Night Visions, June 2019
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
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(Dates of awakening listed)
Uh, Why Not HER Knee? (June 26, 2019)
I, and others, am held hostage by a Latin gang who demand the laptop of a co-captive. She either isn't willing or able to surrender it, so I whip out my wallet and offer $5200 to one of the thugs. He settles for that, but still must hurt my knee since what he wanted was the laptop. I brace myself, and he leaps down onto my straightened leg with heavy cowboy boots on...somehow, despite my screams, it really doesn't hurt that much.
Later, the gang learns I'm 1/5 Latino and ask me to translate Selena songs for them.
Quill Bugs And Pig-Rats (June 23, 2019)
After a strange opening vision—my neighbors set up toy brick buildings on a hillside, then invite the neighborhood to knock them all down and have brownies at their house—I find myself golfing with Dale from King Of The Hill. He's using a golf club and golf ball; I'm using a badminton bird and a mallet. Our $15K clash is interrupted by some green creature stinging me; nine quills are removed from my dome.
When I go to "confront" the bug (which has seemingly died from the sting), it comes back to life and tries to attack me again.
Next, I'm playing some game with a bum on an outhouse toilet as a big, shiny pig-rat moves silently through the area.
Finally, I fight with a buddy while driving and nearly wreck my car, which just so happens to stop at my high school graduation...except I want no part of being there because I'm immersed in sweat after the fight. But there are numerous souvenirs I do want, so I keep returning to the scene to grab them, looking ridiculous as I attempt to navigate without getting too close to anyone (especially the females).
I drive drunk from the scene which gets my buddies' attention. I clothesline the s--- out of one of them and leave him in the road as I drive recklessly away, getting in even worse trouble and ultimately arrested. But the cops let me keep my stolen graduation name plate.
I'm Really Talented, No? (June 19, 2019)
I catch BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit, for you non-locals) to San Jose hoping to play softball, but am banned and end up in a wheelchair. Because of this, some guy chats me up over the advantages of grass floors over tile. I just want to die.
During the wait for the bus, a talent show is held—I must impersonate Chris Rock asking for directions. Unsure what else to do, I just spit out a slew of "Motherf------s" which makes me a finalist.
But Did She Say "Simon Says"? (June 18, 2019)
Josie asks me to swipe an entire shopping cart of groceries without paying. I comply.
Baby, Don't Hurt Me (June 14, 2019)
The famous Saturday Night Live "What Is Love" dancing duo is on stage with a bunch of women. Predictably, they're all scared away by the guys, who then try to sync up the dance with Robin Roberts.
Letting Bygones Be (June 3, 2019)
Baseball star Bryce Harper ignites a race war by hitting some Indian people with sharp frisbees. They respond by shooting baseballs into the streets—how that hurts Harper, IDK—and I riskily catch them. When the Indians finish up, I decide to shoot Harper with actual bullets. They all miss, and after calm is restored we all film a documentary together.
Next, I'm playing catch with fellow baseball star Shohei Ohtani. Halfway through, he becomes "Christine" and we smooch goodbye in the rain.
Grandpa Needs To "Take A Shot" (June 2, 2019)
Josie and I visit Josie's grandpa Bill Russell, who gifts us with a house made of Construx. I struggle to carry it outside without breaking it, and Grandpa Russell kicks up the awkward meter by loudly blaming his wife to the point I fear she'll get beat after we leave. Mercifully, Josie is struggling to put on a coat—I refrain from helping her until the arguing dies down. Finally, Josie (twisted inside the poorly-applied coat) and I feel comfortable enough to leave.