Night Visions, September 2021

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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Night Visions Hall Of Fame

 

 

(Dates of awakening listed)

Do Thieves Have NO Honor These Days?? (September 30, 2021)

Just me at the 1250, which is soon taken over by an Asian gang who demands anything of value in the house. I fully cooperate, even pointing things out to them, but as they leave one member stabs me in the shoulder area. Me: "I DID WHAT HE SAID AND HE STILL STABBED ME!!!" One of the cohorts looks at me as if to say "we're so sick of that guy's crap".

Debit THAT, Punk! (September 29, 2021)

At the 1250, I watch as LeBron James dominates a game of hoops despite having two full grocery bags attached to his arms. Eventually I get fed up with this spectacle so I attach two full grocery bags to MY arms and dunk on James as hard as humanly possible...game over.

Airplane? I DROVE Here (September 27, 2021)

I help CSI's Marg Helgenberger move into the house I am vacating, but when I attempt to hang out afterward I am rebuffed with a shut door. Skip to the hospital, outside of which I greet my buddy Arnell with an uncomfortably long cheek kiss as he and his family arrives. Inside, I run into an ex from long ago...except she denies being that ex and instead claims to be from "the airplane". Cue another skip to...

...the 1250, where a monster spawns from Helgenberger's stuff (?) and forces me and the Scooby-Doo gang off a ledge, but then saves us. 

Staying Home For A While (September 26, 2021)

The scene: some grassy field, where I, according to a do-gooder witness, "attempt suicide" by simply holding a knife. The cops track me to the very back of the field, but I escape and drive away. Over the radio, I hear a news report stating that I supposedly raped someone, too.

Who Shops Here, Stratos? (September 21, 2021)

Once again, I work my old armed courier job...except I have no belt and pants that won't stay up. Still, I power on and eventually service a 7-11 atop a 100-foot tall pyramid of stairs. Later, after servicing a "Japanese Store", we stop at Burger King where I beat up two intruders who didn't fully shut the door to the truck.

Skip to me playing a game of 1-on-1 with my cousin Rico using seemingly every object BUT a basketball. Eventually, he decides to chow down on a footlong sub during the game, allowing me to win 9-3.

That Boy IS Right! (September 20, 2021)

Me and Bobby from King Of The Hill learn guitar from some teen called "Pajar" or something. He's kind of an ass at first until realizing we aren't a gay couple. Good enough for me.

Next, I'm back in my old baseball league, and take an extraordinarily long time running to first base on what should have been a hit. Then in my next at-bat, I stand comically far from the plate and blast a homer to right field. #ThingsThatWouldNeverHappenIRL

"...Where Everybody HAS Your Name"? (September 17, 2021)

Robbers take my car back to my apartment complex, then exit the vehicle and scatter. For some reason they all return one-by-one to the car where I shoot each one of them. The police show up and decide not to press charges against me for the illegal gun since the robbers all died. (?) I don't question the decision.

Things end with me in class with my old pal Chris, trying to come up with a spooky version of the Cheers theme song.

Discrimination!!! (September 15, 2021)

Outside a vacated store, I play some baseball. I break my bat on a foul ball and the batboy quickly brings a substitute...which I discover is too small for use. By this time, however, the batboy has disappeared inside the vacant store, so pissed-off me uses the small bat.

During my time up, the same batboy delivers the umpire more balls, pissing me off more (since he was AWOL when I needed him). Eventually, I hit what should have been a double, but I'm so mad that I stop halfway to first base and run out of the shopping center entirely.

That'll Teach Alyssa To...Exist! (September 14, 2021)

Things begin with me as a NYPD Blue detective dating a single mom. But I return to her house and find her depressed with a huge mess everywhere. After I'm passively-aggressively blamed for both issues, I dump her, make a fake Twitter account, and bash the hell out of Giants coach Alyssa Nakken.

Things end with me and buddy Dan at my place, posing for an aerial photo with a toy train set.

Guilty Until Proven Missing (September 12, 2021)

Out in the middle of nowhere with my boy Hirday, we begin an arduous long walk back to the 1250...until realizing about five steps in that the 1250 is literally a block away behind us. Hirday starts to talk trash for not knowing where we were until I shout "this was YOUR idea, maggot!" after which we both laugh.

Skip to a crime show with some loser incel in possession of a murder victim and, as you might expect, being creepy with her. The police close in on the guy as he boards a bus, but he bulldozes right past them. Not long after, the sister of one officer turns up dead on the sidewalk, which somehow exonerates the incel from either murder.

My New Pal John (September 11, 2021)

Hall-of-Fame candidate.

