Night Visions, April 2018

Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life. 

"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted. 

 

 

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(Dates of awakening listed)

"Skillz...When Did You Father?" (April 30, 2018)

 

I'm on some sandlot Little League field, playing center during batting/fielding practice. A lefty hitter keeps hitting shots to me; I keep making the plays. Eventually the guy joins me in the outfield, and I comment on his targeting me...confusing him. "Didn't you just hit?" I ask. In short, no—turns out another stout black kid wearing a very similar outfit was hitting, and the guy I spoke to was in the field with me all along. Trash can...room for one?

 

I next find myself in line at some department store. The nosy male clerk asks customers when they conceived their children...and they happily answer! Of course, when it's my turn I don't answer...not even when the clerk resorts to attempting a Jedi mind trick on me.

 

Lastly, I work at a convenience store, where some heavyset poor dude can't afford a $1 bag of chips. Just to get rid of him, I buy the chips...only for him to ask for chocolate, too! I refuse, and to my surprise, the scumbag miraculously finds $2 in his pocket to buy the chocolate himself. Obviously pissed, I kick him out without his sweet treat and help the next of what is now many customers (forming a circle rather than a line).

 

 

Sore Loser = Sore Winner (April 28, 2018)

 

A terrorist attack of some kind takes place; I eventually swim to safety ignoring all others screaming for help (hey, I got my own problems.) Making my way through a complex maze, I then amble down five flights of stairs to some United Nations-type gathering. There, Josie identifies a captured Russian as not among the attackers—but we still call the nearby Vladimir Putin childish names.

 

Next, the Chicago Bears are playing—despite my past IRL Bears-related mental trauma, I nervously try to watch. A Bears ball carrier runs all the way around his own sideline as well as the opposing sideline, and when a tackler finally subdues him, their chinstraps somehow entangle and they both collapse humorously. 

Later, in the postgame handshake line, a bitter opponent smashes the Chicago quarterback's nuts.

 

In closing, Mike's cop partner from Mike & Molly is hit by a frisbee; everyone teases him. He's then "bravely" recounting his tale to a group of females...only to break his ribs against a fence while running in terror from a rolling baseball.

 

 

The Wheels On The Bus, They Don't Do Squat (April 27, 2018)

 

The actor Richard Thomas (from the original It) is at Josie's school, semi-lecturing me on my parenting style—he feels I'm a little rough. Which is odd considering he'd never met either of us and was going by my slightly-impatient tone with the cafeteria worker. Go chase a clown, Dick.

 

Next, my Mom is taking me to a medical appointment; we wait by the elevator as a very dull man questions us. I close my eyes and wish for escape—which is granted! I'm transported to driving a bus, and at first, all is well.

Unfortunately, the bus doesn't always move when pedaled, leading to near heart-attacks and ridicule. At one point I emerge from an underpass on a railroad track...which is partially blocked by a fallen tree I can barely maneuver around. Stressed, I stop at home on break...and decide to just stay there. Boss—you'll have to come get the bus, I'm through.

"I Want To Love You, P.E.E." (April 26, 2018)

 

Driving about, I spot Alex's car and decide to clandestinely shadow her. Suddenly, she flips a U and heads in my direction—I do NOT want to be spotted and flee the scene as quickly as possible, laws be damned. She is effectively evaded.

I then head to my apartment; somehow Alex's street is visible from my window so I eye-stalk her, waiting for her to arrive home so I can leave again. But during the wait, her daughter's subsequent text message asking for "Paris" money hints that they can see ME; I'm freaked.

Just then, the mailwoman calls out to me from my living room, where she's let herself in to drop off a box. Said woman, a 60-ish gal with one good eye, proceeds to stick a label on my arm and write a message like "Poor People Need Care, Too" or something along those lines. I allow this, then stare at her like "WTF?" She's embarrassed at the mistake; my response is to....hug and smooch her? SO many boundaries crossed in this vision.

 

Things close with me deciding, for no good reason, to piss all over the bathroom floor as the Eurhythmics song "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves" plays in the background. The urine puddle dries into about 12 paper-like drawings of 1980's recording artists like Prince, Michael Jackson and more. Though the drawings are fantastic, they still smell like piss and I flush them down the toilet in pairs.

It's Bad, All Right (April 24, 2018)

 

After some troubling scenes involving defecation, I toss a ball around with IRL friends Mike, Vanessa and several others—which eventually breaks out into an impromptu selfie remake of Michael Jackson's "Bad" video. Note: it pales in comparison to the original.


