Do Thieves Have NO Honor These Days?? (September 30, 2021)

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Just me at the 1250, which is soon taken over by an Asian gang who demands anything of value in the house. I fully cooperate, even pointing things out to them, but as they leave one member stabs me in the shoulder area. Me: "I DID WHAT HE SAID AND HE STILL STABBED ME!!!" One of the cohorts looks at me as if to say "we're so sick of that guy's crap".

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Debit THAT, Punk! (September 29, 2021)

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At the 1250, I watch as LeBron James dominates a game of hoops despite having two full grocery bags attached to his arms. Eventually I get fed up with this spectacle so I attach two full grocery bags to MY arms and dunk on James as hard as humanly possible...game over.

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Airplane? I DROVE Here (September 27, 2021)

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I help CSI's Marg Helgenberger move into the house I am vacating, but when I attempt to hang out afterward I am rebuffed with a shut door. Skip to the hospital, outside of which I greet my buddy Arnell with an uncomfortably long cheek kiss as he and his family arrives. Inside, I run into an ex from long ago...except she denies being that ex and instead claims to be from "the airplane". Cue another skip to...

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...the 1250, where a monster spawns from Helgenberger's stuff (?) and forces me and the Scooby-Doo gang off a ledge, but then saves us. 

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Staying Home For A While (September 26, 2021)

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The scene: some grassy field, where I, according to a do-gooder witness, "attempt suicide" by simply holding a knife. The cops track me to the very back of the field, but I escape and drive away. Over the radio, I hear a news report stating that I supposedly raped someone, too.

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Who Shops Here, Stratos? (September 21, 2021)

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Once again, I work my old armed courier job...except I have no belt and pants that won't stay up. Still, I power on and eventually service a 7-11 atop a 100-foot tall pyramid of stairs. Later, after servicing a "Japanese Store", we stop at Burger King where I beat up two intruders who didn't fully shut the door to the truck.

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Skip to me playing a game of 1-on-1 with my cousin Rico using seemingly every object BUT a basketball. Eventually, he decides to chow down on a footlong sub during the game, allowing me to win 9-3.

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That Boy IS Right! (September 20, 2021)

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Me and Bobby from King Of The Hill learn guitar from some teen called "Pajar" or something. He's kind of an ass at first until realizing we aren't a gay couple. Good enough for me.

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Next, I'm back in my old baseball league, and take an extraordinarily long time running to first base on what should have been a hit. Then in my next at-bat, I stand comically far from the plate and blast a homer to right field. #ThingsThatWouldNeverHappenIRL

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"...Where Everybody HAS Your Name"? (September 17, 2021)

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Robbers take my car back to my apartment complex, then exit the vehicle and scatter. For some reason they all return one-by-one to the car where I shoot each one of them. The police show up and decide not to press charges against me for the illegal gun since the robbers all died. (?) I don't question the decision.

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Things end with me in class with my old pal Chris, trying to come up with a spooky version of the Cheers theme song.

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Discrimination!!! (September 15, 2021)

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Outside a vacated store, I play some baseball. I break my bat on a foul ball and the batboy quickly brings a substitute...which I discover is too small for use. By this time, however, the batboy has disappeared inside the vacant store, so pissed-off me uses the small bat.

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During my time up, the same batboy delivers the umpire more balls, pissing me off more (since he was AWOL when I needed him). Eventually, I hit what should have been a double, but I'm so mad that I stop halfway to first base and run out of the shopping center entirely.

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That'll Teach Alyssa To...Exist! (September 14, 2021)

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Things begin with me as a NYPD Blue detective dating a single mom. But I return to her house and find her depressed with a huge mess everywhere. After I'm passively-aggressively blamed for both issues, I dump her, make a fake Twitter account, and bash the hell out of Giants coach Alyssa Nakken.

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Things end with me and buddy Dan at my place, posing for an aerial photo with a toy train set.

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Guilty Until Proven Missing (September 12, 2021)

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Out in the middle of nowhere with my boy Hirday, we begin an arduous long walk back to the 1250...until realizing about five steps in that the 1250 is literally a block away behind us. Hirday starts to talk trash for not knowing where we were until I shout "this was YOUR idea, maggot!" after which we both laugh.

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Skip to a crime show with some loser incel in possession of a murder victim and, as you might expect, being creepy with her. The police close in on the guy as he boards a bus, but he bulldozes right past them. Not long after, the sister of one officer turns up dead on the sidewalk, which somehow exonerates the incel from either murder.

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My New Pal John (September 11, 2021)

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Hall-of-Fame candidate.

