Night Visions, April 2017

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

Totally Age-Appropriate (April 26, 2017)

I win $5800 at a casino, which is mailed to me somehow. I give my mom and grandma several Benjamins each, but wind up telling my grandma off when she gets too snobby with her cash "YOU AIN'T S---. NONE OF US ARE!!"

Later, I'm glum despite having the cash, so I play with some Hot Wheels. My uncle plays with his own Hot Wheels, but he's about to be disabled because of his neighbor's nightmares. (?)

Did I Take A Wrong Exit? (April 25, 2017)

I'm a member of the LAPD, which is in charge of a funeral in Vallejo, California, for some reason. A black man is dead and there's racial tension (even though it's unclear how he died). The LAPD boss has all black cops line up in uniform at a private prayer prior to the service, which takes place—where else—in the 1250 driveway. A mix of whites and blacks are all upset at the death, including one woman who takes it a little "too" hard.

But I Used To Work At Taco Bell (April 24, 2017)

Outside a shopping center, NBA superstar Kevin Durant wants a burrito but has no confidence in my ability to make it. So I go home, where old pal Cory has talked me up to his boss...so, naturally, meeting me is a disappointment. So I head back to the shopping center, become aware that I'm dreaming, and proceed to feel up an attractive gal (who likes it). We talk on the phone, but I accidentally offend her just before hanging up.

Well, Young Goats ARE Kids (April 18, 2017)

We begin with Malcolm In The Middle's Francis losing his toes in the backyard after not listening to me about cleaning them. Then Milhouse from The Simpsons gets caught in a (biting) shrimp net. Next, Stewie from Family Guy is sharing a tight backseat with another kid, exclaiming "I'M RIDING WITH A GOAT?!" Cut to Homer Simpson losing weight instantly without Bart, as he did in one IRL episode.

Officer, I'm Avoiding Death, Not You (April 17, 2017)

I'm paying for groceries and decide at the last minute not to buy one expensive item. The idiot cashier starts loading all my other groceries into the go-backs cart, assuming I couldn't afford any of it.

On the walk home—with my full grocery cart—the sidewalk elevates almost before I notice; it's followed by a six-foot drop. But I'm hesitant to change direction/go around because a cop is nearby and might think I'm avoiding him. I awaken having resolved nothing.

...Perhaps The OTHER WAY? (April 16, 2017)

A mystery family, the Troskys, now inhabit the 1250. My aunt advises me that to keep living there, remember that they're sound sleepers. Then she gives me more "tips" such as which way to run when tossing live grenades. We then play baseball using Subway loaves as both the bat and ball.

Next, I'm on the "bench" (grass area in foul territory) for the San Francisco Giants. In no way am I ready to play, and fans refuse my foul ball gifts.

"Anybody Miraculously Start Walking?" (April 15, 2017)

At high school, I find a wheelchair and take it to class. There, a b---- classmate huffily asks that I stop shaking the table, which I wasn't doing. Then the wheelchair owner complains about his chair and I snap and storm out; the b---- classmate sends my calculator flying out the door behind me.

Next, I return to class and get a call: a guy wants to taste-test some food at the canteen. Other guys dislike it; I compare it to ear sweat and everyone laughs. Hurrah.

From Now On, I'll Uber (April 14, 2017)

 

At the outset, I'm hanging out...somewhere, with the cast of General Hospital. We take a helicopter to and from the neighborhood; I even fly it once. Then Laura Wright flies me; we get stuck in foliage that I clear out even while the copter is moving. Then I somehow disembark and Wright crashes into a field, setting off fireworks and presumably dying. I immediately vow no more coptering and return home to Rebecca Herbst X's and O's as she works to set me up with the entire (single) GH female cast.

Unless It's An Autograph...(April 12, 2017)

 

On the bus, Tupac sits next to me and tries to write on my shirt. I stop him, saying "I respect you, but we're from two different worlds." It somehow works and he stops.

Ruined Dessert Ain't Funny (April 11, 2017)

 

I leave my buddy Juan's pushing a police department shopping cart (?) back home with me. A yard-care ad plays as I pass a thin guy in his yard; I jokingly compare our weights and we laugh, although he soon proves he totally didn't get the joke. This teleports me back to Juan's, where Josie and a tot chat until said tot knocks over a cake, rolls in it, and smears Josie with it as guests laugh away. I erupt at the tot and threaten assault on anyone who laughs...it quickly goes silent.

You Know That's Already Free, Right? (April 9, 2017)

I'm trying to play softball with Josie, my mom and her friend in a giant grass field, but a large group of soccer players keep moving into our region until we finally give up. Skip to my buddy Juan's house, where we talk masturbation in code until finally, his parents catch on. Soon, apparently to get our minds off "that", friends and kids are everywhere including a guy trying to pirate episodes of The Young & The Restless. Another buddy, Jonathan invites me somewhere and I accidentally show my ass crack while agreeing, disgusting him. Oh, well.

Bench Was Talkin' Smack (April 8, 2017)

 

Soap actor Jason Thompson is sportscasting, with me nearby. During a break, some collegiates prank new pledges by dumping cold water on them, causing one of them to literally cling to me. I can't flip the person off of me and finally beeline to the school psychologist for help.

Next thing I know, I'm at an urban backyard BBQ and munching on a huge drumstick as a guest smashes apart a bench for no reason. I end up shirtless prepping plates and performing my stand-up routine before walking my friend Miriam to the bathroom like a child.

"We Live In A SOCIETY!" (April 7, 2017)

 

Al Bundy of Married With Children is being cheated on Wheel Of Fortune; Pat Sajak even humiliates him like a scumbag. Boo this.

Next, we move between two Samoan brothers wrestling, a report of Jason Alexander's killing spree, and a dude sparring with me using my dirty socks from the hamper. We close with me knocking my grandma down and out after she bugs me and Alex.

Which One Was Which?? (April 4, 2017)

 

I arrange 15 welcome mats outside various apartment doors, unprovoked, then dry my own in the sun. Upon completing this task, I return to my armed-courier job after 12 years, and in my locker find a long-lost mitt and an opened pack of hot dogs.

Dude Couldn't Dodge The Dodge (April 2, 2017)

 

Tonight, I own a classic Dodge Charger. My INV girlfriend's brother wants to drive it, but uses it to commit a drive-by on a dude 90 feet up the road. I would have said no...

...skip to a warehouse, where a nerdy girl now owns the Charger but needs to rent a van for her delivery job. An eight-foot-tall Wendell Pierce helps us load, and I learn we're a home mopping team. She, then I, both bail, however—me after a colleague turns out to be a murderer but no one cares.

As I walk to my car, a young dude and old lady await. I vow silence, but they unleash a giant plant on me which grows as it pursues. I run, and Josie wakes me before I'm eaten.