and quit when a customer insists I gave him wrong change.)
JIP...FITTIN...YOU...ICKER...&%%*# (November 19, 2020)
I have a new job, working in some gravelly lot. I ride with the boss to an off-site meeting, where one of my colleagues gets so mad as hell that he can hardly speak a sentence; all anyone hears is stuttering southern twang and he's finally kicked out. At the meeting, I do get to "catch up with" former One Life To Live actor Dan Gauthier, who is waaay out of place at this meeting but doesn't care.
Later, I encounter One Life To Live actress Erika Slezak at the 1250; I smooch her, then swipe her cookies when she isn't looking.
Just Use A Glass, Weirdos (November 16, 2020)
At the 1250, my mom and I discover two newborn kittens in her closet. I somehow manage to spill some auto fluid near them but quickly clean it before they can indulge.
After a scene of Boston Legal's Alan Shore and Denny Crane sampling alcohol from women's shoes, we skip to an office of some sort. It seems the cast of NewsRadio, except Dave and Jimmy, has been murdered. I stumble upon the carcass of the supposed killer, conclude Jimmy must have been responsible, and ask him how he did it. Jimmy won't answer and tells me to call 911. I try, but cannot remember the address of the office.
What A Spill (November 15, 2020)
President Trump doggedly pursues an attractive woman, but she's out of his league and shows no interest. Trump is then seen licking his wounds with a suited, muscle-bound lackey on his lap offering support.
Skip to me at what seems like high school; I've forgotten my mask and decide to go to 7-Eleven (to buy one?) I'm carrying a standard backpack as well as a lavender knapsack, which draws stares from passerby. Arriving at the store, I make my purchase, but only after leaving do I realize I forgot my basketball inside.
Some teen has picked it up and will only return it to me if I buy him ice cream. I slide him $3 and wait for his purchase...except the store's ice cream maker is broken. I'm briefly distracted outside, and the kid winds up with my ball and my money. Bloody hell...
As I walk back home, a water bottle "walks" ahead at a fast pace. Suddenly, it loses its balance and falls hard in the street; numerous people, including myself, check to ensure it is okay.
I'm Sick...Of Injustice! (November 12, 2020)
I've been tasked with eliminating a rat that has been burrowing in the yard of IRL family friend Diane. Using a bat, I complete this task, and Diane is so pleased she asks the exact same favor the next day. Unfortunately, this time when I dig for the rat, all I find is stinky dog poo.
Next. local radio host Rick Tittle appears at the 1250 to discuss his love for pets. Tittle is annoyed when I reveal my non-interest in pets, until we both discover a massive fishtank full of thriving sea life. Well, except for the "pelican fish" that appears dead until I start the extraction process.
Third is a MLB game; former IRL manager Tom Kelly is displeased with the stall tactics of his opponent, so he deliberately removes a pitcher just to hold the game up further. The pitcher, Jose Mijares, is unhappy with this move and disrespectfully flips Kelly the ball as he exits. I'm watching this on TV and ream Mijares for his behavior...until I'm suddenly teleported next to him, at which time all I say is "Congratulations on your weight loss."
Fourth: I'm in a thrift store with late actor Michael Landon; evidently, this is the same thrift store where his Highway To Heaven co-star passed away INV. The store has a tabloid covering Landon's death for sale, which upsets him. Me: "They have other things, too."
Finally, I'm on The Price Is Right and bid an exact dollar amount on Contestant's Row. However, even though he overbid by $48, the guy next to me is chosen to go onstage. Obviously, I'm not happy with this and stop everything to confront Drew Carey. Drew: "That's just the way we do things around here!" I lose it and an ambulance is called.
That Bus Rollin' (November 11, 2020)
I'm back at my armed courier job, doing the difficult, 52-page long Run #8 with Shaq as my partner. Things are moving along when all of a sudden I'm outside the vehicle, watching as an entire class of young students/chaperones cross a road we need to access. After much waiting there is a gap, and I implore Shaq to turn the bus—yes, our truck is now a bus—while he can. But he refuses to take the risk, and we're stuck waiting even longer.
FINALLY, Shaq makes the turn and parks the bus, as some woman declares "That bus rollin'". I re-enter the truck we both had been in, and numerous students/chaperones follow me inside excitedly.
I'll Take "Facials" For $200 (November 10, 2020)
A basketball hoop is set up in a clothing store back aisle, and numerous young men try to score but Alex Trebek keeps rejecting them. After a while of this, Trebek takes the ball himself and viciously SLAMS it through the hoop...RIP to an all-time great.
Perhaps I Wasn't Washed Correctly (November 7, 2020)
Me, some girl, and IRL pals Juan and Raff make up the Fantastic Four, and we're tasked with finding the missing sister of the girl. I'm a little apprehensive about leaving the house because my shirt is oversized (to Juan: "Did I shrink, dawg?") but we eventually get moving. On the road, we spot a car flip over and the girl fly out of the window...hit the ground...and within a few seconds, stop breathing. Not fantastic.
Skip to the Staples Center (home of the NBA's Los Angeles Lakers and Clippers). Actor Kevin Hart is pranking celebrities somehow, and he gets Kanye West and P. Diddy all riled up circling the court in search of him. Me: "I've never seen those two in the same place at the same time!"
I Have THIS To Look Forward To? (November 6, 2020)
I bring large bags of dog food and cat food (?) to my aunt's old apartment, where a huge new dog won't shut up barking loudly. Because of this, my visit is drawn to an early close and as Josie (who is just shy of 11) and I cross the street, some older teenager hollers out of an SUV for her phone number right in front of me.
Josie and I end up at school, where we learn her teacher is due to quit on November 16. I'm not happy about it, but said teacher takes my hands, dips them in water, and presses them against the table in an "effort" to lift my spirits.
Dishonorable (November 3, 2020)
I'm in the military, stationed somewhere in the Middle East but working a chill job and eagerly waiting for a colleague to satisfy my craving for a Subway sandwich. Before he returns, the enemy confronts us in our building; we hurl giant boulders in their direction but they dodge them in a mocking manner and take us hostage.
I'm repeatedly "electrocuted", meaning they zap me with something and I shake violently. But just as I begin to think captivity won't be so bad, Joe Biden is brought out, and one captor (after a series of ninja moves) inverts Biden's knee. Me: "I'll tell you anything you wanna know!!"