Skillz Bringing The Laughs (October 27, 2019)

​

For some reason, I'm hiking up Interstate 680, thinking about a joke I made to my friend Joanna on Instagram that she never responded to. Joanna magically appears and I repeat the joke...ignored. I vow right then and there to never joke to anyone ever again.

​

Needing a pick-me-up, I decide to pay for some maps I accidentally stole from a store months prior. Security acts like it's all good, but I covertly spot a guard eyeing a photo of my transaction and realize it ain't all good, evidently. The guard tries to detain me, but I refuse, explaining that I'm doing the exact opposite of stealing. He pushes until I raise a fist in anger—"Don't hurt me!!" he cries. "What IS love?" I ask aloud, referencing the song before going outside and awaiting arrest.

​

To Each Is Own (October 24, 2019)

​

After 30 minutes of ringing the doorbell, I finally let my sleep-deprived uncle inside the 1250. Well, sort of—he's so tired, hes fallen asleep on the porch, forcing me to drag him inside over my shoulder (difficult, as he's 6'7"). I finally get him inside and situated in a comfortable spot on the floor, then go for a drive during which I spot a convertible full of dudes sucking dildos.

​

Next Time They'll Take Uber (October 21, 2019)

​

Josie is taking a class at a local Target; the instructor decides to just whisk the kids off-site without any notification of parents. Because of this, I spend too much time looking for her (successfully) and am late picking up my family from Target. When I return to the store, they're sitting criss-cross applesauce near the doorway looking forlorn.

​

I snatch them up and, feeling guilty, decide to break most laws in getting them home quickly. This means driving on curbs, running stop signs, etc. My recklessness results in a wrong turn into a warehouse, inside which I'm locked and large, bare-chested man-gods with no pupils unhappily approach me and the others...great times.

​

​

Good Grief (October 16, 2019)

​

Armed with several envelopes full of cash, I arrive at the dealership ready to buy. Without my permission, the salesman counts up my cash ($11K) and sends a lackey to retrieve a vehicle. Moments later, the lackey parks an old-time one-seater with Hello Kitty stuff under the hood right there in the showroom. I politely request something with at least five seats.

This time, the lackey comes back with a very ugly, five-seat covered pickup truck with Peanuts characters glued to the sides. I now insist upon picking my own vehicle.

​

Next, on a live Kelly Clarkson Show, a strung-out Paula Abdul is blaming Simon Cowell for everything wrong with her career. Simon listens, and with great restraint, simply says "I wish you only the best." Paula continues to take shots at him as she walks off the stage, even when he's out of earshot as if he's still sitting there. ("And another thing, Simon...")

​

Finally, I'm a junk retriever, sent to pick up something from Betty White's house. White turns out to be a much younger Japanese woman with caked-on makeup; she has no idea where the item is and tries to make me take something else. I refuse and proceed to the next stop, which is a two-mile walk down some Boardwalk-type place.

​

Kill A Star, Skillz Gets Car (October 13, 2019)

​

I'm MLB star pitcher Max Scherzer, attempting to break the all-time single-game strikeout record of 20. I do—nevermind that my "strikeouts" consist of throwing a ball against a toy boat in a bathtub three times. Still, I go outside to boast, and encounter Justin Bieber and some floozy in a convertible stopped on the center divider for some reason. I tersely tell the Beebs "nice car".

​

Later, Pitbull is killed in the 1250 driveway; my buddy Eddie responds by walking me along a long back path to some office, where he co-signs a car for me. Of course, I have to tell many lies to even be eligible for the co-sign, but hey, I witnessed a murder. Cut me slack.

​

The Bowling Blues (October 11, 2019)

​

At the bowling alley, I struggle, mostly because the "lanes" are just rows between school desks and are about two feet wide. Eventually, I get fed up and attempt to play the high pin game, which is knocking down an exorbitant number of pins at once. I go for 625, but don't realize I'm supposed to roll the ball against a wall to a room with the pins, not the actual pins themselves. Not surprisingly, I'm only able to knock down 15 and storm away despite a dork trying to pump me up.

​

Go Back To Bed, Dude (October 7, 2019)

​

In the middle of the night, Mets second baseman Robinson Cano staggers down the hall to show me his half-eaten quesarito, which he dislikes.

​

Spinning A Web Of...Love? (October 6, 2019)

​

Though I'm being treated to the prison tales from an IRL bud, intercourse between two cat-sized spiders outside his apartment steal the show.

​

Uh...Who Let You In Here? (October 5, 2019)

​

After I'm kicked out of class for being one minute late, I go to the hospital and somehow set things up to make me appear poisoned. I then pose as my uncle to complain to the principal and threaten a lawsuit. My evil plan is working...until the principal materializes in my living room, forcing me to drag my uncle from the shower and, in "code", bring him to speed on the situation. Despite my leading questions and responses, uncle fails to fully catch on and I end up looking special needs to the principal.

​

C'mon, Throw Somethin' Else! (October 4, 2019)

​

Long-ago acquaintance Aaron, who is white, hits a black guy with his car (on accident) and is immediately deemed a racist. I try to make people see he's just a crap driver, to no avail, and continue to stand up for him when trouble brews. As I'm walking away, I sense something  and flip around suddenly—another acquaintance, Delvin, has thrown a soda can at me, which I coolly block! I feel so badass I'm not even mad at Delvin.