Skip to me in the broadcast booth calling a Dodgers/Rockies game; I struggle to stifle laughter when Rockies runner Eric Young slides into third, wrecks his leg, and all but slithers home anyway.
We review the replay of a Mike Piazza homer, which ends up as a reenactment with me in position to catch the ball next to a car and some Avon saleswomen. Also in the vicinity is a two-year-old girl changing her own diaper.


Lastly, my outgoing taxi boss demands I follow his lead and learn Spanish since Indian owners are taking over soon. When and if you find the logic in that, do fill me in.

 

 

All Right (April 23, 2018)

 

An old pal and I are lounging in our undies at our bud Raff's house; his marriage is on the outs, as his wife is suing him over speakers. After a bit of this I unintentionally hit ex-NBA star Horace Grant with a basketball on one hop.

Darren Hayes Might Have Been The Plaintiff (April 22, 2018)

 

I have a new roommate, Charlie, a 48ish man who's been to prison but so far seems okay. While Josie is away at a skating tryout, Charlie brings a packs of steaks to me, clearly expecting me to drop everything and cook them...which I begin to do, planning to "discuss" it with him later.

 

The actor Geoff Pierson is a detective; he shows up in the common area looking for Charlie, who's apparently on the run. Pierson heads to the apartment, and I ask a passing Tracy Morgan to recruit some big guys to help corral the fugitive—perhaps Will Sasso, his old MadTV castmate? "That wasn't me, that was Aries Spears!" Morgan bellows. Strikes one, two and three.

At the apartment, Charlie struggles with Pierson in the kitchen, ultimately stabbing him across the shoulder blade. I choose to rush outside the apartment and sit near the doorway, all but howling at the moon for Charlie's ex-wife to appear in hopes she can calm him.

Mrs. Charlie, a petite blonde, does show up and begins to regale the newly-arrived crowd with stories of Charlie's misdeeds...to great laughter. Kind of inappropriate with cops everywhere (and one of them sliced up), but hey, I asked for it.

 

Things end with some idiot on Judge Judy "I loved her 30 years before we even met!" Case dismissed.

Scram, Kid. I've Got Socks Older Than You (April 21, 2018)

 

A lot of barf-worthy stuff tonight.

My mom has a new apartment; I drop in unexpectedly and find empty beverage cups with melted ice strewn about. Suspicious, I sleuth around and eventually uncover Mom and some dude unclothed near the tub, goofing off like a couple of preschoolers. (Backs away slowly...bleaches eyes...)


Then I'm crushing hard on a wheelchair-bound Chris McKendry of ESPN...until she stands to occupy the toilet and reveals her unattractive toes. Sayonara, crush.


Next, I'm rooming with the INV brother of NFL legend Paul Hornung (Harvey), who allows me to use his pickup, which has about 14 locks. I undo them and head to work, passing Harvey having his portrait done in an alley; eventually the truck morphs into a school bus and I arrive at a very-poorly organized parking lot—no one knows where anybody is supposed to park, or in what order they're supposed to go, or even why we're there.
After a minute of just doing what everybody else is doing, I finally break off and head to Target. Inside, some third grader is smitten with me and won't leave me alone until I'm forced to be rude. In the 3rd-floor potty, I drop a deuce and wipe for an eternity without success...while trying to hide from the janitor, since there are no stall doors.

 

Perhaps She Wasn't "Wide Awake" (April 20, 2018)

 

After a heap of unworthy-for-mention stuff, I find myself at the funeral of Erin Popovich (IRL late wife of NBA coach Gregg Popovich). The Obamas are there, with Michelle exclaiming "WOO! Is this on TV?!" My mom is also there, speaking too loudly until I shush her—which prompts some random woman to point out how loud I am speaking. Also, some are murmuring over Katy Perry's absence...as if she even knows who Erin or Gregg are.
In closing, I'm kicking it with pal Luke, trading Bob Welch baseball cards and critiquing the 24-year-old Madonna song "Take A Bow". He gets hungry and I'm forced to scrub a foot-high stack of cruddy pans to prep a meal.

