Gotta Time My "Accidents" Better (February 27, 2017)

​

With the TV show Martin as a backdrop, I decide to piss myself in my apartment kitchen. Before I'm able to change clothes, however, my mom drops in, so I hide until she gives up on finding me and leaves (though I still sense I'm being watched from adjacent windows). Then one of her old ex-boyfriends somehow lets himself in and goes through my phone looking for her number as I'm still hiding in pissy clothes.

​

​

That Cost You My Vote (February 25, 2017)

​

Don't ask why this station appeared in Night Visions, but Sacramento's 98 Rock has changed formats and for whatever reason I'm on the scene. I meet a "hot" bar chick type but pay her no mind. In response, as I walk through a mall she reappears, intentionally flirting with others until I acknowledge her. We smooch and become a couple. Is it really that easy IRL?

​

Next, my cousin Ashanti is back from the dead and rooming with me at the 1250, but I ban her daughter from my home. Other family members try to get through to said daughter but she simply escapes through a second floor window somehow. Before we can investigate, however, we come across a 91-year-old senator having a heart attack on the kitchen floor. D'oh.

​

 

And I Allowed It Because? (February 24, 2017)

​

Soap actress Marcy Walker and I simultaneously speak and I say, "Doesn't your egg split now?" She makes a turkey joke and I laugh. Skip to me receiving head from a soap actor I'll leave unnamed, lest he read this and take offense. Despite interruptions from my grandma, the servicing continues until i finally tell him I'm straight and prep for my NBA game (?). In the locker room, the actor is seen crying for no obvious reason but doesn't reveal anything. I go out for warmups and am truly awful.

​

​

Impolite AND A Psycho? (February 23, 2017)

​

We start with Seinfeld stuff, we end with Jon Miller sobbing over baseball Hall-of-Fame stuff.

In between, the actress Julie Hagerty is a car saleswoman. When I take too long to choose, she puts an "available" sign on the Accord I was eyeing. After snapping at a tyke who was following me in the showroom, I end up taking Hagerty home. En route, we make out until she flips out for absolutely no reason.

​

After chatting about the situation with two others, I learn Hagerty's behavior is a pattern.

​

 

Mike, I Don't Swing That Way (February 22, 2017)

​

A few scenes tonight...

​

First, it's a LARGE hillbilly family on Family Feud; five go to the stage. One morphs into armed security, and one has serious butt stink I'm forced to endure. Next, I'm on a TV show panel with Giants broadcasters Duane Kuiper and Mike Krukow; all is well until I compliment Krukow's looks and ask when he was last single. Next thing I know I'm hooked up to a zipline and Krukow must "drive straight home". By the way, the panel is set in 1997 and Krukow is fat for some reason.

​

Lastly, I'm an Army guy tasked with flying the plane in a suicide mission to Minnesota. I cannot tell my family goodbye, either. But because my oath issuer is so pushy, I decide to drive the plane down a road, take off, and then land elsewhere, knowing the penalty. For some reason, I'm very careful to take all my shoes with me.

​

 

Don't Rub It In, Skillz (February 21, 2017)

​

Random scenes tonight:

​

• My old baseball league plays in my old bedroom, joined by major leaguers Tim Raines and Jose Bautista. No one tallies runs and Bautista spends too much time talking to my mom.

• It's Orange Friday at my old high school, meaning everyone wears orange. One of my friends is a bum and the other is a dork.

• I almost offend a cripple handing me jeans from a drawer "MY HANDS WORK!" Whoops.

• Actor Alan Ruck commits suicide.

• Chicken's granny attempts to extort him, as told on a rooftop radio show.

• I call in this show as CC Sabathia's old IRL classmate, but no one can verify I did so because I sound white.

​

​

What A Classy Tribute (February 20, 2017)

​

Two soap stars are killed by fires/accidents and a ghetto chick responds to the news of one death with "He be drivin' a Corvette".

​

Next, after kickin' it at the library with the cast of How I Met Your Mother, a show crew member takes clothes from my gym bag as I struggle to swing at him. Neither of us ever speak a word during the tussle.

​

 

Does ANYBODY'S Hair Fit?? (February 18, 2017)

​

At the gym with buddy Paul, late singer Amy Winehouse's hair extension flies off into my hand. Making matters worse, Ben Stiller complains we took too long using the stretch band, so I land from the uneven bars onto him "accidentally". Next, I film the singer Robyn on a free roller coaster, but her wig flies off too.

​

​

Perhaps They Have B.O.? (February 17, 2017)

​

It's a General Hospital scene where a villain shoots a passing couple with HIV semen. How nice.

Skip to a reunion of A Different World; Glynn Turman, for whatever reason, is noticeably displeased to see Sinbad and Darryl M. Bell arrive on stage, and nobody can figure out why.

​

Lastly, at some "Yanquet" (Yankee banquet), Cedric The Entertainer explains "white words" to blacks and gives them an ID test of George Washington Carver and others. Later, Yankee greats Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle are shown "at" their own funerals in framed posters.

