Instant Christ (July 31, 2021)

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After a softball/BBQ event attended by folks I have not seen in years IRL, I pretend to listen to pointers from unqualified people on how to improve my ribs.  Next, in the 1250 garage, my Uncle Bubba has instructed me to swing a giant hammer—like the kind at carnivals—in an effort to improve my strength. While this is going on, another uncle is arguing with someone outside; the someone runs off, returns, then flees when he sees me and my "new muscle".

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Shortly after that, a couple of different people approach the garage asking if Uncle #2 would like to change his life through religion. He surprisingly gives them the time of day while I continue swinging my hammer like a good boy. A bit later, now under the influence of Jesus apparently, Uncle #2 instructs me to quietly drive his Cadillac "away from" the 1250.

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I Am NOT Your Father (July 30, 2021)

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While walking through a Target-type store, some small boy latches onto my leg and won't let go. I'm forced to violently shake/yank him off of me, making sure to "accidentally" feel up his mom (seated nearby) while doing so.

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Eventually, I make my way to a storage room. The employees are happy about getting their work done until I notice a box of pantyhose is exceeding its 150-pound limit by 10 pounds. Nobody's too concerned until I point out the whole building will explode if anything in that room is past its weight limit. Just then, the air gets weird, as if an explosion is imminent. Fully expecting to die, I book it.

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In what I believe to be final moments, is my mind on my daughter? No. My mom? No. My other friends and family? No. All I can think about as I exit the store is "accidentally" touching that woman again. I have issues.

 

Get Outta My Dreams AND My Car (July 28, 2021)

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There I am, walking back to my station wagon (?), when it starts to back away—two women are trying to drive off in it. I try to verbally stop them, but they essentially ignore me and continue backing out until I open the door, reach over the driver, put the car in park and take the keys. They continue to argue until I point out my jeans sitting inside the car...which are actually theirs, prompting more arguing from the duo.

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Eventually, I point out all the OTHER stuff in the car which is mine, and demand the women leave. When they still hesitate, I open the driver door and that gal falls out. Then I physically pull the passenger out, dump all their stuff on the ground, and make my exit. On the way out, one woman tries to "hail" me for a ride, but I give her the finger and continue on.

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(This is the third time in five days a Night Vision has featured some female entering my ride without permission. What that means is anybody's guess.)

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SUCCESS...At A Cost (July 26, 2021)

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I'm working as a junk remover. At one house, I enter a basement, remove the junk, and start loading it...only to find the semi-attractive homeowner sitting in the cab of the vehicle. So, hoping to get her to leave, I do what any sensible person would do in this spot and smooch her. She does leave...but then slaps my ass as I finish loading the junk.

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Next, skip to some hospital room. A teen girl has died in front of her loved ones, and her BFF freaks out and commandeers the body until being dragged away. IDK where the hell this stuff comes from.

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You're On Your Own, Kid (July 24, 2021)

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It's a scene of NCIS taking place down the street from the 1250. Two agents, who happen to be black males, are working on disarming a bomb when it explodes, killing one of them and causing their fellow agents confusion because they don't know which one is which. I decide to whisk a Caucasian preteen girl away from the scene toddler-style, until realizing what it might look like and ditching her.

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BEEP BEEP (July 23, 2021)

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In the middle of a large half-dirt, half-desert space reminiscent of Road Runner cartoons, NBA star Kevin Durant runs at full speed, hoping to "improve (his) reputation". How that would work is not explained.

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Skip to some elementary school; soap character Joey Buchanan (One Life To Live) is being attacked in the bathroom by some thug until I rush in and beat said thug silly...fun times.

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Things end with the INV (female) bestie of another soap character, Steffi Forrester (The Bold & The Beautiful), being hired to satisfy Steffi's grandmother sexually. Granny's jaundice spoils the mood, however.

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Oh, And Bring My Ride Back (July 22, 2021)

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Outside my local grocery store, I upset the staff by checking out my own items, then exit to find my car in the process of being stolen. Before I can act, old IRL pal L.T. distracts me and the car is finally stolen.

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In some random camper, I chase the car through the streets before arriving at the 1250 and spotting it via some sky camera. The thief—evidently aware of the camera—asks me for mercy and I oblige provided I receive a sincere apology from her. But while she's mulling her options, I wake up.

