Night Visions, September 2022
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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(Dates of awakening listed)
Shaq, Shel & Skillz (September 30, 2022)
One minute, I'm playing with toys with my cousin Gaelan, who has reverted back to age 5 from his IRL age of 28. The next minute, I'm having snacks with Shaquille O'Neal as we plan a Meetup activity with sportswriter Ramona Shelburne. The minute after that, I'm in a storage room with Vladimir Putin, both of us singing along to a funny song that plays. Finally, I'm driving a bus on an expressway and hurriedly sorting baseball cards whenever able to stop...fun times.
Later on, I return to slumber, scheming to invite friends over (?). Soon, I have to take my INV girlfriend home—on my back for some reason—but I enter the wrong door to her building and end up in some guy's apartment. Making matters worse, I have to exit out his front door because his cat caused $8,000 in damage freaking out over our presence. (I'm as confused as you are.)
Might Be Crowded Tomorrow Too, Skillz (September 26, 2022)
Back in high school but in San Jose, I lose my wallet, and then decide to leave early due to the crowd at school...yes, you read that right. As I walk through town back home, I encounter a dumpster with a kid in it. Sure enough, I take a chance that my wallet is there too, and it is! (I do/say nothing to or about the kid, though.)
The next day, while walking to school, I decide to stop in a sports card shop along the way. Unfortunately, I'm told they're "out of" baseball cards. WTF??
Final scenes include local radio hosts Damon, Ratto & Kolsky debating the Top 13 comedians of all-time, and—fittingly enough—comedian George Wallace helping me install a bidet at the 1250.
I Should Have A Birthday EVERY Year (September 25, 2022)
Legendary cartoon character Hank Hill challenges a large fisherman to a fight at the 1250; he believes the guy intentionally rammed his (Hank's) wife Peggy's car with his car. Nothing comes of this, however, and we skip to me celebrating my birthday.
For some reason, ex-Cowboys lineman Erik Williams is present and is very good to me (despite my 49ers fandom). Also present is my ex, who gives it up to me twice!
In the final scene, my old baseball league returns to action. In our first game, I only get to bat once, but in between innings I station myself down the left field line and catch several foul balls—protecting the dome of another player with one such grab. I do not receive a thank you, fittingly.
Even The Simpsons Have TWO Outfits (September 23, 2022)
A party is underway at Kaiser Hospital; I lose all my clothes save for my boxers, and am driven home by my friends the Bonillas. They then drive me back the next day in my old IRL Dodge Neon to get my clothes—apparently I have no others since I am wearing a gown inside the hospital. My embarrassed friends (who are still there for some reason) ignore me, but strangers at least greet and acknowledge me.
Things end with a skip to me playing some video game starring Sonic The Hedgehog, Scooby-Doo and Mario.
Wait Til She Sees Me Recycle (September 20, 2022)
General Hospital icon Jacklyn Zeman is overseeing a class I'm attending when she receives news her love interest has passed away. Her mood, understandably, instantly changes for the worse until she sees me tossing my chicken bones in the trash. Zeman is moved by my cleanliness and returns to her usual self.
What??? It Was Cold In Here! (September 18, 2022)
General Hospital mobster Sonny decides to set his rival Alcazar's face on fire, then sees fit to stick him in his fireplace. I don't like what I'm seeing and set out for a game of coed hoops, in which I do well for once in a Night Vision. But my ballin' comes to a sudden end when I learn Hall-of-Fame pitcher Dennis Eckersley died. I wail loudly and uncontrollably, confusing the other players.
You Own The Beach, Klay? (September 16, 2022)
In some mystery house, my old IRL pal Fleazoe is mad after receiving a phone call about "paying his bills". Soon, another pal Dan and I hear Fleazoe screaming in the front yard, still agitated over the call despite Dan's attempts to calm him.
Skip to a strange beach scene where NBA star Klay Thompson is inquiring about a trespasser; his only clues are a blue handle of some kind, a wig, and some off-brand eggnog. Me and some random boy take the items for "further investigation", knowing full well they will lead us nowhere.
Death By Slurpee??? (September 15, 2022)
Thomas Calabro (Michael from Melrose Place) is a lousy therapist; his daughter, me and my mother endure a horror trip to 7-Eleven just to get items we need to "take him down". But instead of returning to Calabro's office, I end up in a classroom led by local sports talk host Damon Bruce; he and I end up tackling two kids who decide to fight.
