Sha-Na-Na-Na (October 27, 2021)

 

The police place an intimidating version Michael Gross (the papa from Family Ties) under house arrest, and they use me to deliver the message. Gross soon rages but me and a group of terrified toys attack and defeat him. Josie then tosses the toys into some void and life goes on as usual.

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They Had No Business Throwing It Away (October 26, 2021)

 

As Alan and Monica Quartermaine from General Hospital do their usual fussing, I enter the home of a gay couple without permission, retrieve a Ziploc bag of cooked ribs from their trash, and exit without speaking a single word.

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I'm Not Eating That (October 24, 2021)

 

After A's pitcher Sean Manaea throws a no-hitter, I find myself doing laundry with local radio host Bonta Hill. While this goes on, late A's broadcaster Ray Fosse gives us autographed baseballs (NICE), my old pal Jason—running a nearby snack shop—accuses me of paying him with a fake $20 (OOPS), and I strangle an INV ex who turns into ground beef (UH...).

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Sorry I Asked (October 21, 2021)

 

I stumble into a viewing for a woman; she is positioned so her family can pose a sleeping baby next to her and snap photos. I quickly exit and find myself at another viewing; this one is for a dog, and a couple half-falls, half-floats from high above the proceedings.

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Curious as to what the hell the couple was doing, I e-mail the mortuary, who essentially tells me (in barely civil language) to mind my own business and focus on the dead dog—whom they're kind enough to attach a photo of. Beleaguered, I opt for one more viewing...of baseball cards; my mood improves upon discovering cards signed by former A's stars Dennis Eckersley and Bob Welch.

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Is My Lease Up Yet? (October 20, 2021)

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My cousin's IRL deceased dog is alive again, standing on my shoulders watching me eat then using my spoon to feed himself the minute I put my plate down.

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Next, I've moved in with what seems like the perfect suburban family. Briefly, I suspect the mom may be trying to seduce me when she slips away "to change clothes" but she emerges in a ratty robe and slippers. As time goes by, the family's perfection fades and they get mad at me first for daring to use a cup, and then for exposing their kids to professional sports. I know, I know, I'm impossible.

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Red Hot Chili Swipers (October 19, 2021)

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I'm living at the 1250, and Bay Area sports personality Jim Kozimor lives across the street. One night, I somehow saturate the area between our homes with trash, and though I diligently pick up as much as I can, the next day Koz confronts me about discarded chili found on his property. Thinking quickly, I lie that I had tried to leave chili AND a new set of dishes on his porch the night before—and obviously, some must have spilled when they were stolen off said porch! Kozimor happily buys the story and I avoid his wrath.

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Next, I find myself at an Asian restaurant, As a joke, I order a pantyhose massage (whatever that is exactly) from the server. Sure enough, a few minutes later she pushes out a massage table and a new package of hosiery; at that point—despite being a little curious—I decide to inform her I was kidding. She leaves and returns with some god-awful food I couldn't even identify.

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My Happiness BOTHERS You? (October 18, 2021)

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A young black female drives me on the bus; at first we have a nice chat until I unintentionally say something weird. She disengages quickly, and I decide to remain silent and smile for the trip's duration. Unfortunately, I screw this up as well, accidentally directing my smile at a group of freaked-out passerby on the street.

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Skip to some A-Team scenes; a musician complains that a fake B.A. played in his band. After initially listening quietly, the real B.A. realizes the imposter was actually him. He is clearly concerned with A) not remembering the band, and B) where/when/how he learned a musical instrument.

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Print Something Now, Doctor! (October 15, 2021)

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After some One Life To Live stuff where I save the day by finding a character's missing spaghetti sauce, I go to the hospital to have a new cyst removed. The doctor is a very smug and rude Jeff Goldblum; his condescension causes me to bail on the operation altogether—but not before pilfering a stack of blank paper from the hospital.

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You Can't Steal What I GIVE You (October 14, 2021)

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I find myself on my old middle school campus, playing four-square with some kids. Once the game ends, a girl tries to steal the ball, which belongs to me. I chase her down, retrieve the ball, walk about 150 feet away...then throw the ball back in her direction. That'll show her???

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The vision ends with me returning to the 1250, where Josie is wearing a strange wig and watching Saturday Night Live with my late granny.

