Night Visions, November 2021

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Dodging Bullets!!! (November 29, 2021)

We begin at a baseball card shop; a man is angry at the staff over the vacant building next door (which they apparently also own). Eventually he leaves...and returns with a gun. I initially try sneaking out of the shop on my belly, but the lunatic catches me, puts the gun to my head, and spouts nonsense about wasted space. Before the matter can be resolved...

...skip to me and a couple of mob guys. I owe the boss $200 but as soon as I pay him and start devouring a burger, his enforcer tries to kill us both by shooting us from the roof of a car. But before he can pull the trigger, he dies suddenly and I'm relieved because this burger is really good.

After the boss recovers from shock ("He was gonna kill us, Skillz! He was gonna kill us, Skillz!"), we lead the cops to the enforcer's corpse, which in that short period of time has been stashed against a wall and dressed up like a totem pole by God knows who.

Things end with a little boy on The Jay Leno Show having his dandruff treated with literal fire.

Who Shot The Video?? (November 28, 2021)

Using some guy's truck, I show up at The Price Is Right studios and am chosen for some game involving throwing marbles in a bucket. It's way more complicated than it should be and I wind up botching it; even the potential to win $10K isn't enough to keep me from storming off the set and out of the studio. On the way to the truck, I'm intercepted by a TPIR producer who claims all contestants receive $750 checks, but I won't even stop to accept that.

I return to the truck and start to exit, but angry protesters line/block my path for reasons I cannot grasp. Finally returning home, I read that the owner of the truck I used was caught on video spreading herpes, hence the protesters.

I WISH I Were That Strong (November 24, 2021)

Just some random unprovoked violence from yours truly.

My 5th-grade teacher Mr. Kleine is now a college professor, but a student gives a WAAAY long-winded answer. I finally try to shut her up, but she keeps talking until I physically shut her mouth with my hand. This prompts a racist comment from a classmate, so I lift her entire seat up (with her still in it) and drop it in such a way that she bangs the crap out of her head on the floor.

I flee, only for the now-bald Mr. Kleine to track me down and lecture me on manners.

Who Invited The Spaz? (November 22, 2021)

In the 1250 driveway, an INV guy I hate falls in some acid, but I still call 911. The fire department arrives and refers to the guy as my "friend", which I QUICKLY correct as they rescue him. Somehow he's barely affected by the acid and thinks it's all funny, which makes me hate him even more.

Skip to my INV job at FedEx; I refuse to climb a 64-foot box crusher and am fired. With my afternoon free, I return home and help recreate the "Caribbean Queen" (by Billy Ocean) video with my INV roommates. Halfway through, Lionel Richie appears, accidentally breaks a plant, and freaks out—which I think is all part of the script until someone corrects me.

Dropped Out Over Food (November 21, 2021)

In high school, I rage at a trio of lunch line cutters, but end up buying one of their lunches as a way of apologizing. Still, fear of retaliation envelops me and I soon drop out of school entirely.

You'd Be "WISE" To Listen! (November 19, 2021)

After some General Hospital stuff, I find myself working my old armed courier job. Back at the office, two vault guys get into a physical fight, which distracts me long enough to allow two random women to just enter the building. Since they look like they belong, I don't push the issue.

Skip to me driving through town blasting NSYNC until reaching a performance by Bachman Turner Overdrive. Outside the concert, I toss a ball around with a couple of kids even though I'm terrified to the bone someone will accuse me of being a pedophile. After a while I tire of playing catch, track down Warriors center James Wiseman, and try to build his confidence. Eventually he loses interest and just nods so I'll shut up.

Yeah, I'm Shallow (November 14, 2021)

I'm walking around Market St. in San Francisco, which is being pummeled by rain. After saving a young woman from three comically small thugs, I prepare to give my umbrella to three other women up the way...until they turn around reveal themselves to be ugly. 

Lastly, I (verbally) fight with my mom and the INV cop friend of my buddy Raff over god knows what, then dig through some INV classic baseball cards.

I Will Not Fear The Reaper (November 13, 2021)

In line at the store, I turn around and Jennifer Lopez is behind me as if it's no big deal. I check out, drive to the 1250, walk back to the store, and twice repeat the trip with different cars—blaring 70's power ballads in each one. Don't ask me.

I Guess She's Not A Gymnast (November 11, 2021)

We begin with me, IRL buddy Ash, and local sports radio host Bonta Hill at the Oakland Coliseum for an A's game. As we sit, we are ushered to a section with a giant canopy to protect us from the deluge of rain pouring down. Me: "If it's raining, why are they still playing the game?" After the staff confers, the rain ceases as if they were controlling it, and the canopy vanishes. Within a few minutes, I've caught six foul balls barehanded, given five of them to kids, and been thanked by exactly one of them. Ungrateful brats.

Next is an episode of a new Jerry Seinfeld sitcom, where he's dating someone played by Brooke Shields. When the date reveals she has artificial legs, I go crazy trying to figure out if they edited in a legless actress for those scenes, or simply edited out Shields' legs.

Finally, it's an episode of a new Jason Alexander/Michael Richards ensemble sitcom; the first scene ends with Richards on top of Alexander smothering him with a pillow as everyone else calmly eats at the dinner table.

Oh, Crap!! (November 10, 2021)

In my old closet at the 1250, a toilet has been installed, so I take a dump. Actress Rena Sofer shows up outside the door and wants me for something which may or may not be sexual, which obviously intrigues me. But every attempt at cleaning only produces more and more poo and I hear Sofer leave. Boo.

Later, me and an accomplice attempt to rob a bookstore. I shoot some skank in the leg and lock her in a back room, but after that my gun will not work and no one takes my orders seriously.

He Wasn't Even My Friend...WTH?? (November 7, 2021)

Former IRL classmate Daniel wets himself in class and is dissed by the teacher, so I slap her and await penalty. When a cop comes for me, I slug him and return to the 1250 for another arrest attempt. Eventually two other cops show up and take me away without even bothering to cuff me, and we have a nice conversation about sports on the way to (presumably) jail.

Another Cosby Lie (November 5, 2021)

At my 1250 bedroom, Phylicia Rashad is chillin' in silk pajamas. I'm reluctant to refer to her as a "legend" but when I do, she beams, and proceeds to tell me stories about "Justin Smith"—which apparently is Bill Cosby's real name.

Vacancy At Access Hollywood (November 4, 2021)

I am distraught at the news that the Arizona Diamondbacks might be folding, but it turns out all they're doing is putting a pro wrestler in charge of running the team. Soon, pals Dave, Steve and I are beating said wrestler and two other dudes in a physical game of hoops, which leads to the wrestler trying to kill us with bows and arrows. Ultimately, I impale him with a piece of wood, and for good measure, I also impale Mario Lopez who happens to be nearby.

Am I Paid For Any Of This? (November 3, 2021)

I rescue a slew of San Francisco Giants legends from...something, then enforce the rules at an Oracle Park tour including the Halloween section which is still up for some reason. Then, after a game of pickup baseball with old IRL teammate Danny which is ruined by a swarm of strangers, a cricket enters Josie's hermit crab tank, completely sheds its skin, and escapes. Whatever.