 

Um...How Much Did You Hear? (April 18, 2018)

 

 I'm chillin' with the San Francisco Giants broadcasters. Somebody brings up Dusty Baker REFUSING to let Matt Williams break any of his managerial records (this is akin to Usher refusing to let Vanilla Ice break HIS records). Eventually with some prodding, Jon Miller and I figure out they meant ex-manager Jim Davenport, not Williams—equally puzzling since Davenport is dead, but whatever.


Next, I find out I have a half-brother who's a little fruity, but likes baseball, so we bond over that while ignoring our father. Feeling it will somehow illustrate brother's "worthiness" in my eyes, I then (non-offensively) demonstrate the voice/mannerisms of a gay kid I once knew IRL, not knowing said kid's parents are lying on the grass nearby. Apparently not concerned, the mom perches herself right on my lap in front of her husband...I don't mind.
 

Stay Away From The Stairs, Kel (April 17, 2018)

 

It's the original Beverly Hills, 90210; Kelly is crying about something (probably a pimple) and runs off, with Ray, of all people, chasing after her—if you know the show, you understand just how ridiculous that is—with the rest of the gang reluctantly trailing behind.

 

Next, I'm ultra-excited to finally have a turkey burger...only for all of my bread to be encased in mold. FML...

 

In closing, I pass my childhood bedroom and spot a body-shaped lump in the bed. Approaching carefully, I pull the covers back and discover...my grandma fast asleep. She apologizes for scaring the s--- out of me at 100 MPH, then fans me as Will Smith's "Miami" plays in the background.

 

Cheating...Cheating...And Eating! (April 15, 2018)

 

This is one of my more wayward visions of the year. It begins with a sitcom featuring three female roommates, one of whom is sleeping with the boyfriend of another. HI-LARIOUS!!

 

Next, the boyfriend finds roommate #3 and proposes...a musical collaboration. He raps his business plan, and although said plan makes zero sense, it's clear the guy has musical skillz. Plus, he's backed/mentored by former MLB All-Star Don Baylor—who knows he's cheating but keeps hush-hush.

Baylor is then seen in the Oakland A's dugout with his bat leaning obstructively on the dugout fence. Manager Tony LaRussa asks him to move it, but Baylor refuses—infuriating LaRussa, who trades him on the spot without so much as a phone call to anyone else. (More on Baylor later.)

 

Skip to a house; I've moved back in with my IRL ex, and apparently I'm so happy at the reunion that I ravage her co-worker who'd borrowed our shower and hadn't dressed yet. My ex/current finds the gal's undies with my stuff; just like that...goodbye, Skillz!

 

Returning to my apartment, I encounter the 1986 New York Mets celebrating their World Series title right there on the property. (It's revealed they'd also celebrated before Game 7 was even close to over, piling up near second base after somebody homered early...funny visual.) With family in tow, I show up at their locker room for the postgame buffet, at which Mets pitcher Bob Ojeda is very, VERY grateful for his salary and good fortune and won't shut up about it.

 

Roger Clemens of the losing Red Sox is dissing Baylor, presumably for the bat incident, leading me to punk him: "You ain't Jesus! You got no idea what Baylor did for me!" Neither do I, for the record.

 

"Would You Like Temple Or Roof Of Mouth?" (April 14, 2018)

 

Short but rough: I misread a classmate's signals and touch her inappropriately. She's like WTF, and I sincerely offer to blow my brains out in shame. Moral of the story: signals are for roads only.

 

"♪ Who's Trailing At Halftime 20 to 3...♫" (April 13, 2018)

 

I'm at a T-intersection of sorts; the arms of the T lead to a rooftop parking lot, so it's basically a dead end—one I can't turn around from. The only other way down is via a ramp from the parking lot down below. I yank out my trusty wheel guide (like the ones used at drive-thru car washes), hook my ride up, and escape.

Once at the bottom, before I can grab my wheel guide, an octogenarian shows up and uses it as a ladder to reach the parking lot. When I finally do grab it and start to leave—on foot, for whatever reason—numerous fellow seniors loudly accuse me of stealing "their ladder".

 

Next, I'm watching the NFL playoffs with radio host Cristi Johnson. She asks me to do impressions of Spongebob Squarepants characters; because she is rather sexy, I gladly oblige, calling the game in their voices.

 

The Tongue And The Respectless (April 12, 2018)

 

Disturbing on so many levels; it's The Young And The Restless. Somehow, without knowing his actual identity, the staff of Newman Enterprises is made aware of Abby Newman's rapist being present on the grounds...but business continues as usual since no one knows who he is. 
Other scenes include Jill Abbott in clown makeup, Victor Newman and his son Nick tonguing each other, and Paul Williams and I attempting to dunk. The ball gets away and a midget initially calls me a less-than-respectful name before I mean-mug him into the correct "Skillz".