​

​

Next Time I'll Just Shut Up (February 16, 2017)

​

I'm The Young And The Restless character Billy, aiding my GF Victoria and others loading UPS stuff into a shipping center. I'm the only one who screws up, bobbling giant water jugs.
Inside the center, Vic rests while others change the diaper of our son Johnny. As soon as I express "not missing those days", crap gets on me. Actually, crap gets pretty much everywhere. Thanks, son.

​

​

Convenience Road (February 15, 2017)

​

I'm buds with soap actor Michael Muhney, and we have a VIP room at Super Soap Weekend. Muhney and his wife summon me over, but I'm held up by my grandma wanting fish sticks.

​

Later, my cousin goes nuts yelling profanity at his INV four dogs, and nothing I say calms him until I offer to get biscuits. Luckily, the right brand of biscuits happens to be in the middle of the road. Who needs convenience stores???

​

​

Major Imbalance (February 13, 2017)

​

The movie I'm watching ends abruptly so I exit the theater; my buddy Juan is outside in a suit and tie. I walk with him as a cockatoo and a human female perched atop his shoulders somehow. We pass our old HS classmate Zack, who says I look good. Chicken laughs at the mental image of Juan with a bird on his shoulders.

​

​

Dumped And Fed (February 8, 2017)

​

I struggle to explain the presence of Wilmer Valderrama on NCIS to my mom on the phone. Wilmer later dumps Katy Perry over his religion and stroke, but does give her a candy.

​

Then I'm soap character Liam (The Bold And The Beautiful); I goof off and upset a wasps nest, letting several in the house. "My" dad Bill and I kill the wasps, but he punishes me and my wife Steffy by making us take a massive lesbian out on the town. (?)

​

​

Antonio, 1960-2017 (February 7, 2017)

​

The cast of The A-Team meets the cast of Philadelphia, which includes Antonio Banderas. He and others goof off on a dangerous slide and he's eventually ground up like beef. Then I translate an ID request from a clerk to a Spanish customer, even though he already has paid for the booze.

​

​

You Have NOWHERE ELSE To Be? (February 6, 2017)

​

In a paratransit bus on off-road property, an older man signals for me to park and wait. He then gets in his scooter and as I load him we talk the Golden State Warriors. I share my boycott of the team since signing superstar Kevin Durant; Durant just happens to be passing by somehow. I feign ignorance of the whole discussion.

​

​

How Many Beds Are In This Place? (February 5, 2017)

​

There's a birthday party for me at my mom's apartment, but it's marred because I keep having to throw away mattresses. My IRL friends show up but scramble to fill out last-minute cards at the event.

​

Next, after walking up, down and across a road to keep from looking like a woman's stalker, I end up at PGE trying to have my stuff checked out post-storm. Two supervisors think I'm high and patronize me, but are cool overall. A third supe is livid, and drives me of all people to attack HIS weight. He then accuses me of faking my storm situation and then blows his own head off right there.

​

​

Patriotic Penis (February 4, 2017)

​

Ex-Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is teaching class at our local library. During the Pledge of Allegiance, some tough guy next to me grabs and holds a flag near the crotch of my long leather jacket, and the class is slowed by pages being randomly inversed.

​

Next, baseball legend Rickey Henderson relives his INV on-field heart attack during the 1989 playoffs. I find myself transported to said playoffs and toss a ball to a little dorky girl, way too hard by accident.

​

​

No Losing On My Watch (February 3, 2017)

​

Detective Rollins from Law & Order: SVU needs to get to Manhattan from somewhere else in NYC for a case, and boards a barge. She tries to force the operator to Manhattan but he's offended and eventually calls the Feds. Rollins is for this, since it will get her to Manhattan!

​

Upon reaching land, she tries to reason with the Feds but a crowd is gathered, and the "District Attorney", who is really Frank from 30 Rock, yells out her abusive history. Rollins is cuffed and arrested, but simply squeezes her wrists through the cuffs and runs off, passing an OutKast concert nearby. OutKast takes a few moments to stop playing and address the crowd but are loudly booed into continuing; "Hey Ya" begins with six Andre 3000's. 

​

Lastly, Boston Celtic Jared Sullinger knocks a fictional Dallas Maverick unconscious on the floor because Dallas was playing crappy. (?)

​

​

Confusing Flour With Eggs (February 1, 2017)

​

I knock on my neighbor's door and actor Robert Patrick answers; he confirms I'm his ride from work. I then make an omelette that ends up as a pancake.

Then I find myself working at Taco Bell with my ex and former friend Mike. When my ex and I enter the walk-in freezer, Mike is annoyed at being left alone on the food line so I take over. But—as is always the case with my Taco Bell visions—I struggle to make food and even throw cheese accidentally. Just as the store owner prepares to erupt, I loudly declare "We ain't doin this!" and instantly awaken.