Night Visions, August 2021
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Watch Your Back, Heinz (August 30, 2021)
At some small shop, I stumble into my cousin, who apparently works there and is being bullied. More questioning and "investigating" leads me to discover that General Hospital mobster Sonny Corinthos is running a tomato "operation" in town and is indirectly responsible for my cousin's troubles. Before anything is resolved...
...skip to some parking lot, where I'm tasked with organizing Dr. Dre's car (by whom is unclear). As I work, Dre strides up and suspects me of stealing, but once I prove my innocence, he calms down and shows me his card of NBA legend Tim Hardaway Sr. I share a story about Hardaway with a punchline, but it falls astoundingly flat.
Thanks...Jerk (August 28, 2021)
I'm standing in my partially-submerged 1250 bedroom, bouncing a ball four-square style with three others. The ball gets away and of all people, Shakira returns it to us from the next room. Me: "If I was fit, I'D be a dancer!" Shakira kind of half-smiles, then mutters "...but you're not" as she walks away. It kind of stings.
Things end with my bud Juan and others being kicked out of his ex-wife's wedding for being loud, me being flirted with by a high school classmate who never knew I existed IRL, and a video game version of Michael Jordan's 1998 Chicago Bulls crushing somebody.
That's A Lax Lockup (August 27, 2021)
After playing some Super Nintendo in prison with my cousin, I start driving and wind up at the school of my IRL bud Jon's son. Which wouldn't ordinarily be a big deal if they didn't live over five hours away by car. Though shocked, Jon allows me to stay (isn't that the TEACHER'S call?) and I try to make myself useful to the class for a few minutes.
Eventually I'm ready to leave but my car has a flat tire. As I call AAA, the police arrive and change the flat tire...only to become suspicious when they realize I'm not a school employee/parent. For a couple seconds, it seems like they're going to put the flat tire back on, but I awaken at that point.
Could Safeway Be...UNsafe?? (August 24, 2021)
We begin with me at the 1250, supervising the four oldest children of my pals Ryan and April. All is well until the oldest, Aiden, somehow gets the impression that nobody will drive him to Safeway to cash his check (?). So when his parents return, we all decide to hit up Target and presumably, Safeway, with me following them in a separate vehicle.
For reasons known only to him, however, Ryan decides to bypass an empty road to cut through a crowded church lot, causing me to lose him and return home. There, he calls me and explains that he couldn't bring himself to stop at Safeway, causing Aiden to erupt at him. Fun times...
I Got Jacked, All Right (August 22, 2021)
I show off a new railroad crossing to a senior citizen before walking to a nearby Jack In The Box. There, while standing in line with a mystery bag of Doritos, some punk employee steals said Doritos and takes a couple before I snatch them back. Next, I return home to an INV episode of The A-Team, where the team is hired by some teenager to retrieve her dad's body. I can't bring myself to watch most of the tear-jerking scenes.
This is followed by me accidentally grabbing the phone of ESPN's Joe Fortenbaugh in a fit of anger; I return it to him ASAP but there's password issues and Fortenbaugh is highly displeased with me. We wrap at a mall in San Francisco, where I am forced to repeatedly switch between a bike and a car to exit. Upon reaching the streets, I find some guys were nice enough to "fix" my car while I was biking—meaning they replaced the white trunk with a beige one.
"Clothes" The Door! (August 21, 2021)
With no context whatsoever, I find myself high in an office building pushing Warriors forward Draymond Green to a secret meeting in a laundry basket. Then I'm asked to draw jerseys of other NBA stars until somebody notices I somehow drew Stephen Curry's #30 as #301.
Screw The Man (August 19, 2021)
On the porch of some house, I catch a man stealing a rug and demand he drop it. He refuses, and my punches only lead to mockery, so I push him down the stairs to his death. Minutes later the police arrive, and the man PLUS some boy are lying dead under sheets. Once the cops are satisfied I didn't kill the boy, they let me go entirely.
Steve Needs Some Tea (August 18, 2021)
In my apartment complex parking lot, an old classmate from WAY back, Steve, is about to pursue a group of teens with a shotgun for unknown reasons. I restrain him and advise him to take my bat instead so if any teens accuse him of having the gun, he can "prove otherwise". To my surprise, he does swap the gun for the bat...but then chases the teens with it. I'm too fat to keep up.
Next, back in the lot, I'm loading a Pepsi delivery into my car when 49ers general manager John Lynch appears. I praise him and congratulate him on his Hall of Fame election, but he has trouble hearing most of my words and thinks I'm trying to give him Pepsi. End visions.
Um...WHY Are You Still Here, 45? (August 15, 2021)
This was a strange and detailed one.