Houston, We Have A Weirdo (April 11, 2018)

 

Tonight's series of visions open with me engrossed in the Hideo Nomo (former MLB pitcher) story; apparently his mom was VERY hard on him and pushed him to succeed...until one day she just disappeared. Camera pan to Nomo sadly scanning the skies at the end of a cul-de-sac for his lost mama, whose image appears on a billboard as the show closes. (Don't ask me.)

 

I next find myself driving down a wider version of the same cul-de-sac, attempting to parallel park for a city meeting. Naturally I bang into a car, but fortunately it was already totaled. When I exit, there's my 57-year-old uncle challenging me to a game of hoops. Being dressed for and due at the meeting, I decline, leading him to tearfully recount the death of Whitney Houston.

 

Skip to me outside "the scene" of Houston's death, which is now a small tucked-away house rather than a massive hotel. Expectedly, there are cops and tape everywhere; for me to leave the scene I'm forced to belly-crawl under a neighbor's endless patio furniture. The old lady grouches when I bump some of it, but immediately turns super-friendly when I restore it afterward—so friendly, in fact, I'm mildly creeped out and decide against returning to the scene...

 

...until my cousin calls from the house asking for KFC. In a cab I hop, dreading the return the whole time, until realizing "Hey, I'm gonna wake up soon...screw that. I ain't goin' to no KFC!", pay the driver from a mystery $20, and go on about my day.

Which Kelly Was Hotter? (April 7, 2018)

 

The casts of Married With Children and Saved By The Bell are held at my aunt's house for no reason I can identify. Al is punched out, while Bud and MWC's Kelly's supposed ticket to freedom—jumping up and down—reveals not the secret exit they hoped for, but rather...socks. Many socks.

 

From Punches To Lunches (April 6, 2018)

 

I am a med student—may God help us all—with 12 others waiting to take Flight 191 to Atlanta for some learnin'. We reach the airport but our instructor/leader is called away to the hospital and just leaves us stranded there with no instruction.
Among our group, one woman hates one man so much she socks him hard; the man turns out to be Hilary Swank and the two wind up befriending each other. 


Next, I'm in a public square, where I make the "mistake" of speed-walking pass some chick to access a live theater. She snides about my "class", then tells a group of hoods about some "punk ass" she encountered. That's all I need to hear—bye bye, theater.

Finally, I motorcycle from Idaho to the S.F. Bay Area and head to McDonalds to rent another bike for some reason. When I pay $23.15 for my $8.15 rental, a customer is visibly moved by my thoughtfulness and praises me. However, before the transaction is completed, I'm refunded because I have no helmet. Oh, and the front wheel of the bike is actually a tambourine.

 

Earning Their NBA Playoffs Badge (April 3, 2018)

 

It's Game 7 of some series between the NBA's Warriors and Rockets, and through three quarters the Warriors are down hella. I'm with my friend Monica and her kids listening on the radio; we stop at my place for her to pee but even though we get all the way to the door, we somehow re-enter my Roadster with her still needing relief. WTH happened at the apartment?
Meanwhile, the Warriors wind up shutting the Rockets out in the fourth quarter and win by 38; the camera—yes, somehow I can now SEE what's happening—pans to Rockets coach Mike D'Antoni trying to amp up his team, not one member of whom is paying him any attention. The Warriors go on to celebrate on the yard of Josie's IRL Girl Scout troop leader...whatever's clever.

 

SO Much Negligence (April 2, 2018)

 

ESPN's Bill Simmons recalls the memory, almost HAPPILY, of loaning a gun to his pal and watching as said pal promptly shot his dad. Though I have many questions, I just stand there with an "Ooooo" face, figuring I already know too much. 

 

Next, I'm home when out of the blue I remember owning four algae eaters. Since it's been days since their last feeding, I figure they're gone and am actually jump-scared when they're revealed to be alive. I deserved that, at least.

 

Finally, we have a Family Guy scene with Lois holding Stewie. For no obvious reason Meg waddles in and collapses on them both. As Peter retrieves Lois and carries her upstairs, a muffled Stewie is heard "You know I'm still under here..." Looking back...tonight's visions were a tad dark.