Night Visions, December 2016
Codes: "IRL" = "in real life". "INV" = "in Night Vision", meaning untrue in real life.
"Skip" means a sudden transition from one segment to another. "The 1250" references my childhood home, a (too) frequent setting for my visions. Josie is my daughter, and most of my life has been spent with Chicken and Alex as friends. Any other people referenced, past jobs worked at or life experiences are real unless otherwise noted.
(Dates of awakening listed)
Geez, Did He Make A "Pass"? (December 31, 2016)
With my family at the movies...except it doesn't start. Angry people go to get refunds, while we go to the 1250. There, my mom is indecisive about what to do next ("I'll go in 10 minutes/I don't wanna go") and it sets me off; I rant to my aunt until she shows me a written tirade by soap character Bo Buchanan against hoop legend Kobe Bryant, repeatedly referring to Kobe as "horny". Unmoved, I play Street Fighter II with my boy Fleazoe.
AAAH! I WAS JUST KIDDING! (December 30, 2016)
Random podnas of my cousin try to walk up in my place; I finally lose it and threaten the next effer who tries to enter. Nearby felons in jumpsuits hear this and start throwing ME over the rail...borderline nightmare.
Next, a tennis team uses a volleyball net to try risky Olumpic stuff until their coach forces them away, at which point Josie and I challenge two dudes in "lowered-net" tennis.
Better Do What He Says (December 29, 2016)
Sideshow Bob wants me to watch old Simpsons episodes. Nuff said.
Wheezedancing (December 28, 2016)
Shaq is doing stand-up, which consists of him going from wheezing to instantly dancing. I'm questioned by kids who I voted for before being "allowed" to leave home. Then I run into some soap characters on a prime time show and decide to join in filming uninvited, receiving a hug from Jacqueline Wood of The Bold & The Beautiful. Nice. Though barely worth mention, I admit.
Look Where You're Going, Fellas! (December 27, 2016)
Playing against the Phillies, I make a long barehand running catch behind second base. But while chasing down a ball in the corner, my right hand fingers get stuck in my mitt fingers, briefly handcuffing me to everyone's comic delight. Later, Mike Piazza and an old bullpen catcher fall down jogging to the dugout, and Bryce Harper warms up in the 1250 hallway.
Can I Hold It...Forever? (December 26, 2016)
A producer for Walker: Texas Ranger educates me on why the show changed: Sheree J. Wilson kept getting kidnapped and people were sick of it. On the show, Walker is told by villains they'll stop if he leaves Texas forever. Since he doesn't know what that means, he stays.
Finally, an arguing couple in a restaurant sit nearby, and the husband asks me to hold his money for him. Eh, sure, why not.
NO, You Can't Put Her Down (December 21, 2016)
First, I'm on the A-Team punching guys in the face as we run to a helicopter. Then I force my buddy Juan to clean both sides of my windshield while holding his baby daughter.
Just Because I'm Fat... (December 20, 2016)
At Subway, the staffer brings me four bags of chips when I only asked for one. Though I'm totally calm, his colleague makes a big production of "calming me down". Upon leaving, I'm so upset I just go in my room and shut the door—only to find a Terri J. Vaughn-type in my bed with her suitor. She eventually talks me into taking over for said suitor.
Norm Can't Be Trusted (December 19, 2016)
I'm delivering a package to my friend Monica; at first I'm going to leave it on the side of her house, but then George Wendt meanders by. So I instead enter the premises and leave the box in a closet.
Shoving And Sports Talk (December 18, 2016)
In the 1250 driveway, I keep trying to enter the premises but am repeatedly confronted by WWE stars of the 80's looking to fight.
Once I finally get in, Josie's sister Grace escorts her in, and witnesses my loopy mother trying to sit on my lap, refusing to budge until I angrily shove her to the floor. Then we all dissect a 49ers receiver's poor route running leading to an interception.
You Won't See Trump Doing That (December 16, 2016)
I'm Michael Scott from The Office, being stared down by a black colleague for no reason. My solution? Try to act "blacker" to deal with him. It doesn't really work.
Next, I'm Barack Obama, visiting a playground with a kids center. One kid has always wanted to see a president dunk so i oblige (on an eight-foot hoop).
Don't Make Anybody Mad Now (December 15, 2016)
Just me revisiting the career of an INV ex-baseball prospect—apparently, in the minors, he got mad at an umpire and coach, and ran through the dugout to reach first base on a walk just to be an ass. He actually seemed nuts, but he's now a coach himself and doing well. This vision not really worth mentioning.
That Wasn't In The Script (December 14, 2016)
It's Friends, and Joey and Phoebe film a commercial. Afterward, Joey smooches Phoebe unexpectedly, then the gang all watches Emma while Rachel cries over God knows what.
FOUL! (December 13, 2016)
I'm hooping with NBA stars David Lee and Chauncey Billups, the latter of whom resorts to tickling to stop me. We laugh at the irony.
Next, a cartoon rhino couple is captured by a lava creature; i awaken before their rescue.
But I Said Nice Things! (December 12, 2016)
I'm atop the seats at Fenway Park as Red Sox star Dustin Pedroia wallops a three-run homer. I then give the retiring David Ortiz a long send-off speech and expect to be named Boston's next captain...but I'm not. You know, since I'm not actually on the team or anything.
Next, a skip to "Sid" wanting me to help evict my downstairs neighbors. I'm hesitant and finally refuse, as some blond returns arguing with someone. It spills over to the parking lot into a melee, during which the blond and some brunette stop shrieking long enough to both yap to me about the eviction, neither aware of whose side I'm on. Thanks a lot, "Sid".
Shaq's Failure (December 9, 2016)
Shaq is begged by his mom to wake up a (former NBA star) Kenny Anderson puzzle. It doesn't work.
DD-isney (December 8, 2016)
Tonight starts with a Dukes Of Hazzard episode featuring only Bo, Luke and Enos. I tell somebody excluding Daisy is not how to win over new viewers.
Skip to me and my mom going to some performance; she's hyped to see a Bewitched actress perform but confused when it turns out to be some Disney show. There is a song, then actors do a mass death scene; one actress flies through the air onto a couch and her boobs very nearly fly out of her tiny top. I'm disappointed at the "nearly".
Things wrap with a Cheers movie reunion with Sam, Woody, another Woody, and red-haired Norm.
And She STILL Didn't See It (December 7, 2016)
Chicken comes to the 707 wanting to change jeans. Back in the 408, his apartment is a high-rise and half-library; I change jeans while he necks a girl who is not his fiancee. I fail to distract said fiancee, who was on the couch reading in HUGE glasses.
Kid Counselor (December 5, 2016)
On TV, there are many gun battles, including Hetty (from NCIS: Los Angeles) The Bad Guy. Some dude says to his kid "The wife didn't jump me like usual" which isn't exactly appropriate. Then we skip to Friends where Bruce Willis's character dislikes Ross until getting a real handshake.
A Taste For Education (December 2, 2016)
At Josie's school, actress Linda Elena Tovar leans on me, smooches me, then goes on about her son Noah licking the teacher. I then proceed to share a story about my grandma—she knows it, and it turns out we've actually met before twice.
I join guys to hoop and pass Noah's classroom; he just happens to be lifting his teacher off the ground by the throat trying to lick her neck; it took much work to stop him. I share the news with his mama under a very low carport; by now she's so detached she's barely even conscious.