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She's Delivering Justice! (October 13, 2021)

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As I trek from my parking lot to my apartment to drop some stuff off, I spot two "terrorists" walking up my stairs. So I do what anyone would do and alert the cute FedEx girl making a delivery a few yards away. It works—within seconds, she has arrested both men and I have become smitten. But when I return to the parking lot to make my move, the FedEx girl is driving off with my IRL buddy Greg, looking every bit in love...boo.

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Making matters worse, the stuff I'd carried up to my apartment is somehow still in my arms, meaning an extra trip upstairs. Damn it.

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Jaywalking, Assault AND Fraud! (October 11, 2021)

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Things open with me attending my high school reunion (Class of 1998!). We're all instructed to stand on our old gym class numbers, at which time I notice my cousin Rico is present despite graduating in 2004. Before I can inquire as to why, some random INV classmate demands I start reaching out to Rico more. I agree just to get her the hell away from me.

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During a lull, I walk to a nearby store for a bag of chips. As I walk back, I try to cross a dark but empty road...but am still nearly run over; the chips go flying about 20 feet in the air as I dodge the car. This inspires me to listen to the nutty woman and call Rico on a regular basis going forward.

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Skip to my INV apartment; two cutish ladies are doing maintenance work on a neighbor's unit, which gets me so horny that I force a smooch upon a (very spoken for) IRL acquaintance. WHICH I'D NEVER DO FOR REAL, PEOPLE.

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In closing, I am a young, bearded, Caucasian corporate employee who falsely claims responsibility for a financial crime in order to impress a woman who works there. I'm cuffed, arrested and led back to the 1250 which is doubling as a jail. At this point, I become through-and-through terrified that a fellow prisoner will gouge my eye out and try desperately to convince the cops my confession was false. I awaken before resolution, however.

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Trespassing Skillz (October 8, 2021)

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What I can remember at present: I sneak into Alex's house when she's not there as a prank/surprise. Eventually she and her parents return, and though they say little, they are clearly NOT HAPPY with my uninvited presence. Alex's mom leads me out; I repeatedly apologize and vow to never, ever do anything like this again but she does not thaw in the slightest and slams the door behind me.

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There was at least one other mention-worthy mention, but I failed to write it down and presently cannot recall it. Check back for an update, hopefully...

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Do I LOOK Like Pete Carroll To You?! (October 7, 2021)

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At the 1250, I lock a teen version of my late cousin Ashanti in a closet to protect her from a lunatic who's ranting loudly about Richard Sherman and the rest of the Seattle Seahawks. Eventually he's subdued, but I forget to let Ashanti out until her mama wonders where she went. When I open the door she is nearly sobbing and I feel like dog crap.

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Could That Be Why They Split? (October 5, 2021)

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At Target, I approach an elevator, near which an employee who unsuccessfully tried to date me icily stands. My prayers for no conflict are answered and I board the elevator. Immediately after stepping off on the second floor, I'm greeted by my buddy Aldo's long-ago ex, Tina. After some small talk, Tina, Aldo—who was loitering nearby—and I go back downstairs and outside, into a tent.

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Under flashlight, Tina spouts a bunch of questions and riddles that end with me holding a hunk of my own skid-marked toilet paper. After some adventures with a tilted/leaking washing machine at my apartment complex, the vision mercifully ends.

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"Becky, Is That New Jewelry?" (October 3, 2021)

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I decide to "change my life" and move into a nine-room cubed apartment. Then I interview for something in a full suit and tie with (what seems to be) a very important man. Whatever this was, it goes well, and as I walk out of the office I even smooch and make a date with some biracial gal near the exit. If only real life were that easy...

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Next, I upset my grandma when I reveal it's the birthday of Marvin Gaye Sr. (the father and murderer of the singer, who my grandma adored). Things end with a strange movie scene; about two dozen people are laying on a beach, which wouldn't be so strange if all but two of them weren't deceased. The surviving two wake up and don't compute the horror around them, not even the knife protruding from their friend's chest nearby.

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Bruh, You ENJOYED That, Huh? (October 1, 2021)

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I'm Fin from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and as I question a suspect/witness, an old woman somehow chokes Stabler unconscious with her bare arms/hands a few feet away. I stand and watch the attack, then slap Stabler back awake and tease him.