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I'm playing billiards with my friend Jenn and others when a crazed, menacing John Cleese takes everyone hostage, including a nonplussed me. Eventually, after being held in a room for some time, I confront my captor as he's receiving oral pleasure from Three's Company's Joyce DeWitt. Me: "What would you say if I just decided to run outta here?" After a pause, both of us simultaneously reply "Lose weight!" and burst into laughter. We dap and Cleese lets me go. Sorry, Joyce. Sorry, friends.

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That Cat Demands Respect (September 10, 2021)

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After I get weepy over a Beverly Hills, 90210 video, my ex shares the story of a cheetah chasing a rude customer out of the library she was at. Then I buy a single potato from the grocery store, picking caked-on pennies off the ceiling to pay for it.

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Jerry, Can I Get Twenty Bucks? (September 9, 2021)

 

I suffer some embarrassment when Jerry Rice joins my football squad, leading me to exclaim "We got a Hall-of-Famer on our team!" Seconds later I discover we had Steve Young, who is also a Hall-of-Famer, on the team all along...oops. I then warm up with a teammate who brought his pet...something, and has a litany of people checking on it every 30 seconds. 

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Later, I'm taking Uber home and discover the bill has wiped out my entire account, so I'm instead taken to an Asian store which is about to close. For a few bucks, I help them, but get distracted laughing at Jay Leno's "Headlines" segment from The Tonight Show. 

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Lastly, Josie blows me away by knowing about 1990's MLB free agent signings, namely Albert Belle.

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Pranked By The Undead (September 4, 2021)

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Things begin with me in a CVS parking lot, discussing something over the phone with my boy Juan. A girl, approximately nine, overhears me and asks if I'm referring to "Juanita", an unofficial nickname of his. When I confusedly confirm that I am, the girl gets agitated and begins to talk serious smack about Juan. I try to stick up for him but that only upsets her more; I give up and split before she takes her anger out on me.

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Next thing I know, I'm at the 1250, playing with some four-year-old girl. I pick her up, unaware that she's soaked in pee, which soaks me as well. I take her to the john and she proceeds to continue peeing in the toilet for a full minute-plus...that is one sizable bladder.

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Skip to some festive public street; I am stopped by some show-biz type, told of actress Hayden Panettiere's death, and given a tabloid "confirming" it. As I cross the street reading said tabloid, Panettiere comes up behind me and covers my eyes: "Guess who?" Evidently, because I fell for the tale, I lose out on some prize...oh, well.

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I proceed on foot toward a waterfront and quickly make friends with a large group of people just hanging around; Homicide's Kyle Secor may or may not have been one of the leaders. All is well until I make an innocent joke about "identifying as" something weird. I'm quickly shunned and my now-former friends board a bus without me.

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Finally, my barely-interested father takes me to Subway Sandwiches for a meal, which is prepared and served by Matt LeBlanc.

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Fatal Attraction (September 3, 2021)

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After One Life To Live scenes featuring Andrew kicking out Dorian for starting a fire in his home followed by the two of them at a bar having champagne, we skip to me making deliveries at a semi-ghetto apartment complex.

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At Stop #1, which happens to be an acquaintance's INV home, I decide to shower right then and there until said acquaintance enters the bathroom as well and is in no hurry to leave. At Stop #2, I happen upon a big guy being hauled into a room for what appears to be forced nooky with a Grace Jones-type. Fortunately for him, depending on your point of view, he is dropped onto his would-be "lover", killing her. No one seems to mind that I saw everything.

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Lastly, my late uncle returns from the dead to toss me batting practice. I fail miserably in my homer-hitting efforts.

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Why Am I Here Again? (September 2, 2021)

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My desktop computer needs an upgrade, so I take it to the professionals. There, I somehow end up disassembling the machine and installing the upgrade myself, but as I reassemble it, I accidentally scratch another customer's computer case—upsetting "my" co-workers. If that isn't bad enough, I close the computer up while neglecting to reconnect (or even properly position) the hard drive. 

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Oh, That Sexy Radio (September 1, 2021)

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I laugh at Fred from Scooby-Doo being hit by snowballs, then draw a picture of the Scooby gang for a party. Later, the Rolling Stones drive by in an open-top Mustang and I give them crap for their choice of automobile. Then, on the floor of my grandma's room at the 1250, something on the radio arouses me to the point of self-pleasure. (NO, granny was not in the room at the time.)

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Eventually, I'm honored to meet Victor Newman, the legendary character from The Young & The Restless. The meeting is cut short when tropical fish in one tank somehow fall into the tank below, where they either drown (???) or are eaten by a piranha. 

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Lastly, I'm a henchman for murderous General Hospital character Helena Cassadine. My task? Striking out some dude in the hallway of the 1250. The guy blasts a home run off me instead, and Helena calmly has me drink poison as I tearfully apologize for letting her down.

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