Night Visions, April 2019
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
These Guys Can "Pitch" (April 24-30, 2019)
The best of a crap week: Me and the 1989 Oakland Athletics sing "Up Where We Belong", with Jose Canseco trying with all his might to steal the show.
Next, I'm soap actor Jason Thompson, interested in a girl who's about to get together with some loser. She's later seen dancing outdoors in a bikini atop a table; I "rescue" her and throw her in an armored truck.
More Like Mother-In-Lust (April 23, 2019)
Let's see: an Everybody Loves Raymond episode in which Debra takes an embarrassing Easter photo of Ray, prompting Lois (Katherine Helmond's character) to smooch Ray AND Debra; my ex taking time from hosting a live awards show to be jealous of Alex sitting with me; testign a Mario game in which all he does is fly; being embarrassed by my mom in the library and leaving her wheelchair-bound INV husband stranded there; driving The Young & The Restless's Newman family about five seconds before narrowly avoiding an at-fault crash, and a number of overweight, bikini-clad sistas on some Maury-type show.
Get Your Own Damn Beer! (April 21, 2019)
At my buddy Dave's house, I try to reach his daughter's helium balloon by standing on a table, but the table morphs into a small drop-zone and I'm terrified.
It's Easter, and I'm dressed "up" in a yellow shirt and slacks; we're called to an impromptu outdoor Easter service attended by all my buds, and tons of classmates from the past. The event leader tries to confiscate my beer, but I respond with "Well, I usually sleep in late Sundays so I guess we BOTH lose." Zing!
Then everyone is given unlit candles and we sing "Happy Birthday" in multiple languages.
Here's A Tip: Don't Copy My Diet (April 17, 2019)
After some issues leaving my delivery motorcycle inside Governor Newsom's old house (which I did deliver to IRL once upon a time) I find myself on a hoop court with Nikola Jokic of the Denver Nuggets. Despite being 7 feet tall and already established in the NBA, Jokic seeks basketball tips from me...no problem.
At one point the ball rolls away and past a kid who for whatever reason doesn't budge to stop it, earning a "RETARD!" from me. Once I've gotten the ball, Jokic has vanished into thin air, so I hoop with the "retard" and some other kids instead.
Lastly, me, Conan O'Brien and Leslie David Baker (Stanley from The Office) are on a discussion panel; I struggle to recall the name of the guy who Jay Leno essentially screwed out of the Tonight Show hosting gig (Conan O'Brien).
At Last, A.C. And Draymond Green TOGETHER (April 15, 2019)
4/15 We begin with Seinfeld; Jerry's act bombs badly but a wet-haired Elaine is still impressed with his wads of cash. Later, A.C. Green, who is nearing 60, takes over Kevin Durant's roster spot on the Golden State Warriors; Durant is banished from the team under mysterious circumstances.
Finally, I'm set to buy a house in Sacramento, but the seller "Tom" never shows up, later telling me my application was denied because I didn't detail the year 1996 on it. (This is one of those Night Visions that sounded decent until I actually wrote it up.)
That's How You Steal $20 (April 13, 2019)
My laundry is sitting in the 1250 driveway for no reason, and a trio of hoodlum-types steal it. Later, I'm in the garage with my uncle, and his buddies—said hoodlums—roll up; they've washed my laundry and want payment. I reward them with $20.
"Once Upon A Time..." (April 11, 2019)
Warriors coach Steve Kerr asks me to carry Warriors star Kevin Durant to my bed, tuck him in, and then cuddle with him. The first two favors are granted.
Next, I'm in a hotel room with an unstable INV friend/roomie who's planning to commit a crime. I try to dissuade him but he threatens to implicate me too, and then leaves with my keys.
I'm transported to an airport parking lot across a busy road, trying to find either the dude or my luggage with the spare keys, but no luck—although I do find an abandoned sedan outback ("I'll come back for you later.") I then encounter a woman who's also trying to find her missing keys; when I share my tale she immediately suspects my "friend" has her keys as well.
I try to stop her from pursuing him, even resorting to molestation, to no avail. Finally I put on a sweater and BOOM! Keys in pocket.
I Died (April 10, 2019)
I'm having quite the ordeal at a restaurant—I'm not given food, my booth is given away, and some dude reclines into my lap as I wait. Making matters worse, as I leave, I spot my nine-year-old with an adult boyfriend.
Merciful skip to the 1250 kitchen, where my grandma nags me about being in the kitchen but not doing dishes.
Out of nowhere, I'm beamed into a crowd, watching myself and Grandma on a stage—when stage Skillz dares Grandma to kill him, she obliges (with a baseball bat) as a number of girl gymnasts and Vladimir Putin look on with approval.
I Grab Rebounds, Not People (April 6, 2019)
Things begin with me walking up a San Jose expressway photographing the traffic signals. Eventually I get bunched up with other pedestrians (one of whom is NBA star Kevin Durant), and we all continue up the road.
Soon, two children are running on and off the expressway, and someone asks "Who wants to be a hero?" Durant couldn't be any less interested, but another guy grabs the kids off the road—their dad turns out to be my very upset former friend Mark, who alternates between taking a swing at me and trying to kiss me.
The vision wraps with us taking the kids to some rescue center, then playing indoor golf while the paperwork is completed. I try to boast about my heroism but no one cares.
Free Foods Equals Free Dudes (April 4, 2019)
I'm at the movies with Brandon, Steve and David from Beverly Hills, 90210; we stay a bit, then drive around town looking for somewhere to eat. That somewhere ends up being the kitchen of some random unlocked house.
After some lounging, we book it, only to pass back through the area minutes later. Somehow, the homeowners know we intruded and order us inside (even as we're driving by). Luckily, we're saved from prosecution when the homeowners find food Steve left for them in the fridge.
No, Not THAT Kind Of Goo (April 3, 2019)
It's a present-day Beverly Hills, 90210 reunion at the Walsh house. Sadly, Jim's laundry machine begins smoking, and when he investigates hot goo shoots in his face. Then the entire house explodes with everyone inside.
Cappy Days (April 1, 2019)
After I round up 11 of my buddies for a six-on-six MLB: The Show battle, off to the grocery I go. But when I spot cashiers handling food bare-handed, I'm so distracted/disgusted that I can't swipe my debit card or enter the pin properly, holding up the line. Me to customers: "You DID see them touching that food, right?" Crickets.
Next, I meet NBA legend Hakeem Olajuwon and attempt to salute him by imitating some of his low-post moves on a garage hoop...but brick both terribly off the backboard.
Skip to a department store run by the late actor Tom Bosley—Bosley runs things very tightly and whenever an issue arises, he just shoots at it. Following an interview with his rival Don Draper (as played by Frank Sinatra), I report to the store in time to watch somebody gun down Ron Howard in the doorway. Angry, Bosley yells and shoots at his staff before storming off.
Later in the day, in an effort to save my own skin, I supply intel on his secretary—she's betraying him. But it's bedtime and Bosley doesn't care.