Things begin with me and dozens of others on the street; some woman needs the Heimlich maneuver and I come through...just in time to be mistaken for a member of her group. Turns out that all these people on the street are gathered in groups to meet President Biden, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. "My" group, which also includes old IRL baseball teammates Cav and Leland, is ushered inside a White House hallway to meet Trump.
Inside, much is made of a raffle taking place at the end of the White House tour. We're fed, given booze and led further and further down the hall into the bowels of the White House. Eventually Trump appears and asks me "You work hard to support your family, huh?" I respond with a hearty "Yup!" and we're taken to play softball somewhere on the property. But when a couple of people goof off a bit, the softball is cancelled before it really even begins and we return to the hall.
By now, Cav is sick of the tour and decides to book it with his softball gear. A few minutes later he returns, complaining that his stuff was confiscated and they wouldn't let him leave. It's just as well, because after we pass Trump sitting in the middle of an empty room doing absolutely nothing, we reach the hallway exit back outside. It's unsecured, and a small child dashes through the door before it closes.
Then it's time for our group's raffle drawing...which turns out to be one member playing dominoes on the ground. I just walk away.
Please Tell Me Nobody's Filming This (August 14, 2021)
At some movie theater, I'm baseball star Craig Kimbrel, tasked with keeping some toddler safe. I do so by standing near the screen in full uniform and reacting if the toddler—who I don't even know—so much as moves in his seat.
Eventually I become myself again and play 3-on-3 hoops with NFL legend Bill Romanowski and four randoms; my team initially trails but we eventually gain a 72-62 advantage. At this time Romanowski, who is an opponent, gets fed up and we all decide to end the game right there. Outside the gym, Romo and I hug it out, however, with me uncontrollably sobbing like somebody died.
Next, I end up on some property, where my boys Juan and Arnell are working hard on constructing a shed. Also present is my cousin with his dogs, one of whom died IRL a few months ago. I'm obviously confused but cousin explains nothing and the dog is, well, difficult to look at. From there, I shop for cereal with my IRL godson Ashton, but Halloween stuff is where the cereal should be and Ashton keeps running away until he's "adopted" by his own parents, who I didn't even know were there.
Things wrap with the frenzied escape of workers from a partially-collapsed apartment building. One guy is unconscious or worse near the collapse, but no one seems to care including me, who's occupied consoling a cute tenant in a bikini.
Now Who's Gonna Clean That Up? (August 13, 2021)
Across from the 1250, a company dance is being held featuring various celebs and people from my past. One participant is 49ers announcer Greg Papa, who is struggling to slow dance even as I bark, "You don't even know how to lead? LEAD!" Eventually things are interrupted by some large ghetto chick, but fortunately my cousin arrives to "dance" with her. And by "dance" I mean hook-slam her repeatedly with one arm. After the last one, I hit the ground referee-style and execute a three-count, making my cousin the "winner".
Papa The Multitasker (August 12, 2021)
At my mom's, I'm tasked with finding a mystery cat outside around 2am. Once that's complete, I join legendary broadcaster Greg Papa for a convenience store game of Bomberman as he calls a Raiders game.
Uh...Pass Is Complete? (August 10, 2021)
Nothing much, just me supervising the custody exchange of the child belonging to Ryan and Greenlee from All My Children in the 1250 kitchen.
Come Back; The Toys Aren't For ME! (August 8, 2021)
At the INV home of Giants pitcher Alex Wood, I accidentally break a wooden Klay Thompson decoration and offer to replace it with my own. But since Wood's dad doesn't like me, he refuses to accept the replacement. (?) I make way to a local psychiatry office and discuss new property being built with Joe, Lo and Dibs from 95.7 The Game (San Francisco). But when I stop to briefly rummage through a pile of discarded toys/games, the trio ditches me.
Guess I Earned It (August 6, 2021)
I assist with a supermarket spill, make way to the arcade area, and literally carry an employee into the theater area for smooches without a single word.
Ol' Sympathetic Skillz (August 5, 2021)
For what condition I don't know, but a pregnant nurse treats me and then curls up around me and goes to sleep. Later, I enter the 1250 garage and find both my uncle Bubba and One Life To Live character Asa Buchanan locked inside. After freeing them, I shoot hoops outside as my grandma openly worries about her sister "I don't know what I'd do without her." Me: "I don't know what you'd do without THIS, either!" as I bury a three-pointer.
Elementary School Dropout (August 1, 2021)
I'm in 4th grade, and the coronavirus is so bad at my school that they've removed a gate from its hinges. (?) I decide I've had enough of this and plow through a teacher and student to make my exit, ending up at a Burger King with my mama. Orders are being taken outside.
We wait momentarily until a uniformed cop emerges to take our order; he then has us wait inside the restaurant. There, at least three staffers sit asleep at tables and more than one customer has mini-tentacles where their fingers should be. I prepare for a long wait for my meal.