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Beef Theef (July 21, 2021)

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Things begin at some random house where me and several buddies are kicking it. We decide to BBQ, and I decide rather than going to a store for some ground beef...why not retrieve some from the 1250, where I have not lived in forever??? My mission is somehow successful, but when I return to the house, it is now populated by former MLB star Hunter Pence.

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While the meat thaws, I try to create an accurate likeness of Pence for a video game, but he won't stay still.

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Bad Guys Get Hammered (July 20, 2021)

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Terrorists force me and other guys to write one of their wife's name in Arabic. I get fed up and take them all out with tools before speeding off. Later, Ned Flanders the tax collector vents to Homer Simpson about the painting he received of someone's "behind".

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Razors For Nothing And My Kicks For Free (July 16, 2021)

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I befriend the comedian Molly Lloyd while buying shoes and razors at Target, and take my place in line. The woman behind me is booted from the store for not wearing a mask; the cashier follows her out and then makes a call from some mystery booth. A cop car enters the store, and it immediately closes, so I take my stuff and split with the intent to pay later.

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Outside, I offer to escort Lloyd away from the weird semi-protest parking lot scene, but she declines and I wind up drinking iced coffee with my buddy Rob while listening to Phil Collins singing over the beat to "Jack & Diane" by John Mellencamp.

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That's A FORM Of Entertainment...(July 14, 2021)

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A speech from local radio host Rick Tittle to Raider fans is interrupted, and he's asked to take the company car to get drinks for the crowd. I'm on the scene as well, and spot five helicopters (presumably military) take flight in an effort to entertain the crowd. Next thing I know they're all crashing to the ground with me dodging the wreckage. The vision ends with sobbing widows pressed up against the copters as I look on.

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Distracted Pretty Easily (July 13, 2021)

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I'm busy at a local field warming up with MLB All-Stars when I spot a woman breastfeeding. After that I completely lose my coordination and repeatedly hit myself in the ear whenever throwing.

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Yeah, THAT'S Why I'm Not Eating The Beans (July 12, 2021)

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My old pal Ed is fired up as The Eurhythmics plays. I pretend to DJ more music and he hits me with rubber bands.

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Next, I'm a student at a school for slow kids. Despite that, I'm asked to help with an escaped classmate. Eventually he's corralled and returned to class while I'm ignored collapsed in the bushes. When I make my way back to class, the classmate is grubbing through my green beans and I skip lunch entirely.

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Want A Bite, Coach? (July 9, 2021)

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Josie is doing poorly driving a bus because she's indecisive (not because she's 11?), so the Golden State Warriors consider trading her. Evidently I think ex-Warriors coach George Karl can help and I prepare to co-interview him in a professional kitchen, but when I pause to eat some chocolate bread sitting out, my partner takes over the interview and I get no words in.

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Lastly, I help an All My Children character preserve and implant her eggs in a car somehow. Her partner is thankful.

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His Middle Name, Perhaps? (July 6, 2021)

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Josie asks me about the actor Dean Cain, so I explain. She has a sleepover with some weird contraption at the 1250; I apologize to all for "stealing money". Then I watch the IRL not-yet-released 2021 United State of Pop mashup called "Colour Of Love", filmed mostly in black and white.

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Finally, Kramer from Seinfeld picks one of my hoop outfits for a big announcement, which is never heard.

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I'm Sorry, Whoever You Are (July 4, 2021)

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I'm making ribs, but am interrupted by Jerry Rice, who wants to talk quarterbacks and The Young & The Restless. Somehow this offends an Italian chef who had been assisting me without my knowledge.

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No Time For Skillz (July 3, 2021)

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In a liquor store, I play "basketball" which is throwing a straw object into a trash can. But my opponent quits to smoke outside and when I return inside, it is now a sporting goods store run by Bonta Hill and Kate Scott of 95.7 The Game (San Francisco Bay Area). I try to help, but neither of them will let me near the register.

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Fliers, Not Criers (July 1, 2021)

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As I sit in my mom's apartment, I learn on TV that a no-name Baltimore Oriole has been stabbed to death and break into sobs. Mama returns totally unconcerned with my sobbing; rather, she wants to discuss the fliers she'd been distributing to her neighbors (very late at night). Then Rick Schroder needs an address, but I accidentally give him 292 instead of 892.

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