Night Visions, September 2020

"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.'" -- Ben Franklin

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

PLEASE Be In The Freezer (September 30, 2020)

I tell Kathleen Robertson (Clare from Beverly Hills, 90210) she is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, but before she can really react, we skip to me at the 1250 unable to find dead cats I stored for a science project.

Don't Lie To Rick (September 29, 2020)

Former NBA star Rick Fox shows up at the 1250, asking what guest is on The Tonight Show. I'm not sure, but for some reason I lie and say Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Fox doesn't believe me and we watch the monologue with him clearly upset about the fib. Skip to me working at Domino's Pizza; one such pizza is missing two slices. When I alert management, somebody simply throws two mismatched slices on top of the pizza and scurries off.

I ask, "Does anyone else work hard around here?" When all I'm met with is mocking laughter, I quit on the spot (but do not strip naked).

Thank You For Being A...Non-Communicative Weirdo (September 27, 2020)

I call in to the Greg Papa radio show (as Skillz The FedEx Guy) and record the entire lengthy call on my phone. For some reason, I include the fictional story of a colleague delivering vampire blood and getting it all over his uniform. I play back the recording; not only is it interrupted, but now there's also mysterious nude pix of me by a campfire in the phone...good Lord.

Skip to The Golden Girls; Sophia has a date but Dorothy reads about him in the newspaper—evidently, he's lied about everything from being in prison to being divorced to having kids. But Dorothy doesn't know how to break this to her mother, so she just grabs a bat and starts whacking baseballs around the house until Sophia figures it out.

WAS Today A Good Day? (September 26, 2020)

Old classmate Zante calls "Ice Cube" (Spike Lee) a f--, which sparks a fight. INV, I am friends with both of them, so I move in to break things up and we all wind up posing for pics together.

Next, buddy Paul and I are passing our old middle school when a tree falls on a parked car. For some inexplicable reason, I decide to taunt the unharmed dog inside (rather than, gee I don't know, rescuing him) and in response, he leaps out through the roof all wound up. Luckily for me, he is not out for blood. Paul and I both repeatedly screw up calling 911, even pressing 119 at one point.

Finally, a former softball teammate keeps deliberately messing up my attempt to create a running event on Meetup.com, so I slam his head against the desk repeatedly and throw him against a wall. Folks...I got some issues.

What Does It LOOK LIKE I'm Doing? (September 24, 2020)

I pose for a pic with S.F. Bay Area radio hosts Bonta, Steiny, Guru, Damon, Ratto and Kolsky of 95.7 The Game. A female hand touches me, and I'm intrigued until learning it is actually Steiny's hand. When the pic is snapped, we head to the elevator—I somehow end up on my stomach rolling through the doors (Bonta: "What's this n---- doing?")

On the second floor, a few past and present buds meet me and inform me my mom has joined our Fantasy Football league, and that I'm now responsible for passing water bottles to the Las Vegas Raiders. Which turns out to be an epic fail on my part.

Next, I'm in The Office arguing with Phyllis (not Angela?) over morals. I also inadvertently get a dude fired for sniffing a freshly painted hallway, and he vows to kill Michael.

Finally, I field ground balls with ex-major leaguer Mark Lemke and my grandmother while memorizing lyrics to "What A Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers.

Did I EXPECT Classy? (September 23, 2020)

Things begin with me in prison; every other prisoner is black, too. We all head down a hallway to see a fight...until I decide I don't want to be in prison anymore and just walk away. Next thing I know, I'm at the vacated 1250 in search of a prostitute. Several take turns trying to arouse me, but they're too trashy and I lose interest.

Skip to a TV bus; detective Elliot Stabler from SVU is undercover, but some terrorists force the bus to stop outside the 1250, take Stabler, and work on torturing him. I'm not at all curious why my childhood home is on TV.

Speaking of the 1250, things end with Joe, Lo and Dibs of the eponymous radio show (and their producer Anna) deep-frying hamburgers on the staircase, even though I wanted to fry fish.

What Happened To Sharing? (September 21, 2020)

I'm at some business posing for a pic with S.F. Giants legends Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell and two other folk. Some nine-year-old girl snaps the pic on her personal camera and starts to leave with it; I have to negotiate with her to get the pic sent to me, ultimately paying $9.

How 'Bout I Just Bring The Rice? (September 17, 2020)

Following a weird taxi ride, we skip to my friend Danelle accepting her honey's proposal. I immediately declare myself the wedding planner, but within five minutes realize I'm in WAY over my head and try to weasel out of it without looking bad. 

Next, I show up at some geek-filled office with a broken laptop, hoping to become the "sports guy". No one pays me any mind.

Lastly, without warning, I'm shoved inside a prison cell with a handful of very large, very angry men. Apparently we're set to fight to the death. Not wanting to fight to the death at that particular moment, I tell the guard Idiocracy-style that I'm supposed to be getting OUT of prison. He quickly sets me free and even gives me an oversized screwdriver as a parting gift.

Outside, a woman asks me to buy her a Pepsi from the Shell station nearby. Me: "Are you banned from there?" She sheepishly nods.

I Fought The Law And I Won (September 11-16, 2020)

Sprinting me away from some shady youths, my IRL bud Fleazoe crashes head-on into a school bus, bounces off and continues on. Also, my mother has me arrested and I fight the cops outside the 1250. Then Judge Marilyn Milian (The People's Court), Josie and I share a bed as she presides over a case, but Milian eventually accuses me of being a pedo and supplies "evidence" from my file.

That Won't Help The Relationship (September 10, 2020)

Bay Area radio host Bonta Hill is greatly annoyed when I ask him if former co-host Greg Papa just up and left him to work at another station (true IRL). Hill: "See, this is why I ain't down with you." Papa also happens to be nearby eating lunch when this question is asked, and he responds by mocking me more than once.

Later, Hill is taking a dump and asks me to pack his CD's. I do, inside a Ziploc containing two small turds (semi-accidentally).

Frozen III (September 8, 2020)

It's Beverly Hills, 90210 and Dylan has a date with Clare—which she misses. Turns out all the clocks in the country (except Dylan's, evidently) froze on 8:00 am that day.

Stairs From Now On (September 7, 2020)

I am tasked with transporting NBA superstar Stephen Curry from the movies to the arena. As I arrive at the mall to search for him, I use a minuscule, top-closing elevator that my fat literally blocks from shutting until I really suck everything in.

"Whip" Cream On Your Breakfast? (September 2, 2020)

I have returned to my armed courier job, but no one is allowed to use a truck without daily clearance from a panel. I finally get my approval and go to refuel—only to accidentally bump into a fire truck at an adjacent pump while reversing. For their silence, the three firefighters demand I bring them food the next day. I agree, but when one of them (the drug store manager from The Good Girls) gets too obnoxious, I pistol-whip him in front of his boys.