I'm playing billiards with my friend Jenn and others when a crazed, menacing John Cleese takes everyone hostage, including a nonplussed me. Eventually, after being held in a room for some time, I confront my captor as he's receiving oral pleasure from Three's Company's Joyce DeWitt. Me: "What would you say if I just decided to run outta here?" After a pause, both of us simultaneously reply "Lose weight!" and burst into laughter. We dap and Cleese lets me go. Sorry, Joyce. Sorry, friends.

That Cat Demands Respect (September 10, 2021)

After I get weepy over a Beverly Hills, 90210 video, my ex shares the story of a cheetah chasing a rude customer out of the library she was at. Then I buy a single potato from the grocery store, picking caked-on pennies off the ceiling to pay for it.

Jerry, Can I Get Twenty Bucks? (September 9, 2021)

 

I suffer some embarrassment when Jerry Rice joins my football squad, leading me to exclaim "We got a Hall-of-Famer on our team!" Seconds later I discover we had Steve Young, who is also a Hall-of-Famer, on the team all along...oops. I then warm up with a teammate who brought his pet...something, and has a litany of people checking on it every 30 seconds. 

Later, I'm taking Uber home and discover the bill has wiped out my entire account, so I'm instead taken to an Asian store which is about to close. For a few bucks, I help them, but get distracted laughing at Jay Leno's "Headlines" segment from The Tonight Show. 

Lastly, Josie blows me away by knowing about 1990's MLB free agent signings, namely Albert Belle.

Pranked By The Undead (September 4, 2021)

Things begin with me in a CVS parking lot, discussing something over the phone with my boy Juan. A girl, approximately nine, overhears me and asks if I'm referring to "Juanita", an unofficial nickname of his. When I confusedly confirm that I am, the girl gets agitated and begins to talk serious smack about Juan. I try to stick up for him but that only upsets her more; I give up and split before she takes her anger out on me.

Next thing I know, I'm at the 1250, playing with some four-year-old girl. I pick her up, unaware that she's soaked in pee, which soaks me as well. I take her to the john and she proceeds to continue peeing in the toilet for a full minute-plus...that is one sizable bladder.

Skip to some festive public street; I am stopped by some show-biz type, told of actress Hayden Panettiere's death, and given a tabloid "confirming" it. As I cross the street reading said tabloid, Panettiere comes up behind me and covers my eyes: "Guess who?" Evidently, because I fell for the tale, I lose out on some prize...oh, well.

I proceed on foot toward a waterfront and quickly make friends with a large group of people just hanging around; Homicide's Kyle Secor may or may not have been one of the leaders. All is well until I make an innocent joke about "identifying as" something weird. I'm quickly shunned and my now-former friends board a bus without me.

Finally, my barely-interested father takes me to Subway Sandwiches for a meal, which is prepared and served by Matt LeBlanc.

Fatal Attraction (September 3, 2021)

After One Life To Live scenes featuring Andrew kicking out Dorian for starting a fire in his home followed by the two of them at a bar having champagne, we skip to me making deliveries at a semi-ghetto apartment complex.

At Stop #1, which happens to be an acquaintance's INV home, I decide to shower right then and there until said acquaintance enters the bathroom as well and is in no hurry to leave. At Stop #2, I happen upon a big guy being hauled into a room for what appears to be forced nooky with a Grace Jones-type. Fortunately for him, depending on your point of view, he is dropped onto his would-be "lover", killing her. No one seems to mind that I saw everything.

Lastly, my late uncle returns from the dead to toss me batting practice. I fail miserably in my homer-hitting efforts.

Why Am I Here Again? (September 2, 2021)

My desktop computer needs an upgrade, so I take it to the professionals. There, I somehow end up disassembling the machine and installing the upgrade myself, but as I reassemble it, I accidentally scratch another customer's computer case—upsetting "my" co-workers. If that isn't bad enough, I close the computer up while neglecting to reconnect (or even properly position) the hard drive. 

Oh, That Sexy Radio (September 1, 2021)

I laugh at Fred from Scooby-Doo being hit by snowballs, then draw a picture of the Scooby gang for a party. Later, the Rolling Stones drive by in an open-top Mustang and I give them crap for their choice of automobile. Then, on the floor of my grandma's room at the 1250, something on the radio arouses me to the point of self-pleasure. (NO, granny was not in the room at the time.)

Eventually, I'm honored to meet Victor Newman, the legendary character from The Young & The Restless. The meeting is cut short when tropical fish in one tank somehow fall into the tank below, where they either drown (???) or are eaten by a piranha. 

Lastly, I'm a henchman for murderous General Hospital character Helena Cassadine. My task? Striking out some dude in the hallway of the 1250. The guy blasts a home run off me instead, and Helena calmly has me drink poison as I tearfully apologize for letting her down.