All Right, Crew...Grab Your Mops (September 13, 2022)
The Yankees are practicing in a parking lot; I encourage Yankees superstar Aaron Judge to join my Giants in 2023. He responds by throwing a ball very far. This tells me nothing in regards to his 2023 plans.
Soon, a game starts—Judge's teammate Giancarlo Stanton smokes a key double which vanishes in the vast lot. I, and others, tire of searching for it and opt to clean a nearby McDonald's instead.
Leftovers For Millionaires (September 9, 2022)
I have smoothies with Modern Family stars Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Julie Bowen until the latter leaves. I then prepare to serve Ferguson some food from my fridge until discovering it is moldy. He then departs as well, with me forgetting to give his Christmas gift. Sorry, Jesse...I'm usually not such a dunce.
Skip to me in a (minor) bus crash, seated between two people who are STRONGLY opposed to whatever the other says and won't stop arguing.
Scan Your Surroundings Next Time (September 8, 2022)
I break the window of some shop while practicing pitches, but the owner just "writes it off". Entering the business, I find local sports talk hosts Damon & Ratto badmouthing the wife of an INV San Francisco 49er...who just so happens to be nearby and confronts them. They QUICKLY recant.
"Quit Playing Games And LISTEN!" (September 6, 2022)
I find myself playing baseball with past and present NBA veterans Festus Ezeli, Kelenna Azubuike and Draymond Green, as well as IRL pal Marilynn. I strike the latter out with a weak slider, which prompts Green to insult Ezeli for some reason.
Next, 49ers general manager John Lynch struggles to get hotel rooms (and packages) to his players, but finally does and leaves me in charge of room cards. ESPN reporter Mina Kimes approaches as I have difficulty locating INV player "Bacera's" card, so I distract Kimes by praising Lynch over and over again to the point she seems troubled by it. WIN!
Skip to a Golden State Warriors championship parade. Ex-Warriors guard Steve Blake, who is white, calls some other participant a "White Stupid Bitch Monkey", which gets him in hot water. Things mercifully end with me forcing my grandma to listen to the Backstreet Boys while my Banquet frozen dinner cooks.
Sound = Pound (September 4, 2022)
Things begin with me playing in the Novice Baseball League, where everyone except me is utterly terrible at catching and throwing the ball. When I make a couple of basic, routine plays, I'm feted over like some big star. Can't say it didn't feel good.
Skip to the 1250, where I listen to a live recording of The Rob, Arnie & Dawn Show while a tech pro works on theskillzreport.com. When the tekkie bad-mouths some of my work, I promise to pound him if he makes another sound. He makes another sound a few seconds later; commence pounding. And by "pounding", I mean "landing punches with the strength and technique of a pigeon".
Things close with me ordering crepes from our local IHOP, only to watch some mentally ill guy park himself at my booth while I wait. When I stand up to grab a magazine, the same guy quickly steals my seat as well. WTF?! I finally get my crepes and take them to the patio, where—as I gorge—I happily re-watch One Life To Live's Todd get called out by Viki for essentially holding Marty prisoner.
Thanks For Not Killing Me, Rambo (September 3, 2022)
I work as a security agent at a downtown post office, and our task that day is cuffing and detaining anyone who enters the place for any reason. (???) Several innocent people, including my mama and a very perturbed Sylvester Stallone, are caught up in the sweep—the motivation behind which is never explained.
I Must Hallucinate Things (September 1, 2022)
Working at a trash dump, one of my young colleagues is more than a little difficult, but we won't let him quit since, to quote Law & Order's Cutter about Detective Green, he was "worth saving". But eventually he gets stuck on some machinery high up in the air; at that point we cut our losses and get on with our workday.
When the shift ends, I enter our co-ed locker room and encounter an old IRL classmate, who we'll call "Laurie". Just for the heck of it, I smooch the heck out of Laurie—something I fantasized about back in the day—when she approaches to greet me. She's not upset.
I eventually return to the 1250, where some random old man expresses his desire to see Vanilla Ice's Christmas special. When I comment about having seen it myself, Gramps angrily replies "NO, YOU HAVEN'T